10 years in IT diagnosed with schizophrenia, survival tips
My diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia. I got sick a year after graduating from university. For 10 years I have been working in IT, now my position is a senior software engineer. I want to tell you what problems a person with a serious mental illness may face when building a career.
This is a practical article. In it, I will almost not touch on my symptoms and describe my experience. There are not a few such articles without me, and they are also on the hub. There is a whole publishing house that specializes in books on schizophrenic experiences.
1 out of 100 has schizophrenia. The average IQ of schizophrenic is 90, while in a normal person it is 100. This suggests that there are fewer smart people for engineering work among schizophrenics. People like John Nash or Bobby Fisher (although this is a moot point whether schizophrenia was present) are especially rare. In only 25-30% of cases, schizophrenia does not affect mental abilities. Mostly they come under attack. And not everyone will choose the profession of a programmer as their profession.
There are few programmers and schizophrenics. Throughout the reddit, after a long search, I counted about 15. There will be around 5 people throughout the Habré. In general, don’t be alarmed, I’m unlikely to work in your company. It is unlikely that you will ever meet real schizophrenics in the labor market of qualified programmers (except, of course, those cases when the diagnosis can definitely be made by resume).
There are very few of us, but we are. And schizophrenia is not a reason to give up life, sit on a disability and sit in four walls.
Of course, never, never, to anyone, and under no circumstances. I work in enterprise development for a foreign customer. Here people are afraid to let the juniors go to the rally with the customer, "what if he blurs something." And here is such a risk. If it pops up, it’s possible they’ll fire, business is business. Well, or they will not get fired if you are lucky and you work in a modern progressive company. But, for example, they will not be promoted. Or do not increase the salary.
We, generally speaking, are not very happy. According to a survey, 38% of the inhabitants of Russia with pleasure send me somewhere and isolate me. Anywhere, if only out of sight. In IT, however, the audience is much more progressive than the national average.
Frederick Frieze, PhD in Psychology with Schizophrenia, who recently passed away, advised:
I spent my third dozen jealously hating psychiatrists, refusing drugs, reading antipsychiatrics and stories about the Big Pharma Mafia. The result is three psychotic episodes, two hospitalizations. Each time, one way or another, I was forced to change jobs, I sent strange encrypted messages to friends during the episodes. A lot of people stopped talking to me after that. Nothing good. Medicines must be drunk.
Terry Davis immediately comes to mind. Of course, an intelligent and talented person who refused drugs and as a result spent his whole life on classes of a dubious nature. So that he can do, do he drink medicine? It is unlikely that he would become famous, but he would still be alive and worked as a programmer somewhere. Another example, of course, is John Nash, who never drank any medicine. Schizophrenia has receded, as often happens with age. But do not forget that before this, John Nash had been talking with aliens for 20 years. And only by a miracle did not find himself on the street. Few can afford such a luxury.
In the fourth ten, I want peace and a stable life. The main side effects of second-generation antipsychotic drugs were hormonal disorders, problems with the cardiovascular system, excessive sedation and weight gain. There are already drugs on the market that do not press on the heart, do not cause strong weight gain and hormonal disorders. True, alas, they are not suitable for everyone. It’s worth a try.
But there are other side effects. For example, the medicine I am taking has destroyed my insights, a-ha moments. I still understand different things, but the understanding passes quietly and peacefully, without insights. I miss them. In general, medicines will surely make life less interesting, vibrant and eventful. But much more predictable and stable, generally bearable.
To select a drug and prescription, you need a psychiatrist. Most likely not one. A psychiatrist imposed by the state is roughly equivalent in quality to a state attorney. Here's what I heard from state psychiatrists:
But a private specialist will be treated at best, based on statistics and averages. No trial and error will not do. In the event of a worse, a doctor who is greedy for advertising will come across, but again he will prescribe new fashionable drugs - not so bad, the drugs are really getting better and better. In the worst case, they will be treated based on "experience." As practice shows, the presence of experience is rather a negative phenomenon.
For example, the doctor refused to change the drug, because she had a patient who had an exacerbation on the drug. My arguments were many. schizophrenia occurs in all different ways. The world is full of people on this drug without exacerbations. Exacerbations sometimes occur on stronger drugs. It is not a fact that this patient used the drug correctly and on time. They all crashed against the wall.
When you hire a psychiatrist, he should act in your best interests. Your interests are not only to reduce the risk of the disease, but also to minimize side effects, and return to full-fledged work. If the hired doctor does not act in your interests, you should leave him without any regrets.
Exacerbations happen. The drug is zealously taken day by day, and still aggravation. The most commonly used technique for exacerbations is to raise the dose of medicine and observe. You may have to do this yourself. Perhaps with a trusted doctor. Well, if the dose increase did not help, then the exacerbation should be stopped with more serious medications. There are long-acting drugs on the market, the application allows you to stop the most severe attacks. The main thing is to react in time.
An exacerbation is fraught with getting to the hospital. Everyone is afraid of it. They get to a psychiatric hospital for a long time, at least three weeks. The hospital resembles a prison. As for the staff: orderlies, nurses and doctors - these, of course, are not monsters and not sadists. But these are embittered people. Tired, burned out, cynical and indifferent. Which are paid very little for very stressful work. It is also scary that for a sick leave with a stamp of an institution, they can be fired from work in the lungs. Here you need to get out. Perhaps the sick leave should not be taken from there at all, but to look somewhere on the side.
Sometimes an exacerbation is first noticed by the patient himself. Sometimes close people. Therefore, it’s good to live with someone. In one study, it is this fact that increases the risk of recovery. I see nothing wrong with meeting parents for a while. This will reduce the likelihood of a successful personal life, but honestly, a successful personal life with such a diagnosis does not really shine. Women, however, are better. Of course, the spouse will play the same role. Or a therapist. In general, someone should be.
Aggravations are a slippery topic. Better, of course, not to allow. Without tablets, the probability of exacerbation is about 80% per year. In any case, you must be prepared to pack your bags and look for a new job. It is possible that in another city.
A few years ago, cognitive-behavioral therapy was considered the standard of treatment. In the recommendations, they wrote that medications are mandatory, but without psychotherapy, in addition, it's straight nowhere. Now the mood has changed and they are looking askance at psychotherapy. I went to cognitive-behavioral therapy. There was little sense. I can’t say that they directly “pumped out money”, there sat a man who listened to me and offered me something. But it did not work out in general, the therapist and I did not agree with the characters.
However, I find psychotherapy useful. Once the crisis has passed, there remains a huge amount of fear. And how will I continue to live? Can I handle it? What if there’s another aggravation? But my hole formed in the resume, what can I say at the interview? Behind these fears are real problems. They can be worked out with a therapist, just don’t have to look for causes in childhood injuries, or use NLP technologies, you just need a competent emotionally uninvolved interlocutor. Before going to the therapist, you must first clearly articulate all your problems. Time there is an expensive resource. You need to choose a psychotherapist smarter, you should not focus on specific schools and methods, but of course the psychoanalyst and NLPist are unlikely to work here.
Psychotherapy is often portrayed as a magical place where miracles work. Rather, it is an optional supplement to improve the quality of life. It’s worth going when the condition has stabilized and there is money that is not so pitiful.
Another tricky question. 80-90% of schizophrenics smoke. Allen Carr in his book states that cigarettes create anxiety and interfere with concentration. Research, I’m only talking about research on schizophrenics, shows that cigarettes can cope with anxiety and improve concentration. Cigarettes help with schizophrenia.
On the other hand, the harm from smoking is well known to everyone. If possible, if finances allow, it is worth giving up cigarettes and switching to other methods for obtaining nicotine, whether it is a patch, chewing gum or vape. Absolutely refuse it - well, I don’t know.
In psychology, for some reason, avoidance is considered to be a bad, nasty adaptation strategy. Probably, when avoidance reaches the size of agoraphobia, this is something bad. For example, I am very easily overexcited and painfully react to stress. I don’t see anything wrong with avoiding.
For example, I go to stores only in the dark. There is a huge list of people with whom I prefer not to intersect. One schizophrenic friend of mine, turns off the color on the computer, and works behind a black-and-white screen, avoiding unnecessary stimulation.
Most of the nights I study technology. Partly because of my fears of losing my job and staying not my lot. But largely because I do not know what to do in the evening. So I avoid a full, fulfilling life.
I try in every way to refrain from business trips, I am very anxious when traveling. But in the end, I feel good, and I have no desire to somehow change in these areas of life.
Schizophrenia makes you moderate your ambitions. If earlier I was chasing money and interesting projects, now I choose a quiet and calm corporate unfinished building. In this you learn to find your charms. You see how the system has been developing over the years, what this or that design solution has led to. You have the opportunity to take on a large piece of functionality and gradually grow it and develop it. In general, programming shifts from dragon killing mode to something like gardening.
I have a very vulnerable and vulnerable character. Any conflict of interest is alarming. Mostly on the project I am “Yes man”, I can take courage and object, but I easily give up and accept the point of view of the authorities. In general, not a fighter. Before my illness, I disdained such people.
It’s very hard for me to refuse a person for a code review, I’ll rather be careful in asking if you really wanted this, or maybe you had something else in mind. It hurts me when I click on the “Needs work” button. I understand that it is unlikely that a person will be mortally offended and will take revenge. But I will still be nervous.
I am not self-confident. I always consult with either stack overflow or the team. I am afraid to drag out the terms and outrage the bosses. This is often the cause of overtime. This is "what if they say?" Overtime in the evenings and on weekends I agree easily. Work calms me. I digress from my sad thoughts and problems.
The hardest thing for me before the releases is when something is broken and needs to be fixed. When several people are constantly chatting and waiting for action from me. I quickly overload and get very nervous. I run away from the computer, smoke until I calm down, come back.
There is a lot of fear-driven development in my work. Being tolerant to people has become much more important than being right and right. I do everything quite differently than experienced professionals advise.
I am a bad programmer, I got used to it for a long time. Nevertheless, their own calm and comfort in the end defeat the desire to be a tough guy and do everything right.
Schizophrenia is not only its own tragedy. Willy-nilly you plunge into the whole sea of another's grief. The pains are completely meaningless, random, and completely undeserved. Sadness and even sometimes suicidal thoughts are normal. This also must be calm.
List of books that helped me recover:
The author thanks the community / r / schizophrenia for the warmth and support that he received in the most difficult moments.
This is a practical article. In it, I will almost not touch on my symptoms and describe my experience. There are not a few such articles without me, and they are also on the hub. There is a whole publishing house that specializes in books on schizophrenic experiences.
Demography
1 out of 100 has schizophrenia. The average IQ of schizophrenic is 90, while in a normal person it is 100. This suggests that there are fewer smart people for engineering work among schizophrenics. People like John Nash or Bobby Fisher (although this is a moot point whether schizophrenia was present) are especially rare. In only 25-30% of cases, schizophrenia does not affect mental abilities. Mostly they come under attack. And not everyone will choose the profession of a programmer as their profession.
There are few programmers and schizophrenics. Throughout the reddit, after a long search, I counted about 15. There will be around 5 people throughout the Habré. In general, don’t be alarmed, I’m unlikely to work in your company. It is unlikely that you will ever meet real schizophrenics in the labor market of qualified programmers (except, of course, those cases when the diagnosis can definitely be made by resume).
There are very few of us, but we are. And schizophrenia is not a reason to give up life, sit on a disability and sit in four walls.
Whether to talk about the diagnosis
Of course, never, never, to anyone, and under no circumstances. I work in enterprise development for a foreign customer. Here people are afraid to let the juniors go to the rally with the customer, "what if he blurs something." And here is such a risk. If it pops up, it’s possible they’ll fire, business is business. Well, or they will not get fired if you are lucky and you work in a modern progressive company. But, for example, they will not be promoted. Or do not increase the salary.
We, generally speaking, are not very happy. According to a survey, 38% of the inhabitants of Russia with pleasure send me somewhere and isolate me. Anywhere, if only out of sight. In IT, however, the audience is much more progressive than the national average.
Frederick Frieze, PhD in Psychology with Schizophrenia, who recently passed away, advised:
“You can talk openly about your diagnosis either if you have tenure, like Allyn Sachs, or if you are going to retire”I would add that if the atmosphere is more or less favorable, and you are a woman, then perhaps they will treat you simply as a person with a chronic disease. I would not advise a man to take risks.
Drug Selection and Side Effects
I spent my third dozen jealously hating psychiatrists, refusing drugs, reading antipsychiatrics and stories about the Big Pharma Mafia. The result is three psychotic episodes, two hospitalizations. Each time, one way or another, I was forced to change jobs, I sent strange encrypted messages to friends during the episodes. A lot of people stopped talking to me after that. Nothing good. Medicines must be drunk.
Terry Davis immediately comes to mind. Of course, an intelligent and talented person who refused drugs and as a result spent his whole life on classes of a dubious nature. So that he can do, do he drink medicine? It is unlikely that he would become famous, but he would still be alive and worked as a programmer somewhere. Another example, of course, is John Nash, who never drank any medicine. Schizophrenia has receded, as often happens with age. But do not forget that before this, John Nash had been talking with aliens for 20 years. And only by a miracle did not find himself on the street. Few can afford such a luxury.
In the fourth ten, I want peace and a stable life. The main side effects of second-generation antipsychotic drugs were hormonal disorders, problems with the cardiovascular system, excessive sedation and weight gain. There are already drugs on the market that do not press on the heart, do not cause strong weight gain and hormonal disorders. True, alas, they are not suitable for everyone. It’s worth a try.
But there are other side effects. For example, the medicine I am taking has destroyed my insights, a-ha moments. I still understand different things, but the understanding passes quietly and peacefully, without insights. I miss them. In general, medicines will surely make life less interesting, vibrant and eventful. But much more predictable and stable, generally bearable.
Choosing a psychiatrist
To select a drug and prescription, you need a psychiatrist. Most likely not one. A psychiatrist imposed by the state is roughly equivalent in quality to a state attorney. Here's what I heard from state psychiatrists:
“Is it hard for you to work? So choose either medicine or work ”
“Are you gaining weight?” So it’s good! ”
“Why do you need these new antipsychotics? Take haloperidol! They are all the same, only money is being pulled out of you ” (Haloperidol is an old drug with very bad side effects: double vision, muscle cramps, long-term use leads to incurable neurological consequences. In 2013, an article was published that this drug is neurotoxic)District psychiatrists, of course, do their job. They help patients get some kind of medicine. They help to make disability. They make sure that their wards are not on the street. But if you want something more, then you should contact a private specialist.
But a private specialist will be treated at best, based on statistics and averages. No trial and error will not do. In the event of a worse, a doctor who is greedy for advertising will come across, but again he will prescribe new fashionable drugs - not so bad, the drugs are really getting better and better. In the worst case, they will be treated based on "experience." As practice shows, the presence of experience is rather a negative phenomenon.
For example, the doctor refused to change the drug, because she had a patient who had an exacerbation on the drug. My arguments were many. schizophrenia occurs in all different ways. The world is full of people on this drug without exacerbations. Exacerbations sometimes occur on stronger drugs. It is not a fact that this patient used the drug correctly and on time. They all crashed against the wall.
When you hire a psychiatrist, he should act in your best interests. Your interests are not only to reduce the risk of the disease, but also to minimize side effects, and return to full-fledged work. If the hired doctor does not act in your interests, you should leave him without any regrets.
Exacerbations and hospitals
Exacerbations happen. The drug is zealously taken day by day, and still aggravation. The most commonly used technique for exacerbations is to raise the dose of medicine and observe. You may have to do this yourself. Perhaps with a trusted doctor. Well, if the dose increase did not help, then the exacerbation should be stopped with more serious medications. There are long-acting drugs on the market, the application allows you to stop the most severe attacks. The main thing is to react in time.
An exacerbation is fraught with getting to the hospital. Everyone is afraid of it. They get to a psychiatric hospital for a long time, at least three weeks. The hospital resembles a prison. As for the staff: orderlies, nurses and doctors - these, of course, are not monsters and not sadists. But these are embittered people. Tired, burned out, cynical and indifferent. Which are paid very little for very stressful work. It is also scary that for a sick leave with a stamp of an institution, they can be fired from work in the lungs. Here you need to get out. Perhaps the sick leave should not be taken from there at all, but to look somewhere on the side.
Sometimes an exacerbation is first noticed by the patient himself. Sometimes close people. Therefore, it’s good to live with someone. In one study, it is this fact that increases the risk of recovery. I see nothing wrong with meeting parents for a while. This will reduce the likelihood of a successful personal life, but honestly, a successful personal life with such a diagnosis does not really shine. Women, however, are better. Of course, the spouse will play the same role. Or a therapist. In general, someone should be.
Aggravations are a slippery topic. Better, of course, not to allow. Without tablets, the probability of exacerbation is about 80% per year. In any case, you must be prepared to pack your bags and look for a new job. It is possible that in another city.
Psychotherapy
A few years ago, cognitive-behavioral therapy was considered the standard of treatment. In the recommendations, they wrote that medications are mandatory, but without psychotherapy, in addition, it's straight nowhere. Now the mood has changed and they are looking askance at psychotherapy. I went to cognitive-behavioral therapy. There was little sense. I can’t say that they directly “pumped out money”, there sat a man who listened to me and offered me something. But it did not work out in general, the therapist and I did not agree with the characters.
However, I find psychotherapy useful. Once the crisis has passed, there remains a huge amount of fear. And how will I continue to live? Can I handle it? What if there’s another aggravation? But my hole formed in the resume, what can I say at the interview? Behind these fears are real problems. They can be worked out with a therapist, just don’t have to look for causes in childhood injuries, or use NLP technologies, you just need a competent emotionally uninvolved interlocutor. Before going to the therapist, you must first clearly articulate all your problems. Time there is an expensive resource. You need to choose a psychotherapist smarter, you should not focus on specific schools and methods, but of course the psychoanalyst and NLPist are unlikely to work here.
Psychotherapy is often portrayed as a magical place where miracles work. Rather, it is an optional supplement to improve the quality of life. It’s worth going when the condition has stabilized and there is money that is not so pitiful.
Cigarettes
Another tricky question. 80-90% of schizophrenics smoke. Allen Carr in his book states that cigarettes create anxiety and interfere with concentration. Research, I’m only talking about research on schizophrenics, shows that cigarettes can cope with anxiety and improve concentration. Cigarettes help with schizophrenia.
On the other hand, the harm from smoking is well known to everyone. If possible, if finances allow, it is worth giving up cigarettes and switching to other methods for obtaining nicotine, whether it is a patch, chewing gum or vape. Absolutely refuse it - well, I don’t know.
Avoidance
In psychology, for some reason, avoidance is considered to be a bad, nasty adaptation strategy. Probably, when avoidance reaches the size of agoraphobia, this is something bad. For example, I am very easily overexcited and painfully react to stress. I don’t see anything wrong with avoiding.
For example, I go to stores only in the dark. There is a huge list of people with whom I prefer not to intersect. One schizophrenic friend of mine, turns off the color on the computer, and works behind a black-and-white screen, avoiding unnecessary stimulation.
Most of the nights I study technology. Partly because of my fears of losing my job and staying not my lot. But largely because I do not know what to do in the evening. So I avoid a full, fulfilling life.
I try in every way to refrain from business trips, I am very anxious when traveling. But in the end, I feel good, and I have no desire to somehow change in these areas of life.
Being a bad programmer
Schizophrenia makes you moderate your ambitions. If earlier I was chasing money and interesting projects, now I choose a quiet and calm corporate unfinished building. In this you learn to find your charms. You see how the system has been developing over the years, what this or that design solution has led to. You have the opportunity to take on a large piece of functionality and gradually grow it and develop it. In general, programming shifts from dragon killing mode to something like gardening.
I have a very vulnerable and vulnerable character. Any conflict of interest is alarming. Mostly on the project I am “Yes man”, I can take courage and object, but I easily give up and accept the point of view of the authorities. In general, not a fighter. Before my illness, I disdained such people.
It’s very hard for me to refuse a person for a code review, I’ll rather be careful in asking if you really wanted this, or maybe you had something else in mind. It hurts me when I click on the “Needs work” button. I understand that it is unlikely that a person will be mortally offended and will take revenge. But I will still be nervous.
I am not self-confident. I always consult with either stack overflow or the team. I am afraid to drag out the terms and outrage the bosses. This is often the cause of overtime. This is "what if they say?" Overtime in the evenings and on weekends I agree easily. Work calms me. I digress from my sad thoughts and problems.
The hardest thing for me before the releases is when something is broken and needs to be fixed. When several people are constantly chatting and waiting for action from me. I quickly overload and get very nervous. I run away from the computer, smoke until I calm down, come back.
There is a lot of fear-driven development in my work. Being tolerant to people has become much more important than being right and right. I do everything quite differently than experienced professionals advise.
I am a bad programmer, I got used to it for a long time. Nevertheless, their own calm and comfort in the end defeat the desire to be a tough guy and do everything right.
To be sad
Schizophrenia is not only its own tragedy. Willy-nilly you plunge into the whole sea of another's grief. The pains are completely meaningless, random, and completely undeserved. Sadness and even sometimes suicidal thoughts are normal. This also must be calm.
Resources
List of books that helped me recover:
- Elyn Saks. The center cannot hold
- Milt Greek. Schizophrenia: A Blueprint for recovery
- Kurt Snyder. Me, myself and them
- Ann Olson. Illuminating schizophrenia
The author thanks the community / r / schizophrenia for the warmth and support that he received in the most difficult moments.