Prologue of Kelvin Point
Let me introduce myself. My name is Robert, I am 34 years old and I am niochem. Yes, I know that it is right to write “about nothing”, but I really want to turn this word into a noun.
I - no way, my life - no time, my family - no time, work - no time, the country - no time. And my future is niochem.
Although, probably, it is wrong to call the remaining segment of impoverished life a beautiful word “future”. This is not the future, it is just a segment on the coordinate axis. Thirty-four marks on the scale have already been passed, it remains ... I do not know how much. Who cares?
As if something could change. The last hope faded away a few months ago, when the age of Christ had passed - I was still waiting, can something happen? Well, you know, like in the movies - bang, some event, and it went, it went, life began to spin, there was a sense, a goal, an interest!
No, nothing like that. Life goes on as usual. It happens, of course, that some event will happen, after which it seems - well, everything! Now everything will be different!
For example, some inspirational movie to see - wow! And so I can! Well, I do not know - for example, to go in for sports! To go out every day, in the mornings, when the whole city is still asleep, put on a fashionable hooded sweatshirt, headphones with cool music, and run, run, with such a serious look, as if I understood something in this life. Watch motivating videos on the Internet, there are a lot of such runners in sweatshirts. They run, run, then they will climb on some mountain and stand beautifully on it, look around the neighborhood.
I tried to run. Exhausted in a minute, all sweated like a horse, stabbed in his side.
He stopped and went home. The second time did not come out.
The first "times" were many. Second - none.
I even tried to practice karate - I found a coach, I paid for my personal training, we did a great job. I really liked it! But, alas, the training was the only one.
And that's it, understand? What you do - at one time enough. I decided - so, it is necessary to walk with the children, every day, at least two hours! For the first time - as many as three hours shyas around the park!
It was fun, interesting - they played, they left the cones, they went off on the carousel. And the second time? It was not him.
Some kind of one-time me, or something ... Niochem, in general. And the further, the worse.
I always have a balance in my soul, like an apothecary clock. On the one hand, the time that has already passed, and all the opportunities missed in it. On the other hand, a time that has not yet come, full of hope and new accomplishments.
So, earlier, in childhood and youth, this balance was always on the side of the future. Always, at any moment in time, it seemed that all the present was ahead! Something beautiful, wonderful, interesting is waiting for me there!
But when I was still at school, I began to pay more and more attention to the balance that showed the past. At first - occasionally, not for long. Well, there, the summer spent is not very interesting and useful. Or, I’ll look at one of my classmates — well done, went to boxing for a year, and now has become a thunderstorm of bullies!
But not me. I spent a year just like that. Another year.
And so - every time, at any time in life. You look back and you are amazed how much you could do! Learn English, write a song, write a book, make a website, pump up, make a figure, repair it, finally!
But looking into the past is unbearable. Immediately begins depression, apathy, rejection. As an adult, he began to pour the whole thing with alcohol. No, I'm not an alcoholic, I drink a little, but often. Because alcohol translates my view on the cup of the future.
On the one hand, it seems to be considered that looking into the future is good. This is a look ahead, or even upward, to new heights, new goals, new hopes. But over time, I realized that looking to the future is looking to nowhere. This is bury your head in the sand.
This is what I do every day. Previously - rarely, now - every day. And not once.
Will still be! Everything will be fine! The world is huge and beautiful! Opportunities lurk at every turn! It is only necessary to widely, openly look at the world, and everything will turn out! Do not dig in the past, look to the future!
Perfect and familiar, isn't it? But, alas, all this is a lie. No there is nothing. Only part of the way. And I guarantee - it will pass exactly the same way as the one that was left behind. But no, not the same. Worse.
The main thing is to look less. Why stir up the soul? You can’t change the past, but it’s still impossible to learn from it. It is better to look to the future, to live in hope, to infinity.
This is - how to drive a car at full speed, and look to the side, at the beautiful views, mountains, sea, beautiful people. Do not look at the road, right? Let the car rush where it needs to be. And I will stare at the window and dream about how I will reach - to these mountains, seas and beautiful people. Then, unexpectedly - bang! - and the car entered. Where is not important. Uphill, into the sea, into a pillar.
And that's it. No more of me. And it was not. There was only a fantasy about the future.
And after all, everyone is like that, no? Or is it not? I myself do not know how to answer this question. I still, being an adult, do not understand how people live.
You look at social networks - everyone lives beautifully. You meet somewhere in a cafe - everyone lives beautifully. Well, if people are strangers, they can be believed and forgotten.
And if friends? Here I have friends, I have known them for a long time, since the institute. The facade of their life is beautiful, but I saw the backyard - exactly the same problems as mine. Joint alcohol helps especially - it does not obscure the view, but on the contrary, opens the door to the very backyard, removes the veil from the eyes, from the glittering facade, and shows the true picture of their life. What is she like? The same. No way.
But I look at people the same way I look at my future. Seeing the facade, I still believe that people are fine. Then, of course, convinced that niochem. But time passes, and I believe again.
But to believe is unbearable. Why is my life niochem, and they are beautiful and interesting? So it should not be! I will find, I will understand, I will see your backyard! After all, I know exactly what a mess you have there, dirt, stench and filth!
The same attitude, it seems to me, to the stars - to those who are actors, singers, etc. The facade is beautiful, but we ordinary people want to see the backyard. We want to know that they, too, have everything bad, also problems, also scales with the past and the future.
Therefore, we love and rejoice in the bad news about the stars - how they swear, divorce, divide children, how they are robbed in expensive hotels, caught drunk on the roads, expelled from TV channels, and tried for domestic violence. We rejoice! Hooray! They, too, all bad!
Isn’t it so with friends and acquaintances? Yes, one to one! Someone’s misfortune will happen - well, not such that life is straight, broken, and so, on trifles. The car, for example, scratched - so happy! In words, of course, I sympathize, maybe even console, or help, but in my heart I rejoice! Hooray! Lies your facade! Here you are, real! Here it is, your life! Same as mine - niochem!
What about work? And what work ... In general, I am a programmer. I develop, maintain, implement an automated system at a manufacturing plant. Sounds nice? Just like for a resume. I also add that I am a communicative, emotionally stable, easily trained, engaged in self-improvement, I love working in a team. Glazed, stamped, worthless crap.
I just work. I come, I sit, I leave. I get a salary. Not big, not small. No way.
Once, perhaps, I will probably become the head. Maybe fate would be like that, and my boss, Henry, would dump him somewhere. I will, like him, go to meetings, sing songs at corporate parties, set tasks with tight deadlines, yell at subordinates, be friends with other bosses. And get a little more money.
Dream to create a product I have long ago buried. Although, there were several steps to her - then, at the institute, when I lived in a dormitory. I didn’t even have my computer, I used a stranger - my friend and roommate. During the day he was working on a computer, at night - me. All night, without selling, with incredible enthusiasm, a lot of cigarettes smoked and coffee drunk!
I thought I would conquer the world! But, most importantly, I thought it would always be like this. Enthusiasm, the desire to move mountains, to express themselves, to do something beautiful, not sparing yourself!
And even health did not bother! I slept in the afternoon, 4 hours, and I missed! I studied well and the teachers were in good standing - several of them called me to myself, to graduate school. Moreover, not only in the field of programming. One teacher was generally involved in designing instruments for navigation in space, which they put on satellites - and he wanted to work with me! I graduated with honors from the institute.
And then ... And then somehow it all went wrong. Of course, at first life, and the energy beat the key! From work I could only drive away a stick! I gush forth ideas, talked with everyone I could, offered and implemented solutions, helped people understand the system, solved their problems, tried and applied new technologies. I lived!
But this did not last long. Once I was sent, the second one was criticized, accused of something - I don’t remember already, so little by little. The prize was not given, the chief yelled, the idea was not accepted. And that's all, the energy has flowed somewhere, as if from a leaky bucket.
And now I am a permanent bucket of holes. A lot of coffee, cigarettes, grub, alcohol, movies, the Internet, TV, news, smartphone, computer games. While all this much - still hold on, gurgling something in a bucket. As soon as I tear off, I step aside, stop feeding myself - that's all, the bucket is empty.
I want to howl. So I do not like holidays. You come to the sea - especially in a cheap hotel, where there is no wifi, and that’s melancholy, emptiness. Well, it's fun for a couple of days, of course - you swim in the sea, you sit in a bar, you lie on the beach, you walk around the city. And then - no way.
I want to quickly get out, back home, to my favorite suckers. So that the bucket is not empty, so that it flows through it - at least, it doesn't matter. Beer, news, shit.
Just not to be alone with yourself.
I have nothing to talk with myself. Do you understand?
Here I am - the facade. A body leading a meaningless existence. And there I am - the backyard. Soul, if you like. That I, who came to this world. He who looked at him hopefully, waited for adventure, dreamed of mountains and seas, and even of expensive cars and houses by the sea.
And with this “I”, with this soul, I have nothing to talk about. I am ashamed in front of him. I, his realization in this world, did everything wrong. And I will continue to do wrong. I can not do anything, I will not achieve anything.
He put me in vain, in vain chose me. I am nothing.
Therefore, I avoid him. While I am drinking, watching TV, reading a book, talking to friends, listening to loud music, doing senseless work - I don't hear it. When I have nothing to bother with, and I start to hear, I get scared.
As, you know, before children it becomes scary sometimes. Not for children, but in front of them. Scary, uncomfortable, ashamed, unbearable. I failed. Did not. Did not give. Not provided. I do not comply. No way.
And now it is rolling again ... Christmas holidays, you don’t need to go to work, there’s really nothing to do. Yes, and reluctance. But it cannot go on for so long - his voice becomes audible, more and more clearly and louder. It is necessary to occupy yourself with something, to fill it again with a leaky bucket.
Drinking early - a day in the yard. TV turn on? No, he was tired of the holidays, I can not already. I will go to the Internet.
So what is it? Post in a social network, invite to meet graduates of the institute. Can go? The first couple of years after graduation went, it was fun, and then somehow ... Well, of course.
I decided to go. Maybe Trevor will come, my old college friend. I have not seen him for ten years.
I - no way, my life - no time, my family - no time, work - no time, the country - no time. And my future is niochem.
Although, probably, it is wrong to call the remaining segment of impoverished life a beautiful word “future”. This is not the future, it is just a segment on the coordinate axis. Thirty-four marks on the scale have already been passed, it remains ... I do not know how much. Who cares?
As if something could change. The last hope faded away a few months ago, when the age of Christ had passed - I was still waiting, can something happen? Well, you know, like in the movies - bang, some event, and it went, it went, life began to spin, there was a sense, a goal, an interest!
No, nothing like that. Life goes on as usual. It happens, of course, that some event will happen, after which it seems - well, everything! Now everything will be different!
For example, some inspirational movie to see - wow! And so I can! Well, I do not know - for example, to go in for sports! To go out every day, in the mornings, when the whole city is still asleep, put on a fashionable hooded sweatshirt, headphones with cool music, and run, run, with such a serious look, as if I understood something in this life. Watch motivating videos on the Internet, there are a lot of such runners in sweatshirts. They run, run, then they will climb on some mountain and stand beautifully on it, look around the neighborhood.
I tried to run. Exhausted in a minute, all sweated like a horse, stabbed in his side.
He stopped and went home. The second time did not come out.
The first "times" were many. Second - none.
I even tried to practice karate - I found a coach, I paid for my personal training, we did a great job. I really liked it! But, alas, the training was the only one.
And that's it, understand? What you do - at one time enough. I decided - so, it is necessary to walk with the children, every day, at least two hours! For the first time - as many as three hours shyas around the park!
It was fun, interesting - they played, they left the cones, they went off on the carousel. And the second time? It was not him.
Some kind of one-time me, or something ... Niochem, in general. And the further, the worse.
I always have a balance in my soul, like an apothecary clock. On the one hand, the time that has already passed, and all the opportunities missed in it. On the other hand, a time that has not yet come, full of hope and new accomplishments.
So, earlier, in childhood and youth, this balance was always on the side of the future. Always, at any moment in time, it seemed that all the present was ahead! Something beautiful, wonderful, interesting is waiting for me there!
But when I was still at school, I began to pay more and more attention to the balance that showed the past. At first - occasionally, not for long. Well, there, the summer spent is not very interesting and useful. Or, I’ll look at one of my classmates — well done, went to boxing for a year, and now has become a thunderstorm of bullies!
But not me. I spent a year just like that. Another year.
And so - every time, at any time in life. You look back and you are amazed how much you could do! Learn English, write a song, write a book, make a website, pump up, make a figure, repair it, finally!
But looking into the past is unbearable. Immediately begins depression, apathy, rejection. As an adult, he began to pour the whole thing with alcohol. No, I'm not an alcoholic, I drink a little, but often. Because alcohol translates my view on the cup of the future.
On the one hand, it seems to be considered that looking into the future is good. This is a look ahead, or even upward, to new heights, new goals, new hopes. But over time, I realized that looking to the future is looking to nowhere. This is bury your head in the sand.
This is what I do every day. Previously - rarely, now - every day. And not once.
Will still be! Everything will be fine! The world is huge and beautiful! Opportunities lurk at every turn! It is only necessary to widely, openly look at the world, and everything will turn out! Do not dig in the past, look to the future!
Perfect and familiar, isn't it? But, alas, all this is a lie. No there is nothing. Only part of the way. And I guarantee - it will pass exactly the same way as the one that was left behind. But no, not the same. Worse.
The main thing is to look less. Why stir up the soul? You can’t change the past, but it’s still impossible to learn from it. It is better to look to the future, to live in hope, to infinity.
This is - how to drive a car at full speed, and look to the side, at the beautiful views, mountains, sea, beautiful people. Do not look at the road, right? Let the car rush where it needs to be. And I will stare at the window and dream about how I will reach - to these mountains, seas and beautiful people. Then, unexpectedly - bang! - and the car entered. Where is not important. Uphill, into the sea, into a pillar.
And that's it. No more of me. And it was not. There was only a fantasy about the future.
And after all, everyone is like that, no? Or is it not? I myself do not know how to answer this question. I still, being an adult, do not understand how people live.
You look at social networks - everyone lives beautifully. You meet somewhere in a cafe - everyone lives beautifully. Well, if people are strangers, they can be believed and forgotten.
And if friends? Here I have friends, I have known them for a long time, since the institute. The facade of their life is beautiful, but I saw the backyard - exactly the same problems as mine. Joint alcohol helps especially - it does not obscure the view, but on the contrary, opens the door to the very backyard, removes the veil from the eyes, from the glittering facade, and shows the true picture of their life. What is she like? The same. No way.
But I look at people the same way I look at my future. Seeing the facade, I still believe that people are fine. Then, of course, convinced that niochem. But time passes, and I believe again.
But to believe is unbearable. Why is my life niochem, and they are beautiful and interesting? So it should not be! I will find, I will understand, I will see your backyard! After all, I know exactly what a mess you have there, dirt, stench and filth!
The same attitude, it seems to me, to the stars - to those who are actors, singers, etc. The facade is beautiful, but we ordinary people want to see the backyard. We want to know that they, too, have everything bad, also problems, also scales with the past and the future.
Therefore, we love and rejoice in the bad news about the stars - how they swear, divorce, divide children, how they are robbed in expensive hotels, caught drunk on the roads, expelled from TV channels, and tried for domestic violence. We rejoice! Hooray! They, too, all bad!
Isn’t it so with friends and acquaintances? Yes, one to one! Someone’s misfortune will happen - well, not such that life is straight, broken, and so, on trifles. The car, for example, scratched - so happy! In words, of course, I sympathize, maybe even console, or help, but in my heart I rejoice! Hooray! Lies your facade! Here you are, real! Here it is, your life! Same as mine - niochem!
What about work? And what work ... In general, I am a programmer. I develop, maintain, implement an automated system at a manufacturing plant. Sounds nice? Just like for a resume. I also add that I am a communicative, emotionally stable, easily trained, engaged in self-improvement, I love working in a team. Glazed, stamped, worthless crap.
I just work. I come, I sit, I leave. I get a salary. Not big, not small. No way.
Once, perhaps, I will probably become the head. Maybe fate would be like that, and my boss, Henry, would dump him somewhere. I will, like him, go to meetings, sing songs at corporate parties, set tasks with tight deadlines, yell at subordinates, be friends with other bosses. And get a little more money.
Dream to create a product I have long ago buried. Although, there were several steps to her - then, at the institute, when I lived in a dormitory. I didn’t even have my computer, I used a stranger - my friend and roommate. During the day he was working on a computer, at night - me. All night, without selling, with incredible enthusiasm, a lot of cigarettes smoked and coffee drunk!
I thought I would conquer the world! But, most importantly, I thought it would always be like this. Enthusiasm, the desire to move mountains, to express themselves, to do something beautiful, not sparing yourself!
And even health did not bother! I slept in the afternoon, 4 hours, and I missed! I studied well and the teachers were in good standing - several of them called me to myself, to graduate school. Moreover, not only in the field of programming. One teacher was generally involved in designing instruments for navigation in space, which they put on satellites - and he wanted to work with me! I graduated with honors from the institute.
And then ... And then somehow it all went wrong. Of course, at first life, and the energy beat the key! From work I could only drive away a stick! I gush forth ideas, talked with everyone I could, offered and implemented solutions, helped people understand the system, solved their problems, tried and applied new technologies. I lived!
But this did not last long. Once I was sent, the second one was criticized, accused of something - I don’t remember already, so little by little. The prize was not given, the chief yelled, the idea was not accepted. And that's all, the energy has flowed somewhere, as if from a leaky bucket.
And now I am a permanent bucket of holes. A lot of coffee, cigarettes, grub, alcohol, movies, the Internet, TV, news, smartphone, computer games. While all this much - still hold on, gurgling something in a bucket. As soon as I tear off, I step aside, stop feeding myself - that's all, the bucket is empty.
I want to howl. So I do not like holidays. You come to the sea - especially in a cheap hotel, where there is no wifi, and that’s melancholy, emptiness. Well, it's fun for a couple of days, of course - you swim in the sea, you sit in a bar, you lie on the beach, you walk around the city. And then - no way.
I want to quickly get out, back home, to my favorite suckers. So that the bucket is not empty, so that it flows through it - at least, it doesn't matter. Beer, news, shit.
Just not to be alone with yourself.
I have nothing to talk with myself. Do you understand?
Here I am - the facade. A body leading a meaningless existence. And there I am - the backyard. Soul, if you like. That I, who came to this world. He who looked at him hopefully, waited for adventure, dreamed of mountains and seas, and even of expensive cars and houses by the sea.
And with this “I”, with this soul, I have nothing to talk about. I am ashamed in front of him. I, his realization in this world, did everything wrong. And I will continue to do wrong. I can not do anything, I will not achieve anything.
He put me in vain, in vain chose me. I am nothing.
Therefore, I avoid him. While I am drinking, watching TV, reading a book, talking to friends, listening to loud music, doing senseless work - I don't hear it. When I have nothing to bother with, and I start to hear, I get scared.
As, you know, before children it becomes scary sometimes. Not for children, but in front of them. Scary, uncomfortable, ashamed, unbearable. I failed. Did not. Did not give. Not provided. I do not comply. No way.
And now it is rolling again ... Christmas holidays, you don’t need to go to work, there’s really nothing to do. Yes, and reluctance. But it cannot go on for so long - his voice becomes audible, more and more clearly and louder. It is necessary to occupy yourself with something, to fill it again with a leaky bucket.
Drinking early - a day in the yard. TV turn on? No, he was tired of the holidays, I can not already. I will go to the Internet.
So what is it? Post in a social network, invite to meet graduates of the institute. Can go? The first couple of years after graduation went, it was fun, and then somehow ... Well, of course.
I decided to go. Maybe Trevor will come, my old college friend. I have not seen him for ten years.