Corporate Schizophrenia

    - The last question on our agenda. - rustled pieces of paper Svetlana Vladimirovna. - Assessment of staff satisfaction. Tatiana, you have the floor.

    - Good afternoon, colleagues. - a young, pretty girl, a new HR director, rose from her chair. - As you know, we conducted an assessment of staff satisfaction, and the results, unfortunately, are disappointing.

    Tatyana sustained a theatrical pause, looking at all the managers present - both top and not top.

    - The satisfaction became lower, in comparison with last year. - seeing that there is no reaction, Tatyana continued in confusion. - With this you need to do something. I have prepared several suggestions. Svetlana Vladimirovna, can I voice?

    “It begins ...” came a quiet whisper from the far end of the table.

    - I'm sorry, what? The director raised an eyebrow. - Am I talking to the laborers? Or with managers who care for the good of the company? Marina, did you say that now?

    - No, not me. - indignant Marina, director of quality. - Vaughn, our clever. Mister CIO. Sergey, distract from the phone, what are you doing there all the time?

    - Right now, right now, right now, just a minute. - without taking his eyes off the screen, Sergey rattled. - Fifteen seconds left, three more red balls and everything ...

    - Sergey! What a kindergarten! - almost cried the director. - You are not talking to programmers, but with the management of the company!

    - Yes, he is always like that ... - Marina correctly caught the line. - Sits, plays, while important issues are resolved.

    - Easy, Tabaka. - Sergey looked up from the phone with a disgruntled look and looked at Marina. - Uh-uh ... How is it ... there was no nodding team.

    - Tabaka? Colossally! - Marina smiled. - And who is it? I do not smoke.

    - Marina, Lord, forgive me ... You are from the USSR, but you don't know Tobacco. - Sergey smiled in response and sang as he could. “And we will go north, and when we return, there will be no one.” And even a little frog, and his pits, and his own mixture of his own. ”

    - So, stop the bazaar! - hit Svetlana Vladimirovna with a palm on the table. - For the next meeting all prepare proposals to improve staff satisfaction. Log this task. I will check personally.

    - Can I turn in last year? - Sergey portrayed the student's asking face at the session.

    - What does last year's pass? - the director was surprised.

    - Well, the list of offers last year. - continued Sergey. - Well, we wrote those last year. I have survived.

    - Sergey, this is not funny. - with tired look answered Svetlana Vladimirovna. - That's it, the meeting is over.

    The leaders began to rise silently from their seats - everything except Tatiana, who both rose and did not choose the right moment to sit back.

    Sergey was walking slowly - he took out his phone again and continued to play. Long years of work in the company were not in vain - he could walk along the corridors almost blindly, being guided only by lateral vision. There was a knock of heels from behind — someone was obviously in a hurry.

    - Sergei! Wait a minute - There was a familiar ringing voice.

    Sergey turned around - yeah, Tatiana. The face is agitated, blush on the cheeks.

    - Sergey, can I talk to you? - Tatyana asked and, without waiting for an answer, continued. “What skepticism?” Who, if not managers, should be happy for the benefit of the company and the satisfaction of employees?

    - Yeah, they should. And I'm happy. - Sergey answered shortly, and turned away, intending to continue his way.

    - Why then offered last year's list to bring? - Tatiana did not let up.

    - I have one last year. - Sergey stopped and smiled. - What is the point then?

    - What is the point ?! - Tatiana rounded eyes.

    “Okay, let's step aside, or the corridor was blocked.” - said Sergey and went to a small nook where certificates, politicians and other beautiful papers hung.

    - You do not believe in changes, improvements? - asked Tatyana.

    - I believe.

    - What then? Why don't you want to write sentences?

    - Well, how can I tell you ... There are more useful ways to waste paper. To tell?

    - No thanks. - Tatiana answered dryly. - Let's do without the humorous humor. Why consider suggestions useless?

    - Because no one will implement them. - Sergey answered seriously. - All offers are successfully sent to the furnace.

    - Not true, Sergey! - Tatiana's tone has become a bit inspirational. - Suggestions are very important! And from managers, and, especially, from ordinary employees, who on the ground see problems, and know how to solve them!

    - Well, your truth. - Sergey smiled. - I will go?

    - No, do not go! - Tatyana continued her motivating notation. - I, as an HR director, cannot allow a top manager of the company that you are to so openly sabotage the development!

    - Funny you say - "Eychar Director." - Sergey said thoughtfully. Then he suddenly perked up. - Do you know how one sensible person reads this abbreviation?

    - What is the abbreviation? - Tatyana looked at Sergey with bewilderment.

    - Well, yours, Eychar.

    - Well enlighten me.

    - hare. Hare department, hare director.

    - Oh, well, funny, straight. - Tatiana grimaced. - Indeed they say, a kindergarten of some kind.

    - Yep, exactly. I will go?

    - No, do not go! How can! If only to escape to your hole, to the orcs! - Tatiana was indignant. - What's wrong with the sentences? I work here recently, of course, but I was immediately struck, in a good sense, by the corporate culture adopted here! And the proximity of the owner to the people, and his willingness to listen and listen to suggestions from ordinary employees!

    - Are you talking about what?

    - About the opportunity to write their proposals directly to the owner, that's about what! - answered Tatyana. - Any employee can write an email, and the owner will read it personally! This is a strikingly close distance between the tops and bottoms! I have never met a single company ...

    - Have you tried? - cut off the long tirade Sergey.

    - What have you tried? - Tatyana stumbled.

    - Well, write a letter directly to the owner.

    - No, I recently worked.

    - Try it.

    - I will definitely try, Sergey. - Tatyana made a funny face. - As soon as I collect ...

    - Try it now. - Sergey cut off again. - Come on, reach the phone, write. I will prompt the box address.

    - How? So immediately, without preparation? - uncertain asked Tatyana. - No, I can not, and I do not know what to write.

    - I know dictate. Get out the phone. Give out my offer for yours.

    - No, Sergey, this is too much ...

    - Yes, damn, do not be afraid of you, everything will be fine. Get out the phone.

    Tatyana stared at Sergey for several seconds. Then she hesitantly reached for the pocket of her jacket and took out the phone. Opened the mail application, created a new letter. Sergey dictated the address and letter.

    - Write. I propose to appoint a moderator at the meetings of managers who will manage the reports, monitor the timing and stop senseless discussions. All send.

    - Great offer, by the way! - Tatyana shook her head. - What, send? Seriously.

    - Yes, in my mouth my legs, why are you shaking. - Sergey was indignantly indignant. - Submit!

    - Well, okay ... - Tatiana pressed the message sending button, locked the phone and put it back in her pocket.

    Sergey was silent and began to consider certificates hanging on the walls. Tatiana stared at Sergey.

    - Prefer vibro? - in half a minute Sergey looked up from the walls and looked at Tatyana.

    - What? Is it some sort of humor again? - Tatiana asked not so dryly.

    - Get the phone. - Sergey glanced at the pocket of Tatyana's jacket. - Suddenly answered already?

    - Well, yeah ... - Tatiana was embarrassed, but her hand reached for her pocket. - A letter! It came!

    - Well, read ... - Sergey smiled.

    - I read ... - Tatiana fiddled with unlocking. - So ... What?

    The letter was as follows.

    “Mother is honest! Here she is the savior of our poor company! Tatyana!
    What would we do without your suggestions! How did we live something!
    Go to work, to hell, and then dismiss!
    Yours, Owner. ”

    As the classics say, the whole gamut of feelings was reflected on Tatyana's face. Eyes moist, lips clenched, like a hurt child.

    - What does all of this mean?! - Tatiana asked in a trembling voice. - Sergey, you promised that nothing will happen ... I ... How now ... It's all you!

    - Yeah, it's all me. - Sergey laughed. - Okay, do not be offended. This is an answering machine, which I did. You see, he set your name and the floor correctly identified - look, "savior." The owner does not see either your letters or "his" answers.

    - So you played me? - still not fully believing in miraculous salvation, Tatyana asked. - Sergey, how do you allow ... So after all, a heart attack can happen! I'm generally neurotic!

    - neurotic? - Sergey was taken aback.

    - Yes, I - neurotic!

    Sergei looked at Tatyana in surprise for a few seconds. Then he suddenly smiled, slapped himself on the forehead.

    - Damn, this is one word - neurotic. Sorry, Tatyana ...

    - What do you think? - asked Tatyana. Then she raised her eyes to the ceiling and thoughtfully spelled. - Not-in-ro-tik ... Your mother, Sergey! Got your humor assorted! Ugh! Dingy!

    “Yes, it was heard simply, excuse me ...” said Sergey, confusedly, and began to chatter. - The owner used to read these letters, answered them, but eventually he understood the meaninglessness of this activity and asked me to make an answering machine, so I did.

    “Is that what you call an answering machine?” - Tatiana rounded eyes. - Is it possible for people to answer?

    - Of course not. I do not answer. - Sergey, seeing that Tatiana was not offended, began to regain confidence in herself. - No one has been writing to this box for several months, I have been tracking. You are the first in a long time.

    “Okay, email doesn't work.” - Tatiana continued. - But there is a box - out, hanging behind you. For those who do not use e-mail. You can write sentences on paper and put.

    “Well ...” Sergei moved aside and gestured to invite Tatiana to the box.

    - What is it? Again you want to play me? What is going to be there? Will everything explode?

    - Not. Here, take ... - Sergey fumbled in his pockets, took out some crumpled check. - With refueling check. Push in the drawer.

    - Check with gas station? As a suggestion for improvement? - Tatiana smirked. - Original!

    However, the check took and began to thrust it into the box.

    - So ... Damn ... - Tatiana puffed. - Do not stick ... Why? Scotch something shut up?

    - No, scotch could not hold the heat of the generators of ideas. - Sergey smiled. - So they pushed their papers, that scotch came off. I had to put the plywood on the screws from the inside.

    - Well, you are a prankster ... - Tatiana returned the check to Sergey. - What, the reason is the same? Does the owner want to respond to the proposals?

    - Of course. It’s even worse - you can quickly reply to an email, and here you’ll write some of the workshop soaring, and you have to walk to it, clap your shoulders and thank you for your contribution to the development of the company.

    - Isn't it easier to remove the box?

    - Not. Watched Prostokvashino?

    - I watched, but what is there?

    - About the episode picture was. Type, why is this picture hanging here? It turned out, the hole on the wallpaper closes. And here too. The box has been hanging for a long time, then the repair was done, the wallpaper for painting was glued, well, and ...

    - What?

    - The box on the dowels sits, did not tear off ... Well, these ... Gentlemen from Central Asia ... In short, under the box there is a wallpaper of a different color. We decided to leave.

    - What a nightmare ... Bytovuha ...

    There was a pause. Tatyana was thinking about something intensely. Sergey wearily looked at her, trying to predict the course of thoughts.

    - Is everything hopeless? - asked Tatyana. - Sergey, tell me. This is all, of course, very fun, but still ... After all, for some reason, Svetlana Vladimirovna asked for proposals to write ...

    - So it should be. - Sergey answered dryly. - There is a problem - we need events. Well, you know how it always is. Someone denotes a problem at a meeting, and reluctance to think about the decision to anyone. If only to dump quickly. So we came up with a standard course - we add the item “to develop measures to eliminate the problem” in the meeting’s minutes. It is, one to one. You identified the problem, the director said to come up with an event.

    - So these are not events, but suggestions. - Tatiana said in a tired voice. - Just ideas what you can do.

    - The first step is ideas. Then, if you're lucky, it will reach the second step - to develop measures for the implementation of ideas. Assign deadlines responsible - this is the third step.

    - So this is right! - Tatiana perked up a little. - Events, responsible, timing. So it should be!

    - Must, who argues something ... - Sergey smiled. - Only no one will allow it.

    - In what sense?

    - Nobody wants to engage in the implementation of ideas, especially - strangers. Therefore, there is a collective guarantee - everyone will write some nonsense. Either impracticable or obvious.

    - Mutual responsibility? Are you seriously? - Tatiana smirked. - Does the director know about this?

    - Of course. The director knows this best of all. - Sergey answered seriously. - Because, in an amicable way, it is the director who should be written responsible for implementing most of the improvements. At a minimum, the director will make decisions, coordinate costs, etc. Does she need it?

    - Well, here I am, I am not a member of your club saboteurs! - Tatiana began to get excited. - I do not care about your common laziness and swamp! I will write the sentences myself! Good, efficient, which really will help make the company better!

    - Write, no one doubts. - Sergey barked his head. - People like you always write.

    - What else to hell "like you"? - Tatyana's voice sounded loud, and a blush appeared again on her cheeks. - What's wrong with me?

    - Yes, you calm down, Tatiana. - peacefully continued Sergey. “People like you are managers who recently started their career path in our prosperous company.” And I was the same, and I wrote a lot of proposals for improvements, and warmly defended them.

    - Oh, something I doubt! - Tatiana threw up her hands. - You, yes a lot of suggestions? Yes, you are the most lazy, inert, and ... I do not know ... The strange leader I saw! You would only joke about joking about pussy-ass, like my five-year-old son. Another beard and dirty T-shirt is not enough to look like a real IT-man!

    - Ok, and thanks for that. - Sergey lowered his eyes. “All right, did I satisfy your curiosity?” I have a lot of work ...

    - I ... Sorry if I'm offended, Sergey ... - Tatyana took Sergey by the hand. - Do not take to heart. Well, understand me, I’ve been here recently, maybe I don’t know everything else ...

    - Well, let's go, I will show you. - suddenly smiled at Sergei and resolutely moved away from the corner.

    - Where again? - Tatiana was a little taken aback, and hesitatingly followed him.

    - To my office. - Sergey answered, turning his head on the move.

    - What is it? A bucket of water will pour out on me when I come in? - Tatyana smiled on the run. - Let's get you first go.

    Sergey did not answer. He reached the office, sat at his desk, moved the second chair for the guest, unlocked the computer. He fumbled in the open windows, squashed displeasure, apparently did not find what he was looking for. I clicked on the shortcut on the desktop, and Tatiana saw the familiar screensaver of the corporate task management system.

    - What, you want to show me the task? Or put?

    - No, we will do archaeological excavations. Once you are so inquisitive.
    After waiting for the system to load, Sergey began to switch between the bookmarks.

    - So ... Tasks ... Projects ... Here it is!

    - What is it? - Tatiana squinted, looking at the monitor.

    - A system for collecting and recording proposals for improvement. - with pride said Sergey. - Do you know each other?

    “Yes, I remember something ...” said Tatyana, a little confused. - Your training programmer showed ... Does it work?

    - Yes, why not work something. Want to see the statistics?

    - What? Oh, come on.

    - So, where is she here ... But, found. So ... - Sergei formed a statistical report, and began to read into numbers. - A total of 2,147 proposals were submitted, of which ...

    - How many? - Tatiana sincerely surprised and also stared at the monitor. - Two thousand one hundred ... somehow? How, where from?

    - Yes, you wait. - Sergey smiled. - Of these, sold 1535.

    Tatiana stared at Sergei in bewilderment, as if waiting for the next devil from the snuffbox.

    “You ... Are you kidding me again?” - without taking her eyes off Sergey, Tatyana asked. - Is it real data? Or, again, some kind of fake? With plywood.

    - All data is real.

    - Oh, I understood ... - Tatyana smiled. - This is some kind of old system, and the ideas here are good. Here your list lives, which you want to pass?

    - What? - Sergey was indignant and began to frantically move the mouse, as if he was looking for something. - Here, admire!

    Sergey turned the monitor a bit towards Tatiana, and moved aside.

    - Well, what ... What should I see? Some list. Ideas ... Well, what is there?

    - Yes, that's it! - Sergey jabbed a finger at the monitor. - Column "date of creation." See, and there are today. And yesterday.

    - Where? Oh, and really ... Give a mouse! - Sergey gave the mouse to Tatiana, and she began to look through the list of ideas. - And why are some green highlighted?

    - This is realized. Look, look, the column with the date of implementation.

    Tatyana looked through the list of ideas for several minutes. Her face was becoming more serious.

    “I don’t understand anything ...” she finally gave the mouse and stared at Sergey. - What did you tell me then about these boxes, make fun of me? If there is a working system. Why didn't you talk about it at the meeting?

    - Why talk, everyone knows about it. - Sergey shrugged his shoulders. - Only the leaders do not go here. Ideas do not write, do not implement.

    - Who writes then?

    - Well, the very same staff in the field who see the problem. And managers do not even read what their employees write.

    - Well, how do you know that? - Tatyana began to resent again. - They closed, damn it, a good system, they didn’t know where they hid it, and you sit still and don’t read!

    - Nothing closed, Tatiana. - Sergey was offended. - I repeat, everyone knows. But no one reads from managers. I know this for sure, because I did the system myself. All readings of ideas are recorded, and I see them. Well, i.e. I see that there are no readings from managers.

    - So I must say about it! Director, everyone! That we are there, like fools, we sit at meetings, we write these lists, and here everything is ready and automated! Sergey, you are sorry, but you are still strange!

    - These are not related things at all. - answered Sergey. - I explained to you. The list of events is just a ceremony like this, adopted in the circles of leaders. They wanted to shit on all the improvements. They have no ideas. And they are not going to sell.

    “What do they mean?” - Tatiana continued to resent. - You, too, - "they"? You are the same leader! Also do not write ideas and do not implement them?

    - How is it ... - Sergey was surprised. Then he took the mouse, clicked the button. - Here, admire!

    - What is it?

    - Statistics on people. Who gave how many ideas, how many of them implemented, who implemented the most.

    - So ... - Tatiana carefully looked at the monitor. - Oh, I see, sorted ... Who is in the first place? .. You?

    - I, and what's wrong with that.

    - you? - Tatiana looked up from the monitor and stared at Sergei. - Have you submitted the most bids? How many are there?

    - 1147 like. - turning to the monitor, Sergey answered. - So I also implemented 768 - half of all submitted proposals. And note: most of the implemented ones are not of my authorship. That is, I mainly implement other people's ideas.

    Tatiana fell silent, looking at Sergei with surprise. Gradually, surprise vanished from her face, giving way to intense thoughtfulness. Finally, when the pause began to clearly detract, Tatyana gathered up and slowly began to speak.

    - I do not know what to say, Sergey. You throw me into shock. Breaking my patterns and stereotypes. I can’t bind you in my head ... I mean, two of you - that’s playing at the meetings and last year’s handing over lists, with the one who wrote and implemented the most suggestions for improvements. How can this be?

    - Do you think I have a split personality? - Sergey smiled. - Social or corporate schizophrenia?

    - I don’t know what to think ...

    - But don’t think, Tatyana. There is work, there is all sorts of crap. Work - it is here in the field. Quiet, calm, without meetings, events, deadlines and projects. And there, in high offices - well, there is all crap. There are other values, other goals, other methods, other ethics. There, no one wants to risk it, because, no matter how trite, the place is expensive.

    - To whom is the place expensive? - Tatiana was surprised. - Oh, are you talking about your mutual responsibility?

    - Well yes. - Sergey nodded. - Head - he, after all, like a surfer. If you get up to the wave - do not hurt yourself, do not wave your hands, do everything to hold on and not fall. Suddenly, the next wave year to wait.

    - And where does the ideas for improvements? - again Tatiana was surprised.

    - I will answer with a hackneyed phrase: the initiative is punishable. Mark out the proposal - you should be made responsible for implementation. And the term set. And responsibility will denote. And spin as you like.

    - Is it wrong on your system?

    - Not this way. There is no responsible. Whoever wants, or can, or both, takes and does. If I did - I write comments, I note the implementation and indicate who specifically did. One solid democracy. These improvements, albeit small.

    “Hmm ...” Tatyana thought again. - Does Svetlana Vladimirovna know about this? Well, about numbers, statistics, how many offers are implemented?

    - Of course.

    - Why "of course"? Why don't I know?

    - Because the results are not discussed at the general meeting. Once a week I meet with her on work issues and talk about the most interesting proposals and their implementation. Well, there, if you need money, I discuss budgets. Usually they are not big.

    - Why do you arrange such a small party?

    “Well, I’ve already said ... So as not to rock the boat.” Meetings with the director are not work. And not for work. It is to sit down, cheek, write a protocol, then throw it out, say “everything is fine in my unit”, hear the answer “ok, thanks, the next one”.

    - You can still play the phone. - with a kind smile added Tatyana.

    - Well, yes, why not. Consider it a privilege. From the director. Well she knows who is who.

    - And who is who?

    - I am a programmer. The rest - I do not know. Let them decide for themselves.

    Tatyana was silent and looked at Sergey, with genuine interest in her eyes.

    - I also want to. She finally said.

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