How to learn to determine when to say no

Do not try to do everything - decide for yourself what really deserves the effort and time

We tend to be deceived by the myth of unlimited possibilities, so it’s hard for us to admit that we can not do everything - because it is so ... restricting. In our naivety, we proudly declare that we have an infinite amount of time, a myriad of resources and unlimited possibilities. And the enlightened progress achieved in the era of modernism whispers that supply is infinite, demand is infinite - and we, too, are infinite.

The desire to avoid death seems to have spawned a culture that, in its myths, relies on the notion of immortality.

But in order to live in the real world - and according to the actual state of things - it is necessary to honestly answer the question of death and have humility to understand and accept the finiteness of our existence.

You can't do it all. But then what to devote your time to? What to focus on?

We would like to feel like gods, but in order to achieve more, we need to accept reality: we are limited and cannot do everything - therefore, we need to decide what we are going to occupy the only hands we have. It is difficult to come to terms with limitations, however, there are some approaches and methods that will help to understand when you need to answer “yes” to a new proposal and when “no” .

Translated to Alconost

The principle of “two out of three”

In the business world, the principle “choose only two options out of three” provides criteria by which important decisions are made that determine the fate of a product or organization. You can't do it all. But then what to devote your time to? What to focus on?

This approach, if you realistically evaluate your own limitations, defines three main elements that contribute to business success:

• Quality.
  
• Speed.
  
• Price.
  

Trying to determine what to say “yes”, you decide at the same time what “no” should be answered.

All three parameters need to be considered, but only two can be selected. For example, if a restaurant wants to have high-quality and fast service, then it will cost more. The company wants cheap, but high quality? Then it will take some time. Want fast and cheap? Definitely have to sacrifice quality.

Trying to determine what to say “yes”, you decide at the same time what “no” should be answered. It is impossible to achieve a maximum in all three parameters. If you try to manage to do everything, both qualitatively, quickly and cheaply, you will eventually fail for some of these criteria.

The juggling myth

Our idea of ​​infinite possibilities - the fallacy that everything can be done all at once - is often accepted without a doubt, because such a concept exists in the world of abstractions. Let's transfer it to the physical plane - let's talk about juggling.

The body's capabilities are limited, it occupies a limited place in space and consists of a limited number of parts. For example, usually a juggler has only two hands (though I saw how they juggle with one hand and even just with his foot). When juggling, you need to control a lot of objects with a given number of limbs at the same time: you can throw a lot into the air, but you can only hold a certain number of them in your hands (and in the focus of attention).

Our life can be compared to juggling: we think that by learning to manipulate a seemingly infinite number of objects, we cease to be limited in possibilities. In fact, at a particular moment, you can focus only on a small number of objects. We strive to become “jugglers,” but we cannot admit that, due to the limitations of the physical body, we are not able to hold so many objects at the same time, despite the fact that there can be many more of them in the air.

If you try to juggle everything with a large number of objects, then in the end not one of them will linger in our hands: objects, relationships, focus of attention and direction of work will appear before our eyes only for a short moment, immediately giving way to something else. Yes, you can control it all, but - in fact, never focusing on anything specifically.

Another good analogy is gardening. When growing a plant, it is wise to plant several seeds at once - this increases the chances that at least a couple will germinate.

But if in our physical world we try to grow several seedlings too close to each other, none of them will reach their potential: they will fight for space, nutrients, light and water. As a result, instead of one fully functional, healthy plant, you will have two, and both are stunted, underdeveloped, undersized.

Trying to get everything, you will not get anything.

Trying to act as if there are no restrictions, you will not get from the seeds what you needed.

The human tendency to try to be everything and do everything at once makes us cheat, and in the end we do not have time to bring anything to the end.

To grow a healthy plant, you need to get rid of extra seedlings - you have to prioritize.

Standards for Life Priorities

To set priorities, it’s useful to begin to understand what determines them for you — that is, you need to set a standard according to which you will choose.

The ideals laid down in the standard may change over time. For example, in youth we can do what we regret when we grow up. In the hackneyed argument that we have the only life that we can only live once, there is a wise thought from which we can benefit. The question, in fact, is this: what do you want to die from?

I realized that if you voice your own “standard”, something immediately becomes irrelevant. If we take cultural success and heroism in modern achievements as a standard, then this will determine what you say “yes” to. If the standard is health, love and significant relationships, then a certain set of priorities will already be laid in it, a priori. If you do not set a standard for yourself, by default you will choose what is closer and simpler. And we usually do not follow our true desires - in order to fulfill a desire, we need to be aware of it .

Using the principle of “two options out of three,” the business world has identified and named three standards that are convenient for itself: speed, quality and price. Companies make decisions according to these standards, which subsequently set priorities. That is, these standards define the essence of the business.

For us as individuals, “quality”, “speed” and “price” may not be so important, you can still ask yourself: what do I want to die from? What standards should be preferred - given the limited capabilities and endless time?

This is an important question: it will be he who determines what you say “yes” and what you refuse.

When to say yes

With respect to human life, the principle of “two out of three” is a matter of employment.

What is true for business, gardening and juggling is true for our occupations and priorities. Today we are as if on the treadmill of a constant striving for productivity: we praise efficient workers and respectfully sympathize when we hear that someone with befitting modesty tells how busy he is. The fast, chaotic rhythm of work in our society is extolled - however, it is also absurd. Both in life and in business, if we try to do a lot at once, in the end we do not get anything normally.

Therefore, “I am busy” - sometimes it’s just “I have no priorities”.

To acknowledge the limitations of one's own capabilities, humility, strength and perseverance are required.

Weak, naive, and insincere, one who wants to seem omnipotent, but cannot really take up anything.

Be a member of 18 organizations, work in two jobs with an endless list of responsibilities, be also an avid duck racing enthusiast, devote time to a local charity, try to read a book a week at the same time, always be ready to help friends and raise children and working on a relationship in marriage - that sounds great, but in this form none of this can be done at the proper level.

Yes, sometimes someone, for example, single parents, just has to take on more. But even in this case, it remains true that this person has many priorities, but time and energy are limited.

And then the question arises: "How can I do all this?" But to do everything completely will never succeed. Therefore, the correct question is: “What exactly will I undertake, and what will I have to give up?”

If your thirst is nothing and never quenches, it may seem to you that you achieve a lot. You will enjoy a vivid movie about your own life - one that we advocate as success. But in fact, you are more likely to actually achieve nothing.

I have not yet met a man who has achieved everything that is possible, proud of it and believes that it was worth it.

Perhaps we can say that choosing to “get everything”, you choose never to live. I’m also curious: would any of us want to become such a cultural hero who does not specifically invest in anything, but behaves as if he rejected death itself?

Perhaps such a seemingly heroic decision to take on everything at once is actually a cheap and simple option. I do not know a person who would be incredibly successful - by the insane standards of our culture - and at the same time would be satisfied with his life. I have not yet met a man who has achieved everything that is possible, proud of it and believes that it was worth it.

At the same time, I saw more than once that someone heroically tried to grow two seedlings together, and then lamented that I had no chance to try the fruit. I met those who knew a lot under this sun and came to the conclusion that all this was a meaningless brilliance that overshadowed the meaning of their life. More than once before my eyes people burned out, left empty, and their only desire was to return everything back.

But there was a person in my life who seemed a little rustic and provincial, and he was satisfied: being able to choose and focus on the chosen goals, he grew one plant at a time and enjoyed its fruits - he understood and accepted the finiteness of our existence, which means , and life itself.

When we try to be in many places at the same time, we find ourselves nowhere. When we try to hold everything in our hands, we remain empty-handed. When we try to do everything, then, despite the seductive whisper of social norms and cultural ideals, we can’t do anything for real - in the end, we’ll just be buried with these busy schedules, lists of achievements and futile attempts to pretend to be immortal.

So what to do?

We will follow the example of a business that is guided by the principle of “two out of three options”.

What do you know how to do well and what you can fully devote your time to? What business can you succeed by focusing on? What are you willing to sacrifice so as not to disperse excessively and still succeed in your chosen priorities?

This does not mean that you need to abandon hobbies that help to relax, from pleasure, development and gaining experience. This does not mean that you cannot, having decided on the most important goal of your life, take care of your loved ones and their health. But it is extremely important to name the chosen priorities, live in harmony with them - and be prepared to abandon what may contradict them.

If time, energy and resources are limited, what can you invest in? What can you completely surrender to? If you could succeed in only three areas reflecting the standard with which you hope to go to the grave, what would it be?

Say yes to this.

And realize that for everything else, it means no.

Or as Derek Sievers said: "If you do not want to say" hell, yes! " “It means no.”

About the translator

Translation of the article was done in Alconost.

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