Corporate Syndrome

    - The idea with iPhones - complete shit. - Sergey began the meeting.

    - Excuse me, Sergey, did I hear right? - Svetlana Vladimirovna asked, squinting badly.

    - Not misheard, Svetlana Vladimirovna. - Sergey nodded. - iPhones will have to be canceled, otherwise this bedlam moron will not stop.

    Tatiana, apparently, did not expect such a development of events, sat with round eyes. With these round eyes, she stared at Sergei. However, like the rest of the gentlemen, top managers.

    - And this says the person who is most concerned for the development? - With a malicious smile asked Marina, director of quality?

    - You would be silent better ... - Sergey sighed.

    - And you do not shut up my mouth! - the smile from Marina’s face disappeared. - You offer these iPhones yourself, then you call them by shit. As a capricious woman.

    - The idea is not Sergey, but mine. - Svetlana Vladimirovna said firmly. - Sergey, I'm waiting for an explanation. And please choose expressions, you are not talking to programmers. Yes, and with programmers do not talk like that.

    - Good. - Sergey answered dryly. - We give iPhone to the person who submitted the most offers in a month. As a result, we began to receive many times more ideas from our employees. But ...

    - But what? - impatiently asked Svetlana Vladimirovna. “Isn't that our goal?”

    - Of course not. - Sergey portrayed sincere surprise. - Our goal is the development of the company, and not a race of meaningless, obvious ideas that lie under their feet.

    “Well, of course, some ideas seem far-fetched ...” confidence began to disappear from the voice of the director. “But isn't“ the more the better ”?

    - Yes, the Lord is with you, Svetlana Vladimirovna! - Sergey threw up his hands and picturefully leaned back in his chair. - What is the point in such a number of ideas that no one is going to implement? Did you read them at all?

    - I read, of course ... - it is not often possible to observe a confused director. - There are controversial, but in general ...

    - Controversial? - Sergey raised his eyebrows. “Come on, read ...”

    Sergei pulled out the printouts embedded in the notebook, twisted it in his hands, ran over his eyes.

    - Here, from the last. Idea number 3879: "Create a new product for our customers." Or how do you find this: "Improve the quality of production." And what do you think about “Enter the international market”?

    There were stifled giggles from different sides. Svetlana Vladimirovna also smiled. But Marina ... Marina began to turn purple.

    - These are my suggestions! She blurted out. - What is the problem? What don't you like again?

    - What is the problem? - Sergey rounded his eyes and stared at Marina. But for a long time I could not sit with round eyes, and smiled. - You really do not understand?

    - What should I understand? - Marina’s voice shivered unkindly. - I did everything according to the rules of the idea contest.

    - And received as a gift the latest model iPhone. - Sergey nodded. - There he is, in your hands. Already done airbrushing. What is there? "The smartest"? "The most beautiful"? Or "And what am I to break something?"

    - And you do not stick your snout! - Marina finally exploded. - What I want, I will write! This is my iPhone! I honestly earned it by completing all the conditions of the competition! If you can not, sit down and be quiet!

    - Tryndets ... - Sergey smiled bemusedly. - Marina, do you hear yourself? Are you healthy You…

    - For yourself, worry! - interrupted Marina. - Enough to drive me and scoff! Svetlana Vladimirovna, I will not participate in the meeting where my personality is violated!

    - Yes, Sergey, stop. - strictly said the director. - On the person to go in any case is not worth it.

    - So it's just in the personalities, Svetlana Vladimirovna. - Sergey did not let up. - And - quite specific. Take, for example, Vladimir Nikolaevich, our esteemed commercial director.

    - What's wrong with him? - Svetlana Vladimirovna was surprised. - Vladimir Nikolayevich's suggestions for finalizing the design of our equipment are simply wonderful. We considered them at the technical council, and all the experts said that the ideas were worthwhile, and they needed to be implemented.

    - Suggestions are something wonderful. Only ... - Sergey sustained a theatrical pause. - Whose are they?

    - In what sense - whose? - Svetlana Vladimirovna frowned. - Vladimir Nikolaevich. At you the system itself fixes who added the sentence.

    - Doesn't anything bother you? - Sergey smiled. - Commercial director, tradesman to the bone, suddenly begins to argue in terms of mechanics, hydraulics and strength of materials?

    - So, Sergey ... - now Vladimir Nikolayevich began to blush. - Speak directly, and deliver us from your detective insinuations.

    - You published these ideas with * Vladimir Nikolayevich. - Sergey stared at the commercial director.

    Duel views lasted a few seconds. Won, of course, the merchant - many years of experience in difficult negotiations affected.

    - You have been let down by the ignorance of our automated system. - looking at the table, said Sergey. “Six months ago, we automated the work of the service department under your command.

    - What? - the commercial director was outraged. - What other automation? Yes, you get to hell! None of my tasks have been completed yet! What are you talking about?

    - You, the main thing, write more tasks. - sincerely laughed Sergey. - Specifically your, I apologize, the tasks will soon make us the best IT-comedians of the Internet. Whatever the task - a smart post for bash.

    - Yes, how dare you. - began to choke Vladimir Nikolaevich. - Svetlana Vladimirovna, I support Marina! What a farce! I ... So we! We are respected top managers in a big, serious, ambitious company! Why does this bastard talk to us like that?

    - Top managers, they ... - Sergey snorted. Then he puffed out his cheeks, and began to shake his head from side to side in time with the words. - Top-top-top-top ...

    - Sergey, do not clown around. - Svetlana Vladimirovna said not very strictly.

    - And how can you not clown around? - Sergey smiled. - Already the second cool top manager calls for mom in 10 minutes.

    - You started talking about the service. - Svetlana Vladimirovna could not hold back a smile.

    - Yes exactly. - Sergey shook himself. - So here. The guys from the service now, when they are returning from repairs to repair, fill out a report in the system. Well, you know, that was your idea.

    Svetlana Vladimirovna nodded.

    - Being engaged in repair, they communicate with workers and mechanics of clients much. - continued Sergey. - There, the guys are also smart, and, most importantly, they work with our equipment, hands. Real problems solve. And give our servicemen their suggestions for improvements. Sensible, thoughtful suggestions - they are also engineers, like our guys.

    - So what? - asked Svetlana Vladimirovna. - It always has been.

    - So, yes, not so. - Sergey shook his head. - Previously, they wrote down all the proposals on a piece of paper, and gave them to their superiors. Guess who?

    - To me, who else! - Vladimir Nikolaevich was indignant. It seems he began to understand what was going on.

    - So ... - Sergey did not pay attention to the replica of the business director. - Dear top manager, these papers were safely thrown away, not wanting to bother with the modernization of the equipment - this is almost a stop to sales. While the designer will be drawn, while the suppliers will find suppliers for new parts, until the tests are completed, until that time ...

    - This is ridiculous, right word. - it seems that Vladimir Nikolayevich too much threw up his hands. - Svetlana Vladimir ...

    Then the commercial director stopped short - apparently, he did not want to call his mother again.

    - It's funny, not funny, but where are these pieces of paper? - Sergey asked. - The customer service does not exist for us the first day, but a bunch of ideas on how to refine the equipment appeared just now? When iPhones began to distribute?

    - Sergey, how did you find out about it? - Svetlana Vladimirovna asked with a smile. - You seem far from the topic of equipment and production.

    - By pure chance! - answered Sergey. - They, that is, the guys from the service, came to me. They say - oh, come on, show us where the iPhones are here. Well, I registered them in the system, I began to show that yes how. They ask - and then accept proposals for the modernization of equipment? I say - kanesh. I filter the list in the category “Products and Equipment” - I thought it would be empty and I would please the guys - well, that they will be the first. And there - ba! Vladimir Nikolaevich put together two dozen sentences! The guys are watching - uh, they say these are our ideas! I say - well, yeah, why are you treating me? Prove it. They - so look at our report last, in the accounting system! He himself forced us to contribute everything there. Look - mother is honest! The letter in the letter! But that's bad luck: they got a report a week earlier than Vladimir Nikolaevich registered his ideas!

    There was an uncomfortable, oppressive silence in the meeting room. Svetlana Vladimirovna looked out the window. Sergey stared at his notebook. The rest of the colleagues looked mainly at the table.

    - Comment, Vladimir Nikolaevich? - finally asked Svetlana Vladimirovna.

    - What is there to comment, sorry? - the commercial director began modestly. Then he began to burn, with every word. - If my job obligation is to receive and read these offers, on equipment? Did I have to kick them into the system, register sentences? In the end, it's not their ideas, but our customers! And I am the chief customer officer, I am the commercial director! And the guys from the service just gave me what the workers said! Yes, I wanted to spit! I will not write anything to your retarded system anymore! He brought a bunch of useful suggestions, and he was still to blame!

    - Give iPhone too? - With a sly squint asked Sergei.

    - Yes, take it! - Vladimir Nikolayevich began picturing pictures in his pockets. Then he seemed to remember something, his hands froze on the side pockets of the pizhdak. - No, I can not, sorry. I gave it to my wife. Buy and give a new one. Let them choke. To give?

    - No one needs to give. - Svetlana Vladimirovna said wearily. - Leave yourself. From a formal point of view, you have not violated anything. From the moral, of course ... Damn, shame ...
    Svetlana Vladimirovna again stared out the window. Her face seemed to begin to twitch slightly, her lips compressed, her eyes narrowed.

    - Sergey, do you have everything? She asked, not looking away from the window.

    - Unfortunately not. - answered Sergey.

    - What else? - Svetlana Vladimirovna turned and looked at Sergey. Her eyes seemed to get a little wet.

    - The last item. - Sergey was confused. It is good and pleasant, of course, to scold and blame, but the director is a pity. - Nothing special. Valeria, about you.

    - About me? - Valeria raised her eyebrows, the chief accountant. It was evident that did not expect. - What am I? I haven't done anything from anyone ... as you said ... I didn't steal, in short. And my ideas are purely practical, connected with our work.

    - Related, yeah. Very, very directly. - Sergey nodded. - And with your, and with mine. I have not seen such ideas for a long time, it's just ...

    - Sergei, more to the point. - Svetlana Vladimirovna's voice shivered a little.

    - Yes, I beg your pardon. - agreed Sergey. - Valeria, like some other accounting staff, writes tasks as ideas.

    - Tasks? What are the tasks? - Svetlana Vladimirovna was surprised.

    - The most common. Report some automate. Add a couple of fields to the shipment document. The form of the accounting policy settings are subdivided. Before they started giving iPhones, accounting simply put such tasks in the IT department. And now, as it turned out, these are not tasks, but ideas.

    - Something I do not understand. - Svetlana Vladimirovna frowned. - And what is wrong? Of course, the ideas are not very significant, but the same ideas? Report to make, for example, which was not there before.

    “Excuse me, Svetlana Vladimirovna,” Sergey put a hand to his chest. - but in such a way we will soon have ideas to “go to hell”, “to buy paper for a printer” and “to wash the floor in the corridor”. Vaughn, Kolyana ask.

    - Whom? - Svetlana Vladimirovna did not understand.

    - Me, apparently. - mumbled Nikolai Sergeevich, head of production. - Serge, what are you going to run into me?

    - No, Kolyan, you just otchebuchil with your idea. - Sergey laughed. - Well, you need to think of it - “make a vacation schedule for the next year.”

    This time they laughed out loud - everything, except for the director and chief accountant, whose question has not yet been closed.

    - Yes, I am so, without a complaint, I don’t need your iPhones. - through laughter said Nikolai. - So to say, as part of testing the system. I did not think that anyone would notice at all.

    - Valeria, comment? - asked Svetlana Vladimirovna. Laughter and discussion immediately subsided.

    - And what to comment on? - with an easily readable call, Valeria asked. - I did not break any rules. If my ideas don't work, don't take them into your competition. What am I to blame for? Competition announced, I just took the opportunity.

    - And they got an iPhone ... - looking at Valeria, Svetlana Vladimirovna said.

    - Received. Here he is. - Valeria lifted from the table the miracle of technology in the aluminum case. - And what is wrong? We must use the opportunities that the company gives. Is it not ...

    - No, it is unbearable ... - muttered Svetlana Vladimirovna, got up from her chair and went to the window. She looked into the distance for a few seconds, apparently trying to control her emotions. - I am ashamed of you, colleagues.

    - Why? What happened? - Marina asked.

    - What is it? - Svetlana Vladimirovna’s tone has risen sharply. - Do you understand what you are doing? I ask for petition, but I will not choose expressions. Because of some crazy iPhones that any of you can buy with one paycheck, disgrace the company's management! All company! The whole layer of top management! Me personally! Owner!

    - Why did we disgrace something, we after all only ... - began Marina.

    - Shut up! You had time to talk, Marina! Do you understand that this is an open system? What does everyone see the offers you are submitting? Everyone is present at the award, and see who gets these freaking iPhones? Lord, I'm still ... - Svetlana Vladimirovna stumbled. -
    I'm still making some sublime speeches at these general meetings, with the whole company. What is our Marina well done! What Vladimir Nikolaevich, it turns out, is ideological!

    Fuck, people! What's wrong with you? You are the managers! Top managers! The face of the company! What face are you after this? You - ass, the real! Who will believe you, who will follow you? I believe who will? How to talk to people now?

    Just think about the possibilities! Sit and look around where there are any elevators, trends, themes, as you like to say! Nobody - I repeat, none of you - thinks about the good of the company. Just looking for these fucking opportunities. So they became top managers - they searched, searched, and found these opportunities. All you need is opportunities.

    Despite the common sense, honor, dignity, benefits for the company! Just to grab! How nouveau riche, moneylenders, traders! Do you understand what you are doing?

    Here everyone complains - you notice, complain - about the lack of corporate culture. What people don’t want to work, they don’t like the company, they’re late for work, they do their work lightly.

    And who creates this corporate culture? I? Tatyana our miserable? Who sets the system of values, the coordinate system sets for employees? You! People are not fools, you cannot make a company to love them with drinking on corporate parties! They see you - successful, polished, satisfied with life. Riding the wave, and still looking around, looking for opportunities! After all, everyone understands now: if you want to be successful, do it as a top manager! Steal - and money, and ideas, pass them off as your own, be a bureaucrat, do everything formally, follow the rules, catch the flow.

    And for what, tell me? For iphone? Or have you developed the disease, the syndrome of lost profits? Any opportunity to grab, which can contribute to your own personal success?

    And who will care about the success of the company? BUT? I? Owner? People who lead? Who should be a leader, an example? What do you think, it was only with the pioneers? Has the world changed? Only I, only for me, only what is beneficial to me? I'm asking you!

    Suddenly, tears rolled from Svetlana Vladimirovna's eyes. This has not happened for a long time, from the first months of her work as a director. Muttering “I will be back now,” Svetlana Vladimirovna withdrew from the meeting room, leaving behind herself a heavy, buzzing silence.

    No one looked at anyone. Even Sergei, the culprit, was uncomfortable.

    “Well, you're doing great ...”, Vladimir Nikolayevich drawled, turning to Sergey. - Excuse me. Found an opportunity. You are now D'Artagnan, and we are all shit.

    - You have long been shit. - Sergey shrugged his shoulders. - Not you personally, but in general, all this is your n * health, with its mutual responsibility.

    - yours? Are you not ours? - Ironically asked commercial.

    - Not yours, and never was yours. - Sergey mocked him. - I wanted to shit on you. The director hired me. I work with the director. On the director.

    - Well, handsome, I'm talking - D'Artagnan. - Vladimir Nikolaevich continued to smile. - Even the principles are now some stitch here.

    - Bitch you, Sergey. - Marina said viciously. - Could just come up and say if something is wrong. Why exhibit something?

    - I approached you, Marina. - raised his voice Sergey. - Do not fool yourself to build. Do you remember what you answered me?

    - Well enlighten. - Marina smiled.

    - I quote: "go to hell, none of your business." - said Sergey, who was starting to lose his temper. - And do not sculpt a sneak out here or a traitor. I do everything openly. I don't give a shit about your games.

    - Nobody will give you more hands. - Vladimir Nikolayevich entered again. - Not so, Sergey.

    - Put your hands in your ass. - already puffing from anger, said Sergey. - I will interrupt somehow.

    - Sergey, well, really ... - for the first time Tatyana cast her voice. - There is a framework, some boundaries, moral values.

    - Yes, only everyone has their own. - Sergey slightly slowed down the tone. - In general, we all want to achieve success. The only question is how to go to it. Someone creates personal success through the success of the company. He does his job well, or not just well, but better than anyone. Outstanding something creates, forward business moves. So, then it is not a shame to quit, and there is something to tell about. Do you understand?

    - Well yes. - Tatyana nodded.

    - I came - well, I don't know, to the position of director for quality. - Sergey continued. - And instead of digging in with connections, growing into a corrupt environment, catching opportunities
    - I took it, and really, beautifully and quickly realized a couple of projects to improve the quality.

    - And I realized! - Marina intervened. - ISO 9001 certified company? Are you?

    - Your mother ... - Sergey sighed. - What does ISO certificate have to do with quality? Well, Kolyan can tell us? Oh, Kolya? What impact did the certification on the great and powerful, all necessary ISO 9001 have on the production?

    - Well, there ... - Nikolay thoughtfully looked at the ceiling. - I now fill out some monthly bills. And no, I do not fill. I’m already bringing their marines to Marina, and I’m signing.

    - Papers? - Sergey was surprised. - What kind of paper?

    - And I know? - Nicholas shrugged. - What brought, then sign it. They say - it is necessary, for recertification, or whatever.

    - How? Didn’t the ISO certificate have any impact on product quality? - continued to monkey Sergey.

    - Well, you yourself know what you are ... - Nikolai was embarrassed, after which he turned to Marina and started chattering. - Marinochka, do not pay attention, we still have to work and work with you, and Sergey is always dissatisfied with something.

    - Pf, here's another. - Marina frowned. - I'll pay attention to all sorts of morons. Not a damn thing is understood, but it climbs there, with its own thoughts.

    - Oh, yes, in the ISO certificate, only geniuses can figure it out. - Sergey did not let up. - Yes, do not care, you yourself have already answered. Doing shit and defending. You paint it, you wear it, you prove to everyone that it's not shit, but a yummy yummy. And the quality service was engaged in pathological anatomy, and is engaged.

    - What? - Marina grinned.

    - In the corpses tinkering. - Sergey smiled in response. - It is not to ensure and raise the quality of processes and production, but to check finished products. Ready, you understand? With which you can not do anything. Only throw out if the marriage.

    - And I am not a manufacturer, in order to improve the quality there! - Marina raised her voice.

    - Well, here ... Teach mat.part, incompetent. - Sergey smiled. - Go to the shop, look at the poster that hung there. What is written? "Quality must be produced, and not ensured as a result of control." Your task as a quality management service is ...

    What a task the quality service has there, nobody heard, because Svetlana Vladimirovna returned to the meeting room. Her eyes were red, but for some reason her face was serene.

    - Colleagues, I apologize for this breakdown. - Svetlana Vladimirovna said, taking her seat. - I can’t take it back, but I apologize for the tone and expression. It is wrong to talk to people like that, neither to me, nor to you. I apologize again.

    Svetlana Vladimirovna paused, and began to rustle the papers lying in front of her on the table. No one dared to break the silence.

    “Oh, yes ...” the director suddenly raised her head. - The meeting is over. Results and measures will be discussed next time. Thanks to all.

    Saving their dignity, slowly, top managers rose from their seats and moved to the exit. Sergey was in no hurry - he wanted to be the last. Who knows, who put the bandwagon. In the end, when the last colleagues were leaving the door, Sergey got up.

    - Sergey, stay. - said Svetlana Vladimirovna.

    Stiff with surprise, Sergey almost dropped the papers from his hands. But he pulled himself together, returned to the same chair, folded his arms on the table.

    - It is necessary to change something. - smiling, said Svetlana Vladimirovna. - I was talking with the owner now, we have an offer for you.

    - What? - with bated breath, Sergey asked.

    - I will not voice the details, let's wait for Evgeny Viktorovich, he wants to talk with you himself. It will be in an hour.

    - Good. Are we meeting here?

    - Yes here. Come back in an hour.

    Sergey rose from his chair, and slowly walked toward the exit. At the door itself turned around, hearing the voice of Svetlana Vladimirovna.

    - Thank you, Sergey.

    PS The text is a continuation of "Corporate Schizophrenia . "

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