Corporate mouse

    - Yes, you got me with your quality! - shouted Nikolai. “You are a quality service, so you are doing your direct duties!” And I will sharpen the details!

    - Does everyone sharpen as he wants? - asked Sergey voluminously, looking at the table. Then he started a little, looked up and continued. - There is such a song - at night in silence, just like pencils, let them say that everyone is sharpening at nineteen.

    “And who are you anyway?” - quite greyhound, but Nikolai asked with some apprehension.

    The production, which was led by Nikolai, was acquired by the Cube company no more than two weeks ago, and its territorial remoteness did not allow to quickly understand the posts, influence and intrigues of the royal court.

    - And I, Kolya, the one who will teach you life. - Sergey said hoarse bass. - How many I killed, how many I cut, how many souls I ruined ...

    Then Sergey coughed, causing general laughter.

    - So, stop. - Svetlana Vladimirovna intervened. - Nikolai, please take seriously the issue identified by Marina. Product quality at your ... In short, you are now far from ideal. It is necessary to develop measures and implement them in order to bring the product parameters into proper form.

    - So let your Marina and develop these activities! - Nikolay did not let up. - They gave our OTK to her subordination, let them come and tell them what and how to do to ensure quality.

    - Mr. Kasatsky! - Marina, as always in moments of anger, began to blush quickly. - All measures have long been developed, and their results are included in the relevant technological documentation. For example, the frequency of measuring parts for each technological operation, the requirements for a measuring instrument and its calibration ...

    - Blah blah blah ... - Nikolay smiled cheekily and fell apart in his chair. - Why are you pushing this crap to me in the process technology? Who am I, student? I studied the course of metrology, and statistics, like, visited. But where are we, production? This is not our topic, but yours. So you do it.

    - Wait a minute, Nikolai. - Svetlana Vladimirovna entered. - You do not call the periodic measurement of details on the line your topic?

    - Of course not. - Nikolay abruptly pushed off the back of the chair and sat up straight. - These are normal technical process requirements, and we strictly comply with them. It is written in five parts to measure - the worker in five and measures. The size leaves - it carries out adjustment. Well, there, replacing the tool, if necessary, does. Everything is as it should be.

    - What are you getting into the bottle then? - asked Sergey. Of course, he didn’t say “to the bottle”, but oh well.

    - And the fact that this has nothing to do with quality. - again emboldened Nikolai. - There is a technical process, we are doing it, but if ...

    Then he hesitated a little, which greatly amused Sergei.

    - And if it turned out shit, then you are not to blame? - Sergey agreed for him. - Then, at the Quality Control Department should they check and correct for you?

    - Yes! - proudly blurted out Nikolai.

    - Svetlana Vladimirovna, I need to go out, for about ten minutes. Do not you mind?

    - Incontinence? - grinned Nikolai.

    - Worse. - Sergey supported with a smile. “Not with the ladies ...”

    Nikolai roared out loudly — one of the audience. Svetlana Vladimirovna silently nodded in response to the request of Sergey, and he left.

    “Nikolai, with all due respect to your past merits ...” Svetlana Vladimirovna spoke carefully choosing the words. “And taking into account your experience in production management, the merits of a factory that has been supplying parts to the conveyors of large automakers for a long time ... But now you are part of the Cube company.” We will have to accept our rules, imbue our values ​​and join our team.

    - Or spill out of him, to hell with a dog. - Marina snapped angrily. - In the village of his stinking, milking cows.

    - Marina! - the director said loudly and sternly. - It would also be nice for you to remember the values ​​of our company!

    “And then it was crazy here, the chicken ...” muttered Nikolai.

    - Quiet! - Svetlana Vladimirovna could not resist, hit her on the table with her fist and jumped out of place. - If you and I, the key employees of the holding, will, excuse me, fight like homeless people at a stall, then what can we expect from ordinary soldiers ... Well, from other colleagues, in general? I demand to stop immediately, otherwise I will impose a disciplinary sanction! From both! Ugh, with both! It doesn’t matter, you understand! I’ll deprive the bonuses!

    Nikolai was about to say something, but Svetlana Vladimirovna once again hit the table with her fist - so hard that she jumped over the paper tray, knocked over a glass of pencils and vibrated plastic water bottles.

    - What is the next issue on the agenda? Shouted Svetlana Vladimirovna loudly.

    - A summary of product quality will not be considered? - asked in a trembling voice office manager Ksenia, who kept the protocol. - We started, but ...

    - I remember. - interrupted the director. - We will.

    Svetlana Vladimirovna sat down in her chair - strict, with a straight back, head held high and an extremely angry expression on her face.

    - Marina, read the summary. The rest is silent and listening.

    - I get it. - Marina nodded.

    “She understood ...” the director muttered.

    - What?

    - Nothing. Read.

    - So, in general, fifty percent of marriage per week.

    - What? Cried Nikolai. - What the hell ...

    - Did I not express myself clearly enough? - Svetlana Vladimirovna addressed him. - You will have a response word.

    - Yes, I'm sorry. - Nikolai hesitated.

    - But on Wednesday there was almost no marriage. It cannot be ruled out that Tuesday’s details fell into the measurements of the environment - carry-over residues from the night shift, because the OTC only works during the day.

    - What is the reason? The director asked sternly.

    - In terms of? - Marina's voice trembled in dismay. - Why does OTC work only during the day?

    - Not. - Svetlana Vladimirovna suddenly smiled. - Why was there almost no marriage on Wednesday?

    “I don't know, to be honest.” Maybe there were some other workers in this shift? Nikolay, what do you say?

    - Same. - the production manager replied indifferently. - Our shifts do not change places, it's time to know already ...

    - Again? - interrupted Svetlana Vladimirovna. - What was unusual on Wednesday?

    - I do not know. - shrugged Nikolai. - Nothing like that. And what's the difference - there is little marriage, and thank God.

    - No, we have to figure it out. The director said sternly. - Marina, maybe there was something unusual at the OTK that day? Do not remember?

    - No, everything is as usual. I arrived, talked ...

    - Stop! - Svetlana Vladimirovna significantly raised her index finger. - You arrived? To production?

    - Well, yes, I made a rule for myself - every week, on Wednesdays, to go to a new factory in order to ...

    - You appeared in the workshop?

    - Of course. OTK does not have a separate entrance, only through the workshop.

    “Did Nikolai know about your visit?”

    “Of course, I always notify him.” Well, if the word "always" is applicable to two weeks of collaboration. This time, too, she called in advance, on Tuesday, he again led me through the workshop, showed me what and where, they had a talk with the workers.

    - So there’s a solution! - Svetlana Vladimirovna said joyfully. - Visit effect! Only the reverse.

    - What? - frowned Marina.

    - Well, visit-effect, have not you heard, or what? When everything works, the inspector comes, no matter who, and suddenly, for no reason, some problems begin, a damn thing does not plow, and in general. Only here - on the contrary. There is no one from the center - the marriage is being persecuted, Marina has arrived - the marriage has gone somewhere. Is it clear?

    - Yes. - Marina smiled joyfully. “Well, Nikolai, admit then, what was there on Wednesday?”

    - Yes, there was nothing! Cried Nikolai.

    “You’re just like a husband caught in bed with a woman, screaming - there was nothing!” - intensified the onslaught of Marina. “So you can make products normally, just don't want to?” Go, they just walked over all the workers, and told them that all the requirements of the process technology would begin to be fulfilled? And look, did the marriage disappear somewhere? Well? Why are you silent?

    “I repeat again.” - Coining every word, said Nikolai. - I did not take any action in connection with your arrival. And we always fulfill the requirements of the technical process rigorously. We are doing a good job. And it would not hurt you, the quality service, to do your job well, providing the very quality that ...

    - Which must be produced, and not ensured as a result of control? - Marina asked sarcastically. “You are an adult, you babble like a little lyalya.” What can a quality control department do if you bring a defective item? Measure and say that it is unsuitable? All? Or am I missing something?

    - Provide quality! Cried Nikolai. “How do I know how you will do this?” I am not going to teach you your own work, and you do not teach me! We are a production, not laboratory mice!

    - So. - Svetlana Vladimirovna began strictly, but didn’t manage to finish it - Sergey entered the meeting room.

    His face literally glowed with joy. In one hand there was a cup of tea on a saucer, in the other a small plate with something resembling a sandwich. A black bag hung on the same hand.

    - Nikolay! - Sergey said loudly. “Are you straight from the road — and to the meeting?” Are you hungry? I made you a sandwich here, help yourself! Sorry, I didn’t know whether tea was needed with sugar or not - I threw four pieces on a saucer, probably enough. Colleagues, do you mind?

    Nobody began to object - everyone was staring at the scene, knowing the character of Sergey. And Nikolai did not know.

    - Thank you. - He nodded, delighted not so much with tea as with the elimination of the need to continue an unpleasant conversation.

    Sergey put tea, a plate with a sandwich in front of Nikolai and went to his place, taking with him a black bag.

    Nikolai, slowly, gurgled two pieces of sugar into the blackness of tea and began stirring with a spoon, striking loudly at the edges of the cup. The drink, apparently, managed to cool down pretty much, and the cacophony continued for half a minute. Finally, he finished and enjoyed drinking from the cup. He reached for the sandwich, almost grabbed it, but his hand hovered in a centimeter from the plate.

    “Why did he ...” Nikolai asked in bewilderment. “Something

    strange ... The sandwich was really strange.” The usual piece of bread for toast, which is sold in sliced ​​buns, was thickly buttered. Moreover, from all sides - and from above, and from below, and even on the sides.

    “What's wrong, buddy?” - Sergey asked cheerfully. - The quality of the sandwich is not satisfied?

    “Well, not that, to a gift horse, as they say ... But, maybe give a fork?”

    - What for? According to the technological process, it is necessary to eat a sandwich with your hands, so please.

    - And what for it was smeared with oil from all sides?

    - It does not matter. - Sergey waved his hand. - They brought you, and you figure out what to do next. I assure you, I personally produced this masterpiece, and did everything as it should. Do not even hesitate.

    “Why, then, doubt it ...” Nikolai, out of frustration, even put the cup on the table and stopped throwing tea. - Only the products are fucked up.

    - Well, you fix it?

    “I will correct it, since that’s the point.” - shrugged Nikolai, took a handkerchief from his pocket and began to clean the bread from excess oil.

    - Do you get pleasure? - asked Sergey, looking at the torment of the production manager. “Does it not make you feel - well, somewhere in the corner of the subconscious mind - that your job is to fix the sandwich, let's say ... Excess, or what? It seems like it is not necessary to experience such difficulties, correcting errors that could not have been made?

    - Not. Muttered Nikolai, already removing a layer of butter from the two sides of the bread and gently grabbing the sandwich with two fingers. - Everything can be corrected, there would be a desire. That’s what I’m talking about when I say ...

    - Yes, you are just a master! - not at all embarrassed, interrupted Sergei. - I will have one more example for you, if you don't mind.

    - Bwabwade. Muttered Nikolai with his mouth full.

    Sergei bent to his feet, rustled with a packet, pulled out a small gray lump on a string and threw it on the table. The ball made several revolutions and stopped near the plate.

    - The mouse! - Marina first realized, abruptly pushed off with her feet, rode a good meter in a chair, jumped up and ran to the window.

    Nobody squealed, but after a second Nikolai was left at the table. He hesitated, thinking what to do with his mouth full, but could not stand it and dumped all its contents directly onto the table. Part of it fell on a plate, something went to the mouse, and spoiled my pants a bit.

    - You, ***, absolutely ***, or what? - shouted Marina.

    - Quiet, dear, I’m trying for you. - Sergey smiled. - Calmly, the mouse is not alive. Not to say that she is dead, for she did not fall by her death. The watchmen catch this with a mousetrap, I saw it, and ran to them. Just fresh, half an hour ago I was making plans for life, I was in a hurry somewhere ...

    - Sergey. - the gift of speech finally returned to Svetlana Vladimirovna. - Of course, I understand everything, but it seems ...

    - Yes you wait, Svetlana Vladimirovna. - answered Sergey. - You always have time to fire me. Nikolai and I have not yet discussed everything.

    “I'm not going to fire you, Sergey.” It's just ... It's disgusting. Drag a dead mouse into the meeting room ...

    - I'll clean everything, do not worry. I’ll wash your table with bleach, I will solemnly burn the mouse. Although the watchmen don’t take a steam bath, they just throw them away ... Okay, let's get down to business. Everyone was indignant? Or will someone else speak out about my diagnosis?

    - You ***, generally ***? Yes, for this I am you ... ”- Nikolay tidied himself up a bit, wiped his face with an oiled handkerchief, and in some places began to cast an unhealthy shine.

    “Calm down, buddy.” - answered Sergey. - You coped with the sandwich, were able to bring it, so to speak, into line with the requirements. What will you do with this instance?

    Sergey pointed a finger at a dead mouse. Nikolai looked now at Sergey, then at the unfortunate animal, then at the director, as if trying to understand how he should proceed.

    “Well, why are you silent?” Imagine yourself in the place of OTK. Well, gentlemen, the manufacturers brought you such a product. If it’s more clear to you, let it be ... Size drove, for example. The shaft diameter is less than the lower limit of the tolerance field. Everything, you can’t insert it into the otvetka - it will hang out like ... It should not, in short. Well, let's think. Well, you think that the OTC are necromancers, and so show the wonders of village savvy. What will we do with the mouse?
    Nikolai had calmed down a little, and continued to think painfully.

    “Well ...” he began uncertainly. - There is a violation here, if we talk about the mouse ...

    - What is the violation? The technical process?

    - Well yes.

    - And when the defective part comes from you - then, then, it’s not there? Let’s, purely for the sake of neighing, we’ll come to your workshop tomorrow with Marina, stand next to the workers, see how they change the tool in a timely manner, take measurements and so on. Maybe the quality on this day will be a bit higher?

    - Sergei. - entered Marina. “We were just discussing such a case while you were hunting mice there.” There was almost no marriage last Wednesday, I was just at the factory.

    “Yeah ...” Sergey was embarrassed. - Ahead, then. Damn, there would be such a wow effect.

    - Yeah, it’s not comparable with your mouse. - answered, smiling, Marina. - When we discussed the absence of marriage, no one jumped up from the chairs.

    - Eh, you do not know how to be surprised. - Sergey smiled. - Adults have become unlearned. The simplest methods have achieved a radical improvement in product quality, and are not even surprised. As if every day you make such breakthroughs. Although, now it’s not possible to fix it, not to figure out how to root this practice in production, and all the quality will come to naught again. Or is it already gone?

    - Already. - Marina nodded. - Cat from home - mice to dance. The next day, the marriage returned to its previous level.

    - It’s a pity, our mouse will not start dancing. - sighed Sergey. - OTK is not capable of everything, is it true, Kolyan?

    Nikolai turned away nervously and did not answer.

    - Come on, come on, turn away, what remains for you. Call your mom, it’s so customary here. In the form with the values ​​it is not written, of course, but stomping a leg and shouting that a booth was arranged here, in which you refuse to take part, is quite acceptable for yourself. You are boring.

    - Boring? - Nikolai suddenly turned.

    - Yeah. At first I thought that since you delivered automobile plants to the conveyor there, everything is fine with quality. I saw a certificate in the plant management, but this one, like his ... 16949 number, specialized for the automobile industry. And you have everything, like everyone else.

    - This is how, let me ask?

    - Through the ass, as something else. Do as you like, and drag it to the OTC for verification. Slipped - good. Do not slip - swear, argue, yell that the plan breaks down, write pieces of paper, call the director. No, just to do it right, as expected.

    “We do ...” Nikolai began, but stopped short.

    “Yeah, I already understood how you are doing.” Well, the process would be bad - no, normal. Designers and technologists you have the elderly, the right, the old school, worked in the design bureau, provided for everything. And you, the production manager, cannot provide elementary technological discipline.

    - What? - the question was from Svetlana Vladimirovna.

    - Execution of the process technology. - Nikolay answered gloomily.

    - If they said - you take more, throw more - that means you take more, throw more. All. Here, damn it, and all you need to know about quality. And if everything is done according to the process, but the quality is poor, then the process needs to be reviewed. Well, or, as you like to whine there, your equipment is old, the materials are bad, the tool is worthless. But that’s all - after technological discipline, and only so. By the way, there are two grinding machines, at the window which are those from the car factory?

    - In terms of? Where are you from ...

    - I was at your factory about fifteen years ago. On practice. I don’t remember you, though ...

    - I hadn’t worked there yet. - interest appeared in Nikolai’s voice. - What did you do in practice?

    - I'll tell you later. - Sergey waved his hand. - In short, there is a proposal. When were you going to go back?

    - In the evening. I still have a few things to do, but when ...

    - How about going tomorrow? - impatiently interrupted Sergey. - Tomorrow night. Spend the night in a hotel, take a walk around the city, go to the cinema. The company will pay for the hotel. Will the company pay for the hotel?

    With this question, Sergey turned to Svetlana Vladimirovna.

    “Well, if you really need to ...” the director was embarrassed. “Why, Sergey?”

    - There is one idea ... Just to find Tolyan. Nikolay, what do you say? Will the family let go?

    - Family on vacation. - said Nikolai perplexedly. - Okay, if necessary, I will stay until tomorrow.

    - Agreed! Marina, run, we need to discuss the details!

    Sergey grabbed Marina by the hand and dragged to the exit. At the door itself he stopped when he heard the cry of Svetlana Vladimirovna.

    - Sergei! Mouse!

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