Corporate condom

    - What? What the hell, economic feasibility? - Sergey jumped up from his chair.

    - Yes, it is there through NPV, that is, the net present value of the project is considered. - Xenia was taken aback and murmured. - Help to calculate?

    - Ksenia, are you in your mind? - Evil frowned Sergey.

    - Sergey, do not yell at me, please. - voice Ksenia shuddered. - It’s hard for me, my work is enough, and here it’s ...

    - Yes, I’m not yelling at you, but ... - Sergei stopped himself, made an indefinite hand gesture. - On the air, so to speak. What, again, do you need to calculate?

    - NPV, net present value of the project. - Xenia, just in case, read on a piece of paper.

    - The net present value of the project to install a dispenser for paper towels in the toilet?

    - Well, yes ...

    - What is "yes, yes?" Xenia, damn it, fuck? You have nothing else to do, or what?

    Now, Xenia was trembling not only with her voice, but with her lips. She pursed them, trying to postpone that very moment ... But she was late - tears came from her eyes.

    - I do not need anything! - she threw an offended voice, turned and ran out of the office.

    “Fuck you through the yoke ...” muttered Sergey and sat down heavily back into the chair.

    He stared at the monitor, continued to read the mail that had accumulated during the holidays on the machine. The words, it seems, were all clear, but their meaning did not reach his head. Even the hands began to tremble - after all, it is not good to offend women. Unpleasant sediment in the soul grew by leaps and bounds.

    - Sergey, is everything okay? - asked Tatyana's head, which was thrust through the door.

    - BUT? What? - Sergey fell out of trance.

    - Why do you have screamed office managers running around here? - after the head, everything else appeared in the door that was Tatiana.

    - Yes, some kind of madhouse ... - Sergey frowned. - I went on vacation, there were people like people. And back - some tryndets.

    - What happened, then? - Tatiana sat on the guest chair.

    - Here, came Xenia. She said she had submitted the idea of ​​installing a paper towel dispenser in the toilet. - began to tell Sergey. - I tell her - damn, great idea! Well, is it really great?

    - Of course. - Tatiana nodded. - It is strange that so far they have not done it.

    - Well, not to say that straight is strange. - Sergey shrugged his shoulders. - Still, there will appear consumables. But anything better than this fucking dryer, which must be at least a minute to stand.

    - Agree. Why does it roar?

    - So I did not understand at all. It is necessary, says NPV project count.

    - That's right. - Tatiana nodded. - In this case - only NPV.

    Sergey rounded his eyes and stared at Tatyana. She was surprisingly calm. Her expression showed complete confidence in her words and a willingness to explain.

    - Tatiana, you ... - Sergey smiled. - I do not know ... How Zadornov told about Kirkorov: I, he says, is a star, and does not even smile.

    - I'm not a star, Sergey. - Tatyana was not at all embarrassed. “We have a star.”

    - Not a star, but ... Okay, you will again swear. Explain to me?

    - What to explain? How is NPV considered?

    - Not like, but fuck.

    - So it should be.

    - Not allowed, but laid. Not laid, but buried. Not buried, but buried. - Sergey quoted a cartoon of his childhood. - Who is supposed to?

    - Regulation on the reception of proposals from employees. - all the same smooth tone continued Tatiana.

    - What? - Sergey has lifted eyebrows. - What else, to hell, the situation?

    - Which was approved two weeks ago.

    - While I was on vacation, what was?

    - Well, yes ... - Tatyana nodded and thought for a moment. - Oh, right, you do not know!

    - The Lord has rescued ... - Sergey picturesquely crossed himself. - What is the situation?

    - Standard for receiving ideas and suggestions. - Tatiana began to explain with a little guilty look. - Now for each proposal it is necessary to calculate the economic feasibility. The formulas there are not very complex, most of all questions are the calculation of NPV. Especially with those who ... Well ... An office manager, for example.

    Sergey stared at Tatyana, trying to understand whether she was joking or not. Like, not the first of April today. Play decided what? No, it cannot be ... Xenia’s tears were quite real.

    - Who is the author of this situation? - Sergey asked.

    - Quality Director, who else. - Tatiana shrugged. - We have one position service writes, and all sorts of standards.

    - Marinella, or what?

    - Marina Ivanovna, to be precise.

    - Here's a bitch ... - Sergey shook his head with a smile. - Well this is necessary, and ... Three weeks was not me, but she already ...

    - What? I have never heard the diminutive form of this, so to speak, literary word ...

    - Rick and Morty, voiced by Saenduk. - Sergey answered on the machine.

    - What?

    - Never mind. - Sergey sat a little more thoughtful, then suddenly jumped up. - So! I'm to Ksyusha!

    - Can I go with you? - Sergey's energy was transferred to Tatiana.

    - Of course! From you really get rid of when the smell of fried. - Sergey smiled on the move, already opening the door.

    They got to Xenia quickly - her big, with the corporate symbolism of the company, and the resistant desk was around the corner. The office manager sat frowning and looked at the monitor. Seeing Sergei, she stared at the monitor even more closely, even stretched her neck forward.

    - Ksenia ... - leaning on the bar and drumming his fingers, Sergey said quietly.
    There was no reaction, Ksenia only frowned stronger.

    - Ksyush, excuse me, I did not know. - Sergey smiled guiltily. - Well, about the position of receiving offers.

    Ksenia looked away from the monitor, leaned back in her chair, and did not look at Sergei. But I did not begin to speak - it is impossible to miss this opportunity. Let a little more burst, once got hooked.

    - I thought it was your own idea. - all the same guilty tone continued Sergei. - Well, about NPV, then ...

    - Of course, I sleep and see how I can calculate the net discounted income. - Ksenia was indignant. - What could be the income from the installation of a dispenser with paper towels? We will take money from employees, perhaps?

    - No, no, what are you, Xenia. - Sergey smiled, picking up the current, formed after cracked ice. - Now we will understand everything. Come on.

    - Where? - Xenia was surprised.

    “To our warlock, where else.” - Sergey smiled mysteriously.

    - To Marina Ivanovna, or what? - in the face of Xenia ran a fright. - I will not go, I have a lot of work.

    - Let's go. - encouraged Sergey. - It is necessary to understand. Hand dryer also got me.

    - I will not go. - firmly said Xenia.

    Sergey thought for a minute, looking from Xenia to Tatiana and back. Then, suddenly, a smile began to play on his face.

    - Yes, well, work, we ourselves go, then we will tell you. Tatiana, let's go to the smoking room.

    - I do not smoke.

    - I'll teach you, let's go.

    - No, thank you.

    - Damn it, come on, we need to talk.

    While walking into the street, they were silent. Sergey did not stop smiling.

    - What are you blooming? - Tatiana broke the silence, when there were only a few steps to the smoking-room. Fortunately, there was no one around.

    - Marina is a handle.

    - What? - Tatyana smiled. - Well this is yours, some kind of programmer's word. Do you mean that she develops bad standards?

    - No, I mean what I say. She is a handle. And Xenia - too. Therefore he left her, did not insist that she go with us.

    “Sergey, sometimes your humor begins to get me ...” Tatyana sighed wearily. - Who is the handle? Why the handle? Where is the handle?

    - Hands and ass. - Sergey smiled.

    - What hands and ass?

    - Hands, ass, toilet. - continued to smile Sergey.

    - What kind of toilet? And then the toilet?

    - Hands, ass, toilet, tap with water, dryer, paper towels ...

    - Well, what's wrong? Went to the toilet, washed his hands, dried or wiped with a towel. What is wrong?

    - Some people have a shorter chain. Only hands, and ass.

    “Your mother ...” Tatyana threw up her hands. - You can talk about something other than toilets, assholes and shit?

    - I can, but here the topic suggests itself. - Sergey shrugged his shoulders. - In short, both Marina and Xenia do not wash their hands after using the toilet.

    - How do you know? - in a high tone asked Tatyana.

    - Saw. - Sergey answered shortly. - We have a strange toilet - two cabins, no gender, and one sink. It happens, you wash your hands, someone comes out and ... leaves. Only this is a secret, please note.

    - Yeah, the secret of the secrets! - Tatyana again threw up her hands. - Who cares, eh? I don’t greet my hand with them!

    “You don't, but Svetlana Vladimirovna likes salad for lunch.” - Sergey laughed.

    - So what? - Tatiana asked puzzled. Then she frowned, and a shadow of disgust slid across her face. - Well, your mother ... Ksenia salad cuts?

    - Well, not me, that's for sure.

    “Oh ...” said Tatiana, an unprintable word starting with “b” and ending with “d”. - Nightmare! Horror! Disgusting! Why did you tell me that, huh?

    - Did you help yourself with salad? - Sergey laughed.

    - No, it's just disgusting! How to dig in someone else's shorts! Fuck only I went with you! Ugh! - Tatiana pretended to spit at her feet, turned around and resolutely moved away from the smoking room.

    - Wait! - Sergey shouted, threw an unfinished cigarette and ran after Tatyana. - Sorry, did not mean to offend you. Let's go to Marina!

    - I'm not going anywhere with you! - Tatiana's face was already red. - You're stupid!

    - Well, there is such a thing, but you need to figure it out. - Sergey spread his hands guiltily. - Come on.

    - Will not go! What, will there be to marry Marina, that she is a handle?

    - Of course not. We'll talk about the situation, which she did.

    - I will not go, said the same! - Tatyana answered irritably.

    - Yes, your mother ... - Sergei emotionally waved his hands and stopped. - Tatyana! I apologized! What are you, how ... And, though, roll, wherever you want ...

    Tatiana, after a few steps, stopped. The silent scene went on for a few seconds, after which Tatyana turned.

    - Come on, okay. - on her face was a simulated seriousness. “Only no more hands.”

    - I swear! - Sergey had a hand in his heart.

    We reached the quality director's office silently. Tatyana was swift as a doe, and Sergei was guilty behind the guilty air.

    - What are you doing, huh? - opening the door, Sergey immediately went on the attack.

    “I came ...” Marina turned to the visitors. - What do you want again? Tan, hello.

    - Hello. - Tatiana answered with a smile.

    - Who came up with NPV to count on all offers? - immediately got to the point Sergey.

    - Well, not me. - Marina answered defiantly. - Economists have come up with.

    - In the sense of economists? - Sergey was surprised. - And then the economists?

    “Pull your head out of your ass, nerd.” - Marina came to life. - And figure it out first, and then shout your mouth.

    Tatiana, who had time to sit on a chair, covered her eyes with her palm.

    - Who developed the situation? To receive offers from employees.

    - I. - Marina answered dryly.

    - And economists here what side?

    - They made a model for calculating economic feasibility.

    - By your orders?

    - On my instructions. - corrected Marina.

    - And why the heck is there economic feasibility? - Sergey continued to press.

    - Svetlana Vladimirovna ask.

    - I ask you.

    Marina was silent. It was evident that a serious internal struggle was taking place in the soul. You will not answer or continue to snap - the question will come up. If you give up, you seem weak, and even with the audience.

    - Svetlana Vladimirovna said that the proposals should be economically justified. - Marina chose the middle line of behavior. - I proposed to develop a standard, rules for receiving proposals. She agreed. I made. The mathematics of calculation was done by economists. More questions?

    - Yes, dohera! - Sergey answered with a call. - Why does the installation of a dispenser with towels in the toilet need an NPV calculation?

    - Because the standard is the same for all offers! - Marina was indignant. - All are equal before the law! Do you know this principle, the rule of law?

    - What is the rule of law, his mother ... - Sergey almost caught his breath. - Do you understand what you are saying at all?

    - I think very well. - Marina shrugged her shoulders. - And you, it seems, not very. Rules and standards must be united. They must ...

    - Work! - Sergey shouted. - The law should work, be useful, organize life!

    - Well, I am about the same ... - Marina was taken aback. “We are organizing life with the help of a standard ...”

    “You are not ordering it, but killing it!” - Sergey cried again. - Do not let her appear at all! How ... I don't know ... Like contraceptives!

    - Sergey, you promised ... - Tatyana said wearily.

    - Yes, I remember ... - Sergey stopped himself. - Marina, I'm sorry, but your law is a gandon.

    - It begins ... - Marina sighed. - What do you want, huh? I was told I did.

    “Oh, yes, tell me about your hard destiny.” - evil smiled Sergey. - Do you understand what you are doing? In general, you understand why the rules are needed?

    - Yes, better than yours! - Marina started losing her temper. - I am an ISO series certified specialist!

    - ISO, ISO, why ISO. - continued to smile Sergey. - Carry with this ISO, as with the written sack. You have no idea why these standards were invented, what was the point, what was the purpose. Just dull it all. To do according to the standard! This is world practice! This is the only way to bring order!

    - Sergey, but Marina is right. - Tatiana entered. - Without standards and rules is impossible.

    - Oh, and you too ... - Sergei turned his eyes on Tatiana. - Here you think for yourself. Do you drive a car?

    - Yes.

    - Then they met, probably, such a device - a traffic light (Tatyana nodded). Traffic light is the rule. It regulates the intersection. First, some go, while others stand, then vice versa. And everyone is happy, everyone is comfortable. No need to worry, steam, miss or not, slip or get in Bochin. Beauty and order.

    - So what? - Tatyana did not understand.

    - And the fact that the traffic light is the correct law. His goal - order at the crossroads, and convenience for all consumers. And he achieves this goal. Now imagine such a picture - the red light is on at all traffic lights of the intersection.

    - It's hard to imagine, but okay. - Tatiana nodded. - So what?

    - No one will go anywhere. The flow will stop. Life, movement, development — everything that filled the intersection with meaning will cease. Why?

    - Because red is burning. But it does not happen.

    - Yes, it does not happen. Because the traffic light was invented by normal people who understand and understand what they are doing, why and why. But here we have a clinical case. We have a bad traffic light. The one who doesn't give a shit is crossroads working or not. He is the main thing - do not bathe. Make and forget. To get rid of him. I was told - I did. They said to put the traffic light - I put. They will say to remove - I will remove. They will say to set it up - I'll set it up. No one is going - do not care, I had no such task. I was told - to put a traffic light.

    So it's easier? Yes, and what kind of power, eh? I'm home here! I want to - no one will go anywhere! I want - I will turn on green, let the cars fight!

    - Sergey, the metaphor is clear. - Interrupted Tatiana. - Well, we overdid it a bit, when the rules were made, will they correct that you are yelling?

    - Who will correct? Here is this aunt? - Sergey smiled. - You see, Tatiana ... I will tell you one important thing. Developing rules is a job. Which is conducted according to certain rules.

    - Rules for the development of rules? - Tatyana smiled. - And I thought you do not like bureaucracy.

    - This is not bureaucracy, but common sense. Any rule has a goal. If you know the goal, remember the goal, and do not lose sight of the goal, you get a good, correct, useful rule. If you do not know about the goal, forget it, ignore it, or, even worse, change it, it turns out to be a condom. Banal ban, barrier, wall, barrier. Any fool can make a ban instead of a rule;

    - There are no prohibitions! - Marina could not stand it - it's unpleasant to listen to how they discuss you, as if you are not here. - Anyone can submit an offer! What are you talking about?

    - About you, my dear. - Sergey continued. “So much the worse.” Well, when, like, equality of opportunity is announced, ehegey! All come here! All writing sentences! Anyone can help the development of the company! But ...

    - What is "but"? - asked Tatyana.

    “But ... Eh ... Thanks for the offer, but would you be so kind as to count the NPV of your proposal?” Will not be? And why? Oh, where are you going? What happened? Wait, gentlemen, what are you running up like cockroaches? This is just NPV! Everything is simple there! Well, more ...

    - What else? - Tatiana asked with interest.

    - More ... Well there ... Help from the venereologist, please bring. And, yes, another from the Unified State Register of Excerpts ... Oh, wait, so as not to run twice - do not forget the certificate from the pediatrician! Just to have it written “for hands and asses”! Exactly so, otherwise they will not accept!

    - God, again you are for your ... - Tatyana stared at the papers lying on the table.

    - Yes, it would be better just sent to hell! Do you understand? Than like this - open the door, let people in, and lead them through this labyrinth of the moronic!

    - Listen, you already got ... - Marina hissed.

    - I have not started to get you yet. - Sergey said menacingly. - You will wait for me, I will not leave now. The whole company has been entangled by its network, everything is already rotting, everything is a shit on everything, because everything in your rules has drowned. Step can not step to your rules do not stumble.

    “These are not my rules, but international!” - Marina's face began to blush. - This is a guarantee of the company's future, including in international markets!

    - This is a guarantee of a beautiful funeral company. According to the ISO standard. Straight and write in an obituary - “She was a good fellow, she lived by the standards. True, not for long. ” Understand you, dope your head. ISO standards are case, recommendation, pattern. It should be taken as a basis, and make your own rules that will not contradict him, but will move the company forward.

    - Teach me more! - Marina did not let up.

    - Why teach you something ... - Sergey sighed. - You think too much about yourself. You are holding on to your standards, your little mastery, thinking that this is the most precious thing in your career. You, as they say, do not understand the words of life, for you abide in death.

    You, as a quality director, in fact, can become, if not the second, then the third person in the company. Because quality, standards, processes - they are everywhere. And they are in your power. You alone can give the company an incredible impetus to development. You can achieve incredible - both in this company and in any other. If you pull the head out of your ass. Do you understand? BUT?

    - Yes, you go ...

    - Here, you and answer the same as your rules and standards. You do not understand that I am your best friend on this planet. I alone tell you the truth. And I can help you.


    I will manage ... - You will not manage. Or with me, or home. - Sergey said with a smile. - Do not forget that I am now - deputy. development director. And development, first of all, is inside. And what we have inside? Processes. Who is involved in the process? Director of quality. Who is our quality director? You. If you don’t stop sculpt bans everywhere, we’ll have another quality director. Everything, point.

    I will teach you if you want. If you do not want to - go to another office, on another worthless project of introducing a worthless standard to achieve worthless goals. With me, you will take the company to a new level. I guarantee this to you. If not, leave together.

    Marina was silent, intensely thinking about something. Tatyana turned her gaze to Sergey, then to Marina.

    Suddenly the door opened, and Svetlana Vladimirovna, the director, entered.

    - Good afternoon, colleagues. What are you arguing about? - asked Svetlana Vladimirovna. - Marina, what are you doing? Sergey, what is happening?

    - All is well, Svetlana Vladimirovna. - Marina sincerely smiled. - We discuss business issues.

    - What, if not a secret? The director asked briskly.

    - Regulations on the acceptance of proposals from employees.

    - Ah, got it. - nodded Svetlana Vladimirovna. - What, something wrong with him?

    - Yes, we will change it. - Marina said seriously. - The practice of use has shown that we bent the stick. I will finalize, bring you, discuss.

    - Well, I'm glad! - Svetlana Vladimirovna smiled, and turned to Sergey. - Sergey, how are you? Did you have good time?

    - Fine. - Sergey shrugged his shoulders. - You, this ...

    - What?

    - Salad in the store is better to order ...

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