Subjectivity
I feel, I want, I think, I do, I got ...
In many languages of the world the word “I” contains few letters, and this indicates its importance - the more often the word is used, the shorter it becomes.
The often repeated “I” becomes habitual, ceases to be noticed and even voiced. For problems with obtaining results, pay attention to the second half of the phrase “I do” and try to improve the action.
But the formula “I do” consists of two terms, so I suggest nevertheless to take a closer look at where all the action begins:
I will touch upon abstraction, selfishness, affection and support.
What is the self? In our age of accessible Internet, you can easily read serious literature and learn, for example, that Kant separates the empirically individual “I” from the pure. Jung defines "self" as one of the archetypes in the composition of the "ego". Freud’s “ego” is a little different, and “self” comes from “it”. I walked along this road, and my main conclusion is that the more you know, the more different versions you have to consider. And soon you begin to forget what exactly I wanted to find.
Not only am I trying to understand the “I”, many are curious about us. To search for “ourselves,” we go from different angles, add and filter manifestations, draw diagrams, collect statistics and redo everything again, because different researchers get results that cannot be coordinated. From hopelessness, we sneak a peek at religion, pepper philosophy, sift through a scientific sieve of neurobiology, dilute it with psychology, sigh sadly and switch to other interesting topics. And what were you looking for?
“I” is what I realize as “myself.” Awareness is the result of the work of consciousness. Consciousness is ... On Habré there are many articles about the nature of consciousnessbut they offer very different points of view. I repent, I have not read all the existing articles and books. And I will never read everything, because they write on a popular topic faster than I can read.
Excess materials are generated by the uncertainty of the term “consciousness”. I have something and I don’t understand what exactly, please tell me how this something works, I don’t know what, more precisely ... The terms of reference are not so good, so draw some design options for the customer to choose .
It does not help citing dictionaries with dozens of definitions that are not compatible with each other. I will postpone the difficult problem of consciousness for later, I will try to explain the “I” somehow differently.
Word labels are overrated, they look like solutions, but they only point to points of view that are always slightly different for different people. Now we are not talking about names, so I will mix all kinds of “ego” and “self” in one heap.
What do I mean by “I” in the phrase “I mean”?
I’ll get around the tough question from the flank. What is a brush? If you look into the dictionary, we will see there something like “a tool for painting and painting”. And then there are the features - what varieties can be made from. The dictionary defines objects using methods and other properties.
Can I use a fork or comb as a brush? It is unlikely that the teeth are harsh, and they are rare, you can’t take a lot of paint. Can a toothbrush be used as a brush? It can, it turns out, I checked in childhood. We recognize the brush if it is home-made from a bunch of grass and a clumsy stick.
We define objects and phenomena by the opportunities or obstacles that they provide. We define abstractions with a multitude of qualities, and then label them with a label (voiceover: determination is fixed by a nomination in the form of a term).
If you look closely, then in the surrounding world there is not a single brush. As there are no other abstractions and names with which the brain operates (there is no “spoon”).
Set aside the brush. What is a person? A two-legged creature without feathers with flat and wide nails, an upright mammal, living, a subject capable of thinking, moralizing, feeling, a member of society - dictionaries will readily give us a bunch of properties. Great, this will help answer the next question.
What is me A person has just been identified, it remains to add a long series of qualities that I differ from other people. Any abstraction is determined by the allocation of properties (and methods). The name does not define abstraction, but only marks for future use.
Let's return to the first question - what is the “I”? Erroneous answers come down to the names: the soul, the psychological complex of consciousness with the subconscious, the archetype of the self, one of the programs that are executed in the brain, or one of the abstractions that the brain operates with ... You cannot explain the term with another term (bad practice).
Calling “I” an abstraction, I just attribute “I” to the category of abstractions. From the abstract it follows, by the way, that the “I” does not exist in reality, therefore, for example, the problem of transferring a specific “I” to another medium after death or as a result of teleportation, loses its meaning, but this is not about that now.
Calling the “I” an abstraction, I describe only some of the properties of the “I” inherent in other abstractions. The complete answer to the question “I” should be a set of properties and uses that will help to distinguish the class “I” from other abstractions, and then also give uniqueness to my “I”.
What properties does the “I” have, in which situations do we use “ourselves”?
I have a universal category for “desires”, “emotions”, “consciousness” and much more - this is an evolutionary endorsed tool that benefits. Perhaps I have developed a too optimistic approach, but for me everything in the field of vision is of some use, including problems and errors.
I like to think that “I” is another tool of the mind. One of the important, because it is necessary for solving any problems. To better understand the tool, I suggest looking for benefits from it. If the benefits are not obvious, then try to do without this tool and look at the result.
When meeting with any task, you need to find someone who will solve it. If the “I” is not at hand, then there is a desire to use the one who is better seen and heard, whose existence is felt better - those around.
The environment is not always available, so there is a dependence on their availability. To confirm contact and control, I want to constantly ping used by insignificant questions and small requests: where are you, what are you doing, whether you have done, give, bring, wake up ...
Lack of your own “I” is manifested by an increased interest in other people's affairs and conversations - who called what said, when will you arrive?
To feel gratitude, one needs to feel. If “it” is difficult to discern in a picture of the world, then thanks are extremely rare or feigned.
Claims are made with accusations - they are easy to bring to the outside world, they are designed to redirect outward what cannot be worked out inside. Others are required to do what cannot be demanded of themselves (double standards).
The inability to control others is manifested by increased anxiety. In the absence of others, it will remain to go to distracting or drowning entertainments to relieve tension: alcohol, snacks, series, pictures ... Plus games and social networks that give a substitute for control over the environment.
Not having confidence in his existence, he sees his desires poorly, therefore he is inclined to postpone promising cases that do not give benefits right now. Procrastinate until fear kick makes you work.
But the desires of the animal level are fulfilled instantly, without taking into account the interests of others and predicting their losses: to demand, to seize, to flee.
The appeals to the bearer of this imperceptible “I” are ignored: stop, promise, do. The words turned to the “one” whom I do not have passed by. I notice a request or demand only if they are accompanied by a threat or promise of a gingerbread.
Reminds behavior of young children.
Immature children and infantile adults are selfish. Even when infantility is hidden under the guise of an energetic business man.
They do not like to help if it does not bring them quick and clear benefits. They are offended when they are denied their requests. They become sad for a long time at the sight of problems that there is no one to delegate.
They stand across the sidewalks and park in the wrong places, not noticing that they create difficulties for others. They interrupt other people's conversations, starting to ask about something of their own. They make noise when they want, and litter where they want. But they are furious when they see the slightest hint of infringement of their rights or a threat to their property.
They are happy to discuss acquaintances over their eyes and spread dirty gossip. But even a slight irony cannot be expressed when they tell about their achievements - this is the simplest way to become their enemy.
Under selfishness means the pursuit of personal goals, ignoring the needs of others. It is generally accepted that the egoist has a swollen, hypertrophied ego.
I believe that the picture of selfishness hangs upside down. Egoists are people with an undeveloped, weak ego, they do not feel themselves, and that is why they are forced to influence the world through other people.
Imagine a commander in an open field without an army. There are enemies around, but there is no army, how can we fight? Remains intrigues, bribes, bluffs - attempts to negotiate or somehow subjugate the generals of other armies. To avoid defeat.
Extreme cases of egoism are called narcissism, but the egoist only seems narcissistic. The one who really experiences a feeling of love does not need to constantly seek confirmation of this feeling, to beg for love. Frequent narcissism indicates a lack of love. And the daffodil cannot accept love, because there is no “him” who can accept.
The egoist is also not capable of loving others. It can only be dependent on those who are convenient to use. If a person does not have an “I”, then he perceives others not as other “I”. Other people for him are nothing more than tools to achieve their goals. Moody and unpredictable, so they need to be controlled and educated.
The egoist ignores the interests of others, but not because he defends his own. Of his interests, he defends only the simplest, momentary, acts stereotyped and loses at long distances. The egoist does not understand, does not feel, does not predict people, because in his mechanism for modeling reality, the concept of “man” is not developed.
The egoist feels that he is missing something. Therefore, he clings to his achievements in this way, whether it is a position in society or a collection of prizes. Like an invisible man who cannot see himself, the egoist tries to make himself out even in his tracks. And fiercely upholds the little that was found.
The egoist constantly compares himself with others and insistently asks for a good assessment of himself. The non-existent “he” cannot independently influence this assessment, therefore he is weighted with status items and regalia. And he hopes that the rating will be good. Hopes pave the way for anxiety, resentment, disappointment.
Psychologists will not let you lie, egoists are unhappy , vulnerable people.
The habit of gossiping, scolding politicians, thieves and other enemies, following the life of “stars”, a tendency to generalize and simplify, a thirst to correct or save others, ignoring other people's interests, manipulation skills, the need for a shepherd, a constant swing between the lazy “I don't want to” and terrible “need”, the desire to receive and give marks, the painful unwillingness to get rid of unnecessary things ...
Egoism is considered a vice. The suffix “ism” is ambiguous, it can denote an action, practice, condition, principle, characteristic or doctrine. The ideological flow, the direction of thought, the nature of the action, evaluation - “isms” are different.
Egoism - emphasis on “ego” is considered a vice. Despite the fact that the “ego” is one of the main tools of life. The invertedness of the term makes it difficult to understand the nature of the phenomenon - a vice is the lack of an important tool.
In addition to the well-known signs of pronounced egoism, a lack of self can manifest itself in how a person uses pronouns in speech.
In the spiritual practice of Buddhism, a frequent use of the pronoun “I” is considered a marker of immaturity. They recommend focusing less on oneself in order to pay more attention to the surrounding reality. Say, then there will be a connection with some other, real "I".
For the egoist, this advice may be useful - starting to study others, the egoist develops the abstraction "man", which he will begin to apply to himself. Freed from endless attempts to succeed in evaluations, the egoist will free up strength for real accomplishments. The “less me-kat” council has taken root, has proved its loyalty in practice, but it is far from suitable for everyone.
Watching others is useful, yes, but a complete rejection of the self is fraught with the abandonment of their needs. Asceticism is hard and not joyful work, for which there must be some great and definite goal. For non-ascetics in everyday life, it is useful to notice, study and exercise the “I” so that attention ceases to cling to its lack.
If there is a ready-made subject at hand for any action, then the work of finding and attracting third-party subjects is no longer necessary. When I have a “me”, there is no stupor when meeting with problems - they turn into tasks, because there is someone to solve them.
In the advice to writers (King, Zinser) you can find the opposite marker of a weak “I” - an abundance of passive voice in the text. Serves as a sign of uncertainty of the author in the expressed thought. If the action is found and designated by the subject, the phrase becomes stronger. There is a significant difference between “I would like” and “I want”.
If in a conversation I talk too much about myself, then this is a sign of a lack of “I”. If everything happens in my speech and is, as it were, on its own, then this is also a sign of a lack of “I”. A healthy “I” does not live on the pole, but somewhere between the extremes.
Neither I nor those reading these lines are selfish, no. We are all somewhere between two extremes. But if there is a suspicion that the balance is not optimal, then you can look for ways to improve the situation.
Tattoos, piercings, attempts to stand out with unusual clothes or hair color, a passion for selfies, fixation in appearance, whether it is pride or dissatisfaction - a persistent search for your own tracks in the world may indicate a lack of feeling in this world.
Diligent fashion tracking, blind faith in authorities, the need for a pack of like-minded people are signs of an insufficiently independent self.
Vulnerability to other people's suspicions, accusations, reproaches, insults and flattery are signs of an unsure self.
A serious marker is the subsidence of the “I” to zero in explosions of strong emotions. If a person, carried away by a stream of unpleasant experiences, begins to think and talk exclusively about what is happening in the world around him, then it can be assumed that his “ego” was hidden somewhere.
Strong magic to quench fear, resentment and rage can be found in the word “you” - what are you doing in this situation? Distract from inaction, actions and qualities of others, it’s not in your head that they make decisions and experience emotions. Where is the versatile “you” in this situation with all your achievements, plans and dreams? If you are talking about a situation, then tell about you in this situation.
Yes, we have nothing to do with many unpleasant situations and therefore cannot change anything. But emotions- This is an evolutionarily created mechanism for influencing behavior. If there were no actions and is not expected, and emotions are raging, then we can assume some kind of incorrectness, something fell out of consideration. If emotion is a signal, then we need someone who receives the signal.
Teachers offer to calm the capricious child to indicate the existence of the child by touch and eye contact, and then call the child what he feels, you can assume that you are tired, you feel bad, you are sad because of that. As soon as the child understands that what is happening is with him, and not somewhere in an unknown place, the child will begin to calm down. The magic of “you” also works on adults.
Also a marker of a weak self is a lack of pleasant emotions. So that the “inner child” does not feel deprived and does not interfere with the “inner adult” to work, psychotherapists advise regularly pamper yourself - aimlessly buy tasty and beautiful things, allow walking, playing, doing things that an adult seems to be unnecessary nonsense.
If I don’t spoil myself with gifts, if I don’t know how to take care of myself, then this can be only one explanation - my attention does not notice the one who can give gifts, who to take care of.
If my purchases, walks, games or social networks take a lot of time without bringing a sense of satisfaction and saturation, then this can only be one explanation - there is not enough who should accept gifts, be happy and have fun.
If the “I” dissolves during an attack of emotions, if the gifts “to oneself” do not please anyone, then something needs to be done and this can be done. Not to choose the most difficult path, but also not to choose inaction.
Infantilism and selfishness often go hand in hand, because they have a common reason from a childhood.
The “I” is formed for a long time, for many years. The feeling of having “yourself” is not something quickly determined with the help of a dictionary, but a set of qualities, for each of which confidence must be created.
A child is born with simple reflexes and begins to know the world around him. He sees objects and phenomena, but does not see himself. Then he begins to distinguish between people and animals that can behave unpredictably. Then, with the help of the reactions of others and words, he discovers himself and attributes himself to these which are unpredictable. And then it begins to separate itself from them, finally forming its personal “I”.
As long as we are talking about simple actions, there is no problem - you can go, take, eat. At the start, you don’t need some special “I”, enough reflexes or emotions. The self tool will be needed later, when it comes to the desires of the inner adult, who will begin to predict events, build opportunities and choose solutions - when you need to build someone into the plans.
The child does not see himself from the side, but he can observe other people and copy, adopt their characteristics.
To begin with, you should choose those who should borrow. Who is nearby cares about me, whom it is comfortable to observe, whom I categorized as “good” —that I will choose, I will begin to study and copy. To become “good.”
People and their actions are very different, it’s difficult to choose, so the child will try not to lose what he has chosen, he will become attached to someone.
Attachment is a side effect or tool for survival and development, but the term “ attachment mechanism ” is common and understood by many, so I will continue to use it as a synonym for “mechanism of formation of the self”.
The copying mechanism is like an invisible shelf on which statuettes are placed. The shelf of the child is not so big, only a few role models will fit. Therefore, it is good if they are fully-formed adults. Moreover, they are different so that the child can learn patterns of behavior in various situations and learn to predict the behavior of different people based on the small number of available samples, standards, models.
The child will need contacts with each person whose image fell on the shelf. Because he established himself with a good attitude and was partially studied. Losing relationships with such people is difficult, especially if there are few other worthy examples on the shelf. Attachment may be accompanied by addiction.
If an egoist is on the shelf, then his behavior will be copied. If a person was not an egoist, but behaved like an egoist towards a child, then the child will become an egoist, having copied all the weaknesses and bad tactics of an adult.
If parents and other adults scare away from themselves, then statuettes of accessible peers will stand on the shelf, which, at least conditionally, can be called friends. It is unlikely that something good will come of this, but the attachment mechanism requires samples.
If there were no soul mates among peers, then clumsy surrogates, pieces of template behavior in individual situations, broken off from somewhere and roughly stuck together with each other, will appear on the shelf.
My version with a shelf and figurines is a simplification. Development psychologist Gordon Newfeld uses the expression “attachment village”, distinguishes between six levels, notices polarization, and draws interesting conclusions. I recommend his book “Do not miss your children” for those who want to become adults. And I will return to the simplified version to proceed to practice.
Suppose that the parents got average, far from ideal. And a couple of immature peers made their way to the shelf of samples. The rest of the place is crammed with pieces of figurines handpicked on TV and magazines.
If the patterns are scarce, then the subconscious mind will not be able to quickly choose behavior in a significant part of life situations. A person cannot rely on himself, cannot independently satisfy all his needs and therefore depends on others.
The actions of an unformed person will pursue selfish goals. In difficult situations, he will behave childishly. Extreme cases of the manifestation of the unformed self in psychology are indicated by the term “narcissism” and relate to one of the sides of the “ dark triad ”.
Can this be fixed? Some psychologists say that it is impossible. They say that attachments are formed in childhood, and if the train left, then everything, there will be no second.
However, the lack of success in the first attempts does not say anything about the fundamental impossibility of the existence of working correction methods. The lack of success in therapy can only speak of the fact that it has not yet been possible to choose a technique, you can continue the search.
I agree with the impossibility of correcting an inveterate egoist, but only for extreme cases in which therapy does not work, because the egoist will not engage in therapy or the development of one who does not exist. If “I” is some kind of abstraction, they say, but which is not felt, then there is no point in straining.
Moreover, the egoist can be horrified even by the slight assumption that something is wrong with him, that something needs to be fixed. In the best case, he won’t be interested or believe, in the worst case he will begin to sabotage or preemptively attack.
But neither I nor the reader of these lines refers to clinical cases, extreme manifestations, right? Therefore, we can admit the possibility of enhancing the sensation of our existence. To facilitate the appearance of all “I do” ( agency ).
I like the heretical idea that “selfless” or “altruist” are not antonyms for the word “egoist”. Yes, the manifestations of “all for oneself” and “all for others” lie at the opposite ends of the scale, but the consequences are opposite, not the causes.
If we take the analogy with blood pressure, then high and low blood pressure when they are excessive indicate the presence of a disease, the opposite of which is health. Extremes indicate a problem. The opposite of low pressure is not high, but healthy.
Both the weakening and strengthening of the “I” do not lead to altruism at all. The stronger the “I”, the less energy goes into the search for “self”, the more forces remain for real accomplishments. The healthy opposite of extreme manifestations of both selfishness and altruism is the creator.
The tendency of adults to create idols for themselves indicates that the attachment mechanism does not turn off with age. The activity of the mechanism indicates the possibility of using it.
As a person develops, the shelf with samples grows, containing at first one person, then several, then a dozen. The shelf becomes wider, a free space appears on it, which also wants to take something.
Even in old age, we can learn to sculpt and gradually replace garbage on the shelf with decent figurines. But this is not the easiest way, fraught with errors. There are too many brilliant, but empty or one-sidedly developed people among applicants for the role of the model.
Finding decent samples is useful, but much more important is learning to detach from people, no matter how attractive they may seem. Do not start looking for flaws, but stop looking for exclusively positive traits. This will be enough to eliminate the harmful effects of poor-quality examples.
If he is a poet, then do not consider him a specialist in government. If he is a successful politician, then do not consider him a scientist. If he is a mathematician, then do not consider him a wise teacher. Let the idol make mistakes no matter who he is.
Ideal people are found in works of art, myths and religions, and not in reality. If such a brilliant ideal becomes a shelf of affection, then it spreads its elbows and suppresses neighbors.
The first step towards the development of your “I” is to abandon idols (do not create an idol for yourself). Meet Buddha - kill Buddha (Linji).
It is curious that enemies also fall on the shelf with samples. And they are also idealized and simplified - from diverse people they turn into an unambiguous example of what should be avoided. And woe to those who mention the enemy as something acceptable. Attachment to the enemy is no better than attachment to an idol.
A kind of enemy can be considered a person with a bad rating. Estimates are sometimes overestimated - instead of the rich abstraction “man”, only an assessment is seen by some criteria.
Removing simple figures from the shelf of attachment helps make way for images of real, full-fledged people. In order to better understand others and build their behavior, you need to have samples on the shelf that are rich in details, including advantages and disadvantages.
There should be many samples on the shelf, and the samples should be different. They should not only prompt solutions to everyday problems, but also set an example of overcoming their own shortcomings. Having no flaws, idealized idols can only set an example of life on the wave of success. Do you need a survivor's bias ?
To sympathize and become attached is normal, of course, necessary. It is harmful to idealize and depend.
Dependence means a lack of sources. If a person is sorely lacking, this means that he could not be understood and accepted in a measure sufficient for copying, and it was not possible to find people like him. The natural outcome of healthy attachment is separation, not eternal shortage.
Cleaning samples involves not only removing flat, fictional figures, but also closing broken connections with real people. However, I do not consider myself competent enough to discuss possible remedies in this direction, generalizing too many possible options. Psychotherapy is fraught with side effects and is sometimes not possible without the help of a qualified specialist.
If “I” is an abstraction, that is, knowledge of the presence of something with many properties, then it should be remembered that the built-in mechanism of accumulation and development of abstractions in the head works throughout life, therefore it can and should be used for its intended purpose.
If the first step on the path to “I” is to develop the concept of “man” by observing people, then the next step is to begin to examine yourself, to study the properties and relationships of the very abstraction to which the label “I” is stuck.
For the development of the child, teachers advise daily to communicate with him on the subject of his existence. Not what was at school, but what did you do, what did you feel, what did you want at school?
To build strong relationships, psychologists advise daily to communicate with a partner on the topic of its existence. Not what was at work, and not what needs to be done tonight, but were you able to have lunch, were you able to solve the problem, what do you want to do now?
Do you have a lot of people in your life talking to you about you? (Haruki Murakami)
An example of self-reinforcement is list writing. On paper or on a computer.
The popular list of “one hundred facts about yourself” walked through LJ as a test - having managed to collect a hundred hundred facts is a well-developed personality. However, the compilation of the list is not only entertainment or a test, but also an active method of personality development, since it makes you search and remember the very properties that make up the abstraction of “I”.
If it is interesting from the "I" to gain confidence in your ability to cope with any new task, then in the list of facts you should pay attention to your skills. Walking, talking, tying shoelaces - the more skills, albeit small, but different, the more impressive the “I” tree looks, the easier it is to lean on it.
Another kind of list is the footprints that I leave in the world around me. What are my actions annoying others? What my actions delight others. Not to write qualities, actions are needed. Not plans, not promises to fix, just fixation of the existing, make yourself visible to yourself.
Another option is a wish list. In a few columns: what I want, what it will give me, what I do to move towards the goal. Do not write hypothetical “what can I” or “I will do”. Lack of action is a sign of lack of desire. If I’m doing nothing, but I can or plan, then this is not a desire, but an expectation, you can transfer to the list of “one hundred facts”.
If a hobby is not on the list of facts, then the next step on the road to “I” should be “get a hobby”. A hobby is a tool for self-realization, which allows you to go beyond the framework of “work-home-relaxation”.
Confidence in the existence of anything is not developed by a simple statement of fact, it is about remembering a long list of qualities and methods of application. Therefore, you can revise and supplement the lists in a few days, months, years.
On the Internet there are “one hundred questions to yourself” cheat sheets of different quality. Bad questions are frustrating if the author tried to hook emotions, and not give a hint for work. After the right questions, the world is filled with colors, it becomes richer in details - a pleasant side effect.
With a weak “I” it is very difficult to serve adults in time. Who will reassure me when “me” is not at home? Work on your “I” should be at your leisure, in a calm state.
The formation of “I” may be accompanied by the unpleasant feeling of “I lack support.” But, before seeking support from other people or trying to support yourself, you need to understand what kind of support is missing.
Very different types of support are possible, which are useful for very different requests and cannot replace each other:
It is not always easy to determine the type of support desired, requested and provided. In social networks, they often ask for one thing, implying another, and are offended by receiving a third.
Support options are determined by a list of social needs. Social - because they are usually requested from others. If a person has learned to provide support to another, then he can learn to provide it to himself, and such a person ceases to be in urgent need of outside support.
The list of social needs and, accordingly, the types of support has not been established , you can find different options or make your own list.
In many languages of the world the word “I” contains few letters, and this indicates its importance - the more often the word is used, the shorter it becomes.
The often repeated “I” becomes habitual, ceases to be noticed and even voiced. For problems with obtaining results, pay attention to the second half of the phrase “I do” and try to improve the action.
But the formula “I do” consists of two terms, so I suggest nevertheless to take a closer look at where all the action begins:
- What is the "I".
- The lack of self.
- The appearance of the "I".
- Strengthening the "I".
I will touch upon abstraction, selfishness, affection and support.
Term
What is the self? In our age of accessible Internet, you can easily read serious literature and learn, for example, that Kant separates the empirically individual “I” from the pure. Jung defines "self" as one of the archetypes in the composition of the "ego". Freud’s “ego” is a little different, and “self” comes from “it”. I walked along this road, and my main conclusion is that the more you know, the more different versions you have to consider. And soon you begin to forget what exactly I wanted to find.
Not only am I trying to understand the “I”, many are curious about us. To search for “ourselves,” we go from different angles, add and filter manifestations, draw diagrams, collect statistics and redo everything again, because different researchers get results that cannot be coordinated. From hopelessness, we sneak a peek at religion, pepper philosophy, sift through a scientific sieve of neurobiology, dilute it with psychology, sigh sadly and switch to other interesting topics. And what were you looking for?
“I” is what I realize as “myself.” Awareness is the result of the work of consciousness. Consciousness is ... On Habré there are many articles about the nature of consciousnessbut they offer very different points of view. I repent, I have not read all the existing articles and books. And I will never read everything, because they write on a popular topic faster than I can read.
Excess materials are generated by the uncertainty of the term “consciousness”. I have something and I don’t understand what exactly, please tell me how this something works, I don’t know what, more precisely ... The terms of reference are not so good, so draw some design options for the customer to choose .
It does not help citing dictionaries with dozens of definitions that are not compatible with each other. I will postpone the difficult problem of consciousness for later, I will try to explain the “I” somehow differently.
Word labels are overrated, they look like solutions, but they only point to points of view that are always slightly different for different people. Now we are not talking about names, so I will mix all kinds of “ego” and “self” in one heap.
What do I mean by “I” in the phrase “I mean”?
Abstraction
I’ll get around the tough question from the flank. What is a brush? If you look into the dictionary, we will see there something like “a tool for painting and painting”. And then there are the features - what varieties can be made from. The dictionary defines objects using methods and other properties.
Can I use a fork or comb as a brush? It is unlikely that the teeth are harsh, and they are rare, you can’t take a lot of paint. Can a toothbrush be used as a brush? It can, it turns out, I checked in childhood. We recognize the brush if it is home-made from a bunch of grass and a clumsy stick.
We define objects and phenomena by the opportunities or obstacles that they provide. We define abstractions with a multitude of qualities, and then label them with a label (voiceover: determination is fixed by a nomination in the form of a term).
If you look closely, then in the surrounding world there is not a single brush. As there are no other abstractions and names with which the brain operates (there is no “spoon”).
Set aside the brush. What is a person? A two-legged creature without feathers with flat and wide nails, an upright mammal, living, a subject capable of thinking, moralizing, feeling, a member of society - dictionaries will readily give us a bunch of properties. Great, this will help answer the next question.
What is me A person has just been identified, it remains to add a long series of qualities that I differ from other people. Any abstraction is determined by the allocation of properties (and methods). The name does not define abstraction, but only marks for future use.
Let's return to the first question - what is the “I”? Erroneous answers come down to the names: the soul, the psychological complex of consciousness with the subconscious, the archetype of the self, one of the programs that are executed in the brain, or one of the abstractions that the brain operates with ... You cannot explain the term with another term (bad practice).
Calling “I” an abstraction, I just attribute “I” to the category of abstractions. From the abstract it follows, by the way, that the “I” does not exist in reality, therefore, for example, the problem of transferring a specific “I” to another medium after death or as a result of teleportation, loses its meaning, but this is not about that now.
Calling the “I” an abstraction, I describe only some of the properties of the “I” inherent in other abstractions. The complete answer to the question “I” should be a set of properties and uses that will help to distinguish the class “I” from other abstractions, and then also give uniqueness to my “I”.
What properties does the “I” have, in which situations do we use “ourselves”?
Tool shortage
I have a universal category for “desires”, “emotions”, “consciousness” and much more - this is an evolutionary endorsed tool that benefits. Perhaps I have developed a too optimistic approach, but for me everything in the field of vision is of some use, including problems and errors.
I like to think that “I” is another tool of the mind. One of the important, because it is necessary for solving any problems. To better understand the tool, I suggest looking for benefits from it. If the benefits are not obvious, then try to do without this tool and look at the result.
When meeting with any task, you need to find someone who will solve it. If the “I” is not at hand, then there is a desire to use the one who is better seen and heard, whose existence is felt better - those around.
The environment is not always available, so there is a dependence on their availability. To confirm contact and control, I want to constantly ping used by insignificant questions and small requests: where are you, what are you doing, whether you have done, give, bring, wake up ...
Lack of your own “I” is manifested by an increased interest in other people's affairs and conversations - who called what said, when will you arrive?
To feel gratitude, one needs to feel. If “it” is difficult to discern in a picture of the world, then thanks are extremely rare or feigned.
Claims are made with accusations - they are easy to bring to the outside world, they are designed to redirect outward what cannot be worked out inside. Others are required to do what cannot be demanded of themselves (double standards).
The inability to control others is manifested by increased anxiety. In the absence of others, it will remain to go to distracting or drowning entertainments to relieve tension: alcohol, snacks, series, pictures ... Plus games and social networks that give a substitute for control over the environment.
Not having confidence in his existence, he sees his desires poorly, therefore he is inclined to postpone promising cases that do not give benefits right now. Procrastinate until fear kick makes you work.
But the desires of the animal level are fulfilled instantly, without taking into account the interests of others and predicting their losses: to demand, to seize, to flee.
The appeals to the bearer of this imperceptible “I” are ignored: stop, promise, do. The words turned to the “one” whom I do not have passed by. I notice a request or demand only if they are accompanied by a threat or promise of a gingerbread.
Reminds behavior of young children.
Inverted Egoism
Immature children and infantile adults are selfish. Even when infantility is hidden under the guise of an energetic business man.
They do not like to help if it does not bring them quick and clear benefits. They are offended when they are denied their requests. They become sad for a long time at the sight of problems that there is no one to delegate.
They stand across the sidewalks and park in the wrong places, not noticing that they create difficulties for others. They interrupt other people's conversations, starting to ask about something of their own. They make noise when they want, and litter where they want. But they are furious when they see the slightest hint of infringement of their rights or a threat to their property.
They are happy to discuss acquaintances over their eyes and spread dirty gossip. But even a slight irony cannot be expressed when they tell about their achievements - this is the simplest way to become their enemy.
Under selfishness means the pursuit of personal goals, ignoring the needs of others. It is generally accepted that the egoist has a swollen, hypertrophied ego.
I believe that the picture of selfishness hangs upside down. Egoists are people with an undeveloped, weak ego, they do not feel themselves, and that is why they are forced to influence the world through other people.
Imagine a commander in an open field without an army. There are enemies around, but there is no army, how can we fight? Remains intrigues, bribes, bluffs - attempts to negotiate or somehow subjugate the generals of other armies. To avoid defeat.
Extreme cases of egoism are called narcissism, but the egoist only seems narcissistic. The one who really experiences a feeling of love does not need to constantly seek confirmation of this feeling, to beg for love. Frequent narcissism indicates a lack of love. And the daffodil cannot accept love, because there is no “him” who can accept.
The egoist is also not capable of loving others. It can only be dependent on those who are convenient to use. If a person does not have an “I”, then he perceives others not as other “I”. Other people for him are nothing more than tools to achieve their goals. Moody and unpredictable, so they need to be controlled and educated.
The egoist ignores the interests of others, but not because he defends his own. Of his interests, he defends only the simplest, momentary, acts stereotyped and loses at long distances. The egoist does not understand, does not feel, does not predict people, because in his mechanism for modeling reality, the concept of “man” is not developed.
The egoist feels that he is missing something. Therefore, he clings to his achievements in this way, whether it is a position in society or a collection of prizes. Like an invisible man who cannot see himself, the egoist tries to make himself out even in his tracks. And fiercely upholds the little that was found.
The egoist constantly compares himself with others and insistently asks for a good assessment of himself. The non-existent “he” cannot independently influence this assessment, therefore he is weighted with status items and regalia. And he hopes that the rating will be good. Hopes pave the way for anxiety, resentment, disappointment.
Psychologists will not let you lie, egoists are unhappy , vulnerable people.
Shortage markers
The habit of gossiping, scolding politicians, thieves and other enemies, following the life of “stars”, a tendency to generalize and simplify, a thirst to correct or save others, ignoring other people's interests, manipulation skills, the need for a shepherd, a constant swing between the lazy “I don't want to” and terrible “need”, the desire to receive and give marks, the painful unwillingness to get rid of unnecessary things ...
Egoism is considered a vice. The suffix “ism” is ambiguous, it can denote an action, practice, condition, principle, characteristic or doctrine. The ideological flow, the direction of thought, the nature of the action, evaluation - “isms” are different.
Egoism - emphasis on “ego” is considered a vice. Despite the fact that the “ego” is one of the main tools of life. The invertedness of the term makes it difficult to understand the nature of the phenomenon - a vice is the lack of an important tool.
In addition to the well-known signs of pronounced egoism, a lack of self can manifest itself in how a person uses pronouns in speech.
In the spiritual practice of Buddhism, a frequent use of the pronoun “I” is considered a marker of immaturity. They recommend focusing less on oneself in order to pay more attention to the surrounding reality. Say, then there will be a connection with some other, real "I".
For the egoist, this advice may be useful - starting to study others, the egoist develops the abstraction "man", which he will begin to apply to himself. Freed from endless attempts to succeed in evaluations, the egoist will free up strength for real accomplishments. The “less me-kat” council has taken root, has proved its loyalty in practice, but it is far from suitable for everyone.
Watching others is useful, yes, but a complete rejection of the self is fraught with the abandonment of their needs. Asceticism is hard and not joyful work, for which there must be some great and definite goal. For non-ascetics in everyday life, it is useful to notice, study and exercise the “I” so that attention ceases to cling to its lack.
If there is a ready-made subject at hand for any action, then the work of finding and attracting third-party subjects is no longer necessary. When I have a “me”, there is no stupor when meeting with problems - they turn into tasks, because there is someone to solve them.
In the advice to writers (King, Zinser) you can find the opposite marker of a weak “I” - an abundance of passive voice in the text. Serves as a sign of uncertainty of the author in the expressed thought. If the action is found and designated by the subject, the phrase becomes stronger. There is a significant difference between “I would like” and “I want”.
If in a conversation I talk too much about myself, then this is a sign of a lack of “I”. If everything happens in my speech and is, as it were, on its own, then this is also a sign of a lack of “I”. A healthy “I” does not live on the pole, but somewhere between the extremes.
Neither I nor those reading these lines are selfish, no. We are all somewhere between two extremes. But if there is a suspicion that the balance is not optimal, then you can look for ways to improve the situation.
Tattoos, piercings, attempts to stand out with unusual clothes or hair color, a passion for selfies, fixation in appearance, whether it is pride or dissatisfaction - a persistent search for your own tracks in the world may indicate a lack of feeling in this world.
Diligent fashion tracking, blind faith in authorities, the need for a pack of like-minded people are signs of an insufficiently independent self.
Vulnerability to other people's suspicions, accusations, reproaches, insults and flattery are signs of an unsure self.
A serious marker is the subsidence of the “I” to zero in explosions of strong emotions. If a person, carried away by a stream of unpleasant experiences, begins to think and talk exclusively about what is happening in the world around him, then it can be assumed that his “ego” was hidden somewhere.
Strong magic to quench fear, resentment and rage can be found in the word “you” - what are you doing in this situation? Distract from inaction, actions and qualities of others, it’s not in your head that they make decisions and experience emotions. Where is the versatile “you” in this situation with all your achievements, plans and dreams? If you are talking about a situation, then tell about you in this situation.
Yes, we have nothing to do with many unpleasant situations and therefore cannot change anything. But emotions- This is an evolutionarily created mechanism for influencing behavior. If there were no actions and is not expected, and emotions are raging, then we can assume some kind of incorrectness, something fell out of consideration. If emotion is a signal, then we need someone who receives the signal.
Teachers offer to calm the capricious child to indicate the existence of the child by touch and eye contact, and then call the child what he feels, you can assume that you are tired, you feel bad, you are sad because of that. As soon as the child understands that what is happening is with him, and not somewhere in an unknown place, the child will begin to calm down. The magic of “you” also works on adults.
Also a marker of a weak self is a lack of pleasant emotions. So that the “inner child” does not feel deprived and does not interfere with the “inner adult” to work, psychotherapists advise regularly pamper yourself - aimlessly buy tasty and beautiful things, allow walking, playing, doing things that an adult seems to be unnecessary nonsense.
If I don’t spoil myself with gifts, if I don’t know how to take care of myself, then this can be only one explanation - my attention does not notice the one who can give gifts, who to take care of.
If my purchases, walks, games or social networks take a lot of time without bringing a sense of satisfaction and saturation, then this can only be one explanation - there is not enough who should accept gifts, be happy and have fun.
If the “I” dissolves during an attack of emotions, if the gifts “to oneself” do not please anyone, then something needs to be done and this can be done. Not to choose the most difficult path, but also not to choose inaction.
Becoming
Infantilism and selfishness often go hand in hand, because they have a common reason from a childhood.
The “I” is formed for a long time, for many years. The feeling of having “yourself” is not something quickly determined with the help of a dictionary, but a set of qualities, for each of which confidence must be created.
A child is born with simple reflexes and begins to know the world around him. He sees objects and phenomena, but does not see himself. Then he begins to distinguish between people and animals that can behave unpredictably. Then, with the help of the reactions of others and words, he discovers himself and attributes himself to these which are unpredictable. And then it begins to separate itself from them, finally forming its personal “I”.
As long as we are talking about simple actions, there is no problem - you can go, take, eat. At the start, you don’t need some special “I”, enough reflexes or emotions. The self tool will be needed later, when it comes to the desires of the inner adult, who will begin to predict events, build opportunities and choose solutions - when you need to build someone into the plans.
The child does not see himself from the side, but he can observe other people and copy, adopt their characteristics.
To begin with, you should choose those who should borrow. Who is nearby cares about me, whom it is comfortable to observe, whom I categorized as “good” —that I will choose, I will begin to study and copy. To become “good.”
People and their actions are very different, it’s difficult to choose, so the child will try not to lose what he has chosen, he will become attached to someone.
Attachment is a side effect or tool for survival and development, but the term “ attachment mechanism ” is common and understood by many, so I will continue to use it as a synonym for “mechanism of formation of the self”.
The copying mechanism is like an invisible shelf on which statuettes are placed. The shelf of the child is not so big, only a few role models will fit. Therefore, it is good if they are fully-formed adults. Moreover, they are different so that the child can learn patterns of behavior in various situations and learn to predict the behavior of different people based on the small number of available samples, standards, models.
The child will need contacts with each person whose image fell on the shelf. Because he established himself with a good attitude and was partially studied. Losing relationships with such people is difficult, especially if there are few other worthy examples on the shelf. Attachment may be accompanied by addiction.
If an egoist is on the shelf, then his behavior will be copied. If a person was not an egoist, but behaved like an egoist towards a child, then the child will become an egoist, having copied all the weaknesses and bad tactics of an adult.
If parents and other adults scare away from themselves, then statuettes of accessible peers will stand on the shelf, which, at least conditionally, can be called friends. It is unlikely that something good will come of this, but the attachment mechanism requires samples.
If there were no soul mates among peers, then clumsy surrogates, pieces of template behavior in individual situations, broken off from somewhere and roughly stuck together with each other, will appear on the shelf.
My version with a shelf and figurines is a simplification. Development psychologist Gordon Newfeld uses the expression “attachment village”, distinguishes between six levels, notices polarization, and draws interesting conclusions. I recommend his book “Do not miss your children” for those who want to become adults. And I will return to the simplified version to proceed to practice.
Mutability
Suppose that the parents got average, far from ideal. And a couple of immature peers made their way to the shelf of samples. The rest of the place is crammed with pieces of figurines handpicked on TV and magazines.
If the patterns are scarce, then the subconscious mind will not be able to quickly choose behavior in a significant part of life situations. A person cannot rely on himself, cannot independently satisfy all his needs and therefore depends on others.
The actions of an unformed person will pursue selfish goals. In difficult situations, he will behave childishly. Extreme cases of the manifestation of the unformed self in psychology are indicated by the term “narcissism” and relate to one of the sides of the “ dark triad ”.
Can this be fixed? Some psychologists say that it is impossible. They say that attachments are formed in childhood, and if the train left, then everything, there will be no second.
However, the lack of success in the first attempts does not say anything about the fundamental impossibility of the existence of working correction methods. The lack of success in therapy can only speak of the fact that it has not yet been possible to choose a technique, you can continue the search.
I agree with the impossibility of correcting an inveterate egoist, but only for extreme cases in which therapy does not work, because the egoist will not engage in therapy or the development of one who does not exist. If “I” is some kind of abstraction, they say, but which is not felt, then there is no point in straining.
Moreover, the egoist can be horrified even by the slight assumption that something is wrong with him, that something needs to be fixed. In the best case, he won’t be interested or believe, in the worst case he will begin to sabotage or preemptively attack.
But neither I nor the reader of these lines refers to clinical cases, extreme manifestations, right? Therefore, we can admit the possibility of enhancing the sensation of our existence. To facilitate the appearance of all “I do” ( agency ).
I like the heretical idea that “selfless” or “altruist” are not antonyms for the word “egoist”. Yes, the manifestations of “all for oneself” and “all for others” lie at the opposite ends of the scale, but the consequences are opposite, not the causes.
If we take the analogy with blood pressure, then high and low blood pressure when they are excessive indicate the presence of a disease, the opposite of which is health. Extremes indicate a problem. The opposite of low pressure is not high, but healthy.
Both the weakening and strengthening of the “I” do not lead to altruism at all. The stronger the “I”, the less energy goes into the search for “self”, the more forces remain for real accomplishments. The healthy opposite of extreme manifestations of both selfishness and altruism is the creator.
Sample cleaning
The tendency of adults to create idols for themselves indicates that the attachment mechanism does not turn off with age. The activity of the mechanism indicates the possibility of using it.
As a person develops, the shelf with samples grows, containing at first one person, then several, then a dozen. The shelf becomes wider, a free space appears on it, which also wants to take something.
Even in old age, we can learn to sculpt and gradually replace garbage on the shelf with decent figurines. But this is not the easiest way, fraught with errors. There are too many brilliant, but empty or one-sidedly developed people among applicants for the role of the model.
Finding decent samples is useful, but much more important is learning to detach from people, no matter how attractive they may seem. Do not start looking for flaws, but stop looking for exclusively positive traits. This will be enough to eliminate the harmful effects of poor-quality examples.
If he is a poet, then do not consider him a specialist in government. If he is a successful politician, then do not consider him a scientist. If he is a mathematician, then do not consider him a wise teacher. Let the idol make mistakes no matter who he is.
Ideal people are found in works of art, myths and religions, and not in reality. If such a brilliant ideal becomes a shelf of affection, then it spreads its elbows and suppresses neighbors.
The first step towards the development of your “I” is to abandon idols (do not create an idol for yourself). Meet Buddha - kill Buddha (Linji).
It is curious that enemies also fall on the shelf with samples. And they are also idealized and simplified - from diverse people they turn into an unambiguous example of what should be avoided. And woe to those who mention the enemy as something acceptable. Attachment to the enemy is no better than attachment to an idol.
A kind of enemy can be considered a person with a bad rating. Estimates are sometimes overestimated - instead of the rich abstraction “man”, only an assessment is seen by some criteria.
Removing simple figures from the shelf of attachment helps make way for images of real, full-fledged people. In order to better understand others and build their behavior, you need to have samples on the shelf that are rich in details, including advantages and disadvantages.
There should be many samples on the shelf, and the samples should be different. They should not only prompt solutions to everyday problems, but also set an example of overcoming their own shortcomings. Having no flaws, idealized idols can only set an example of life on the wave of success. Do you need a survivor's bias ?
To sympathize and become attached is normal, of course, necessary. It is harmful to idealize and depend.
Dependence means a lack of sources. If a person is sorely lacking, this means that he could not be understood and accepted in a measure sufficient for copying, and it was not possible to find people like him. The natural outcome of healthy attachment is separation, not eternal shortage.
Cleaning samples involves not only removing flat, fictional figures, but also closing broken connections with real people. However, I do not consider myself competent enough to discuss possible remedies in this direction, generalizing too many possible options. Psychotherapy is fraught with side effects and is sometimes not possible without the help of a qualified specialist.
Property Lists
If “I” is an abstraction, that is, knowledge of the presence of something with many properties, then it should be remembered that the built-in mechanism of accumulation and development of abstractions in the head works throughout life, therefore it can and should be used for its intended purpose.
If the first step on the path to “I” is to develop the concept of “man” by observing people, then the next step is to begin to examine yourself, to study the properties and relationships of the very abstraction to which the label “I” is stuck.
For the development of the child, teachers advise daily to communicate with him on the subject of his existence. Not what was at school, but what did you do, what did you feel, what did you want at school?
To build strong relationships, psychologists advise daily to communicate with a partner on the topic of its existence. Not what was at work, and not what needs to be done tonight, but were you able to have lunch, were you able to solve the problem, what do you want to do now?
Do you have a lot of people in your life talking to you about you? (Haruki Murakami)
An example of self-reinforcement is list writing. On paper or on a computer.
The popular list of “one hundred facts about yourself” walked through LJ as a test - having managed to collect a hundred hundred facts is a well-developed personality. However, the compilation of the list is not only entertainment or a test, but also an active method of personality development, since it makes you search and remember the very properties that make up the abstraction of “I”.
If it is interesting from the "I" to gain confidence in your ability to cope with any new task, then in the list of facts you should pay attention to your skills. Walking, talking, tying shoelaces - the more skills, albeit small, but different, the more impressive the “I” tree looks, the easier it is to lean on it.
Another kind of list is the footprints that I leave in the world around me. What are my actions annoying others? What my actions delight others. Not to write qualities, actions are needed. Not plans, not promises to fix, just fixation of the existing, make yourself visible to yourself.
Another option is a wish list. In a few columns: what I want, what it will give me, what I do to move towards the goal. Do not write hypothetical “what can I” or “I will do”. Lack of action is a sign of lack of desire. If I’m doing nothing, but I can or plan, then this is not a desire, but an expectation, you can transfer to the list of “one hundred facts”.
If a hobby is not on the list of facts, then the next step on the road to “I” should be “get a hobby”. A hobby is a tool for self-realization, which allows you to go beyond the framework of “work-home-relaxation”.
Confidence in the existence of anything is not developed by a simple statement of fact, it is about remembering a long list of qualities and methods of application. Therefore, you can revise and supplement the lists in a few days, months, years.
On the Internet there are “one hundred questions to yourself” cheat sheets of different quality. Bad questions are frustrating if the author tried to hook emotions, and not give a hint for work. After the right questions, the world is filled with colors, it becomes richer in details - a pleasant side effect.
Support
With a weak “I” it is very difficult to serve adults in time. Who will reassure me when “me” is not at home? Work on your “I” should be at your leisure, in a calm state.
The formation of “I” may be accompanied by the unpleasant feeling of “I lack support.” But, before seeking support from other people or trying to support yourself, you need to understand what kind of support is missing.
Very different types of support are possible, which are useful for very different requests and cannot replace each other:
- A recognition of the existence of "me." It is definitely useful for a child, but in an adult with a weak “I” it can cause an excess of trust or a rejective fear.
- The presence of approval of "me", a demonstration of affection or, at least, the absence of hostility. It is vividly felt, but does not last long. Lack of acceptance creates a need for membership in the flock, clan, forcing to adhere to the beliefs approved by society (conformism).
- Confirmation that “I” is doing an important or useful thing. A poorly noticed need spoiling the mood of many adults (and me). Attempts to alleviate the lack of support like “approval” are not satisfying.
- Situational assistance with information, money, work, or other resources. Not related to personality. Often and easily requested, but poorly helps with the need for support such as “recognition” or “approval”.
It is not always easy to determine the type of support desired, requested and provided. In social networks, they often ask for one thing, implying another, and are offended by receiving a third.
Support options are determined by a list of social needs. Social - because they are usually requested from others. If a person has learned to provide support to another, then he can learn to provide it to himself, and such a person ceases to be in urgent need of outside support.
The list of social needs and, accordingly, the types of support has not been established , you can find different options or make your own list.
Abstracts
- “I” is one of the abstractions with which the brain operates.
- The lack of a sense of “self” makes it difficult to solve problems.
- “I” appears in childhood, but “yourself” can be grown later.
- To develop abstraction, one should study its properties.