Original resume

    The resume came to the bank

    Ivan Abramovich Left

    Kharkov, rent an apartment in a
    house. no
    mob. still don’t call, you’ll lose your resume, I’ll call you.


    Lead developer, project manager. A deep understanding of the software development industry in terms of outsourcing, spinning up the customer for headstock, creating a powerful visibility of the team and the development of the project with real zero impact and lack of any skills for programmers.
    Extensive experience in managing groups of unknowing students (KhIRE), bombastic something knowledgeable graduates (KhAI) and something knowledgeable clever freeloaders who still dump two months later on a higher salary or abroad (FizTekh / MehMat KSU).
    A deep understanding of negotiating with customers / investors, knowledge of discounts in all prestigious saunas, clubs and, hmm ... massage centers.

    Awards and certificates:

    * Brainbench - all possible certificates, including English, which I received when the bench was still free and I did not need to do it.
    * MCSE - issued in the last major company where I worked, forcing
    me to memorize the answers to the tests and giving a small bribe to the certification company.
    * Third place at the regional math olympiad in the eighth grade, which I am still very proud of (the teams of the 27th and 89th schools at that time came down to full strength after drinking together).

    Professional skills:


    * C / C ++ - I read Straustrup one and a half times. I have in stock about a dozen stupid unneeded sublets in my life, which I can break off at the interview of any wise guy. In fact, C ++ is not an object-oriented language, not like Java or SmallTalk.
    * JAVA - unlike C ++, this is the language in which I can actually write a demo version of any mega-order and confidently expand it within six months. Java is a true object oriented language!
    * PHP, C #, VB, JS, DHTML, Delphi, Pyton, Perl, Tcl / Tk and a bunch of clever words - anyway, during the interview I will bend my fingers so that some specialist boy will be afraid to fart, not exactly ask me on these points.


    I know Oracle, okay? Everything else sucks! There are no transactions in MySQL, don’t tell me! Anyway, I will not answer Oracl, because I am the project manager, and not some DBA.

    Operating Systems:

    Windows and UNIX - I own equally. A deep understanding of the architecture and design of these systems, system and application levels.
    To be honest, I once saw an old Solaris from afar, but I have a friend, he works as a night admin in an Internet cafe and knows how to get a user into FreeBSD - if anything - he will help.
    I know that Windows has a NativeAPI.

    The rest is fashionable nonsense:

    I am fluent in systems of bug tracking, version control, automatic updates, work planning. I know Microsoft Project and ways to suppress the psyche of a novice developer using sadistic work schedules.
    I draw huge, frightening diagrams in Rational Rose, in which
    no one will understand anything anyway , but the customer will be impressed, and the programmers are confused and scared (which was required).
    The language is well-suspended, I know the names of all the classic books, I am ready to argue about abstractions at any time: OOP, design and architecture, relational databases.
    I know by heart how one pattern of a gang of four differs from another. I do not know the patterns themselves.

    Work experience (in direct order):

    1. Laboratory at the university

    A stump was bought at our department, and none of the humanities knew what to do with it. I typed the documents for the lecturers, launched the Lines graduate students, and the head of the department - solitaries. For this, they set off me, gave me a white coat and opened a work book so that my experience would go. The book still lies at the department, not one company takes it.

    2. Serious Institute

    After a year after graduating, I got a job as a programmer at the Institute. The real programmers were in the Soviet Union, they are all sixty years old, some of them work at Microsoft! All young programmers - that's not it!
    Programmers at the Institute smoked "Cosmos" and drew block diagrams, which they then gave to the drawing department, from where they went for approval in a complicated way.
    I ran for cigarettes and drawings for a year, and in my free time I read Straustrup. Then I did not know how programmers work in Kharkov.
    A year later, I left the Institute at the Bank. The institute was classified, therefore, what we wrote there - I still don’t know.

    3. Bank

    At the Bank, we wrote a huge distributed system on Oracle. The salary at the end of each month for some reason still knocked out on the old version of FoxPro.
    The head of the IT department of the Bank took orders on the Internet and gave them to young programmers to write. At the Bank, I learned to convincingly get away from work, earn left money, create the appearance of work, write in PHP and keep up a conversation about Oracle in the smoking room.
    I didn’t read the Straustrup anymore. In general,
    I didn’t read anything about programming .

    4. Very Large Kharkov Firm (OKHF)

    Before the crisis, I got to OKHF thanks to a serious resume (Institute, Bank) and knowledge of Oracle. At OKHF I went to seminars, presentations, parties and the dining room. Sometimes I was going to install Windows on my machine, but somehow everyone didn’t get their hands on it.
    At OKHF, we talked a lot about philosophy, enterprise technologies, programming languages, and relational databases. I learned a lot at OKHF, but the main thing that I got stuck in there was that I am a VERY COOL PROGRAMMER because I work at OKHF.
    I also learned the names of the mass of books, many of which are still not in Russian, but they were in the OKHF library. In any case, it was commonly believed.
    Then the crisis struck and I was kicked out along with the rest.

    5. Kharkov Small Outsourcing Firm (HMAF)

    It was hard to find a job during the crisis, but after the experience of OKHF show-offs, as well as due to solid experience, knowledge of banking and enterprise technologies and a cool resume, I got a relatively easy job at the KhMAF.
    For two and a half years of work there, the team completely changed four times, and the company name - three times. I led many projects, honing the ability to communicate with the customer and water programmers. In addition, I always knew the moment when the project began to sink, and knew how to push off responsibility to someone else in time.
    It seems that one project in the KhMAF was almost completed, but then it was accidentally lost during the repair of the office and the introduction of a new management system (RUP + extreme programming + something of its own).
    At the KhMAF, I reached an almost complete understanding of Ukrainian Software Development and how to succeed in it. However, I still had some illusions about the fact that, perhaps, somewhere someone is writing something real and working.
    Fortunately, these illusions dissipated after I was invited to work in:

    6. The Coolest Company (CCM)

    At CCM, I currently work as the head of the department. The huge projects that the CCM has been implementing since time immemorial never fail, because not one of them will ever end and will never work.
    As for medium-sized projects, they fail with high skill and profit, sometimes even a foolish customer remains convinced that he got what he wanted.
    I don’t give a damn about my current place of work, I don’t give a damn about programmers and customers, as you can see - I knew DAO IT manager.
    I will consider any proposal to change jobs if you offer a salary twice as high as mine now, and without hesitation I’ll give up this CCM. In addition, it already starts to smell fried due to the last two failed projects, for which I received bonuses and a loan for a car.

    Waiting for your suggestions, Lord!

    (the original is located at this link , but because of the terrible layout of the site, I posted a resume right here so that you do not have to break your eyes)

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