10 ways to deal with toxic family members

Original author: Grace Furman
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It is believed that the family should initially be loving and safe, but this does not always happen. Some native people are destructive , complex, and prone to dominance . It is especially difficult if one of the parents is a problem member of the family. How to deal with this?

As a child, I had a mischievous relative.
I know that he loved me, but he lacked some vital skills.

Sometimes it was fun and joyful with him, but there were cases that I don’t want to remember. I often came across sharp criticism, abuse, rejection, caused by his high expectations.

The driving forces of my behavior were shame and guilt. I often could not predict what would irritate this member of my family. I endured explosive and sometimes violent flashes of rage.

Most of my childhood was confusing, sad, and terrifying. It affects me to this day. Unfortunately, as a child, I did not know how inadequate many of his actions were.

And I did not know how to deal with such treatment. Now that I have matured, we have managed to reconnect.
To do this, we needed to leave. And each of us had to change our behavior.

We do not always get along, and sometimes offensive remarks still slip. But now I am able to maintain a relatively pleasant and comfortable relationship with this relative.

It is believed that the family should initially be loving and safe, but this does not always happen. Some native people are destructive, complex, and prone to dominance. It is especially difficult if one of the parents is a problem member of the family.

There are disagreements and difficulties in any close relationship.

Everyone has a family with whom we are in conflict over music, life decisions or politics. Usually we spend the necessary effort to work on a problem or just politely smile and do not pay attention to it.
However, relationships are called toxic in which one person emotionally or physically spoils the life of another on an ongoing basis.

Such behavior cannot be called acceptable, even if such a person is part of your family.
Your priority should be your health and emotional balance. If someone puts them at risk, you need to fix the situation.

How to determine if someone is doing harm?


Here are some examples of problematic family member behavior:
  • Constantly inserts offensive comments.
  • Does not support you if it is not beneficial for him.
  • It has an unpredictable, complex character.
  • Uses your time, skills or money.
  • Emotionally manipulates you to control your behavior.
  • Refuses to answer for their actions.
  • Makes decisions for you.
  • Demonstrates a lack of empathy in relation to others.
  • Blames you and everyone else for his problems.
  • Uses violence or aggression to get what you want.

It is clear that such behavior creates an unhealthy atmosphere and can have a negative impact on your health and well-being . For example, it can cause:
  • anxiety;
  • Depression
  • fear of being near this relative;
  • shame or guilt;
  • low self-esteem or self-doubt;
  • difficulties with the formation of emotional closeness with other people;
  • inability to trust your instinct or intuition ;
  • estrangement from others;
  • aggression as a form of protection;
  • trouble sleeping.

No one is able to control other people's behavior. It is impossible to force another person to change their actions.
The only thing we can manage when we are in a toxic relationship with our family is our own reaction. You decide how to take care of yourself.

Here are 10 ways to deal with harmful family members


1. Set the boundaries


Determine which attitude is acceptable to you and which is not.
Everyone is worthy of respect, including you. You deserve to be happy, healthy, loved, and feel safe.

Determine what your needs are and how others should treat you to meet them. Then, introducing point number 2, you will ensure the implementation of your decision.

2. Know how to fend for yourself


When unfriendly family members cross your boundaries, you must stand up for yourself.
Yes, it can be intimidating and complicated. But it’s important that you tell them straightforwardly and honestly about your needs and expectations.

You will be able to take responsibility for your own life and the attitude of others on you if you let them know that they are doing something unacceptable.

3. Stop looking for excuses


Do not justify unacceptable behavior of other people.

Yes, they may try to blame you or someone else. But the truth is that only they themselves are responsible for their decisions and actions.
Justifying someone’s behavior, you support them and allow them to continue in the same spirit. If your expectations are reasonable, and you were honest with your relative, then he must act in accordance with them.

4. Do not be afraid of your emotions


Talking with a toxic family member will bring you unpleasant feelings and emotions.
Feeling angry, sad, fear, confusion - this is normal. Do not try to get rid of these emotions, but give yourself the opportunity to feel and relive them.

So your body and mind will be able to process them, and not drive them inside. In addition, this will prevent the formation of an unhealthy mechanism of psychological adaptation.

5. Do not take everything at your own expense


This is difficult, but try not to take the words or deeds of a harmful relative into your own account. He has his own health problems, and they are the source of his behavior.

This is his reflection, not yours. Believe in yourself and your own value, regardless of other people's opinions and comments.

6. Limit time spent together


If a toxic family member makes you feel worse about yourself, you need to limit your time with them. This is not easy when it comes to the parent, brother or sister with whom you live together.

But even in this case, you can stay in your room, take a walk with friends or walk along the street. If you live separately, simply reduce the number of meetings or the duration of your visits.

7. Seek help


Interaction with a harmful relative is a psychologically difficult and emotionally debilitating task. Therefore, you need to gain strong outside support.

Share your concerns with close, trusted friends, or family. Read books about talking with unfriendly family members to hear other people's stories. So you get more information and find new strategies.

You may be able to find a support group. For example, there are organizations that help those who suffer from family alcoholism.

You may want to get the professional help of a psychologist to work out toxic relationships and their consequences.

8. Help yourself


Self-help is vital for maintaining mental health. And it acquires special significance in difficult situations.

Take the time to meditate, keep a diary, relax in the hot tub or something else that brings you joy. Daily affirmations will also be beneficial.

Treat yourself kindly , encourage yourself. Concentrate on the good, listing daily the things you are thankful for.

Remember: your value does not decrease if someone is unable to discern it.

9. Be responsive


Despite the complexity of the task, showing compassion for a harmful relative can be beneficial.
However, this does not mean that you should excuse his behavior. It is only about recognizing that he is not a bad person from the beginning. We are all imperfect.

In his current situation, he was due to difficult life circumstances or lack of skills. Each of us has our own misfortune, which we are trying to cope with, and we all sometimes make mistakes. This is part of human nature.

10. Break up with him


If the strategies described above did not help improve the situation, you will have to decide whether you want to see this problematic family member at all.

Ask yourself if this relationship brings you more pain than joy. If the answer is yes, you will probably want to remove this person from your life until he begins to treat you with respect.

This may take a couple of weeks or longer. If nothing changes, the gap will become eternal.

Relations are built on respect, trust and honesty, and everyone deserves them. The presence of family ties does not mean at all that you owe something to a person, or that he can treat you as he wishes. This is especially true if the relationship is harmful to your health and well-being.

Use these strategies to increase self-esteem and maintain your happiness and health. People can change, which means that together you are able to restore relationships.

It is not easy and time consuming, but still possible. However, note: the keyword is “together.” The desire to work on a situation should be mutual.

Unfortunately, in many cases it’s wiser to end the relationship. Having made every effort to normalize the situation, you will have to decide which outcome will be best for you and your well-being.

PS We recommend another useful article on the topic of working on yourself - How to learn to control yourself and start living the life you dream about .

The author of the translation is Vyacheslav Davidenko, founder of TESTutor

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