Catch Me If You Can. Manager's letter

Hello dear. I have a bad news. Unfortunately, I was fired again. I know that you’ll swear - you’ll say that it’s not me who was fired, but I myself am a wretched and hopeless asshole, but this time it’s not in me.

The bitch programmer is to blame . All because of him. Now I’ll tell you everything.

The first paragraph of your plan worked perfectly well. When I said that I came from Moscow, no one began to check the registration - they took my word for it. And it worked.

Of course, they asked a couple of questions about places of work - they say, why there is not a single Moscow company there, but I got out - said that I, as the most effective, are usually sent to save assets in the hinterlands where my competencies are lacking.

He told them the details of the projects and the results achieved - well, those that you gave me to memorize. I even managed to answer questions. In general, the impression made hoo.

I never cease to be surprised at your insight - it was you who gave me the most valuable advice in my whole life. Remember, at my first job, where I served three computers, a modem, and a content manager, site systems, they didn’t want to officially place me for a long time? And when, at last, you agreed, you said - let them write in the position of "software engineer." It didn’t matter to the accountant, she wrote it, and since then I always, at every opportunity, boldly claim that I am a former programmer.

For current programmers, this has a magical effect. Given that I am older than most of them, probably in their fragile minds the following picture appears: young, enthusiastic, in a dirty T-shirt, in the corner of the server room, our boss is sitting and cherishing something on foxpro, delphi or basic. Well, I think they think so.

At the first meeting of the team, I, as expected, said that the most important thing is the result. I always say that. Yes, I remember, you said that this is a meaningless, muddied, rode out stereotype that has not impressed anyone for a long time, but I can’t think of anything else to say. I do not speak on their programming topics, because I will be caught at the very first word. And so - catch me if you can. Yes, I carry the usual managerial garbage. But there’s nothing to dig into.

Pushed them, as expected, and about business tasks. I know you will be surprised at this word - I invented it myself. Everyone says “business tasks,” or “business tasks,” and I don’t want to be like everyone else. Let me have my own zest. Each cool manager should have its own zest, a special style, a unique style. My hobby is business tasks.

Well, there is a more prosaic explanation. I have been working as the head of programmers for a long time, and ... Well, yes, I do not work, but I try to work. Moonlighting. I'm trying to earn some money. After all, you can’t be fooled - for longer than six months, I did not hold out anywhere. Only a constant change of city for work saves - they do not have time to remember me.

I don’t know, however, how are you there without me - after all, I am at home a couple of times a year. Sometimes, of course, strange thoughts creep in - they say that she came up with a plan ... And she supports it ... She lives without me at all ... Young, successful, manager in the most famous IT company in Russia ... And she can't even get me a technician ... Sends to what village ... So that's it! Damn it, silly thoughts! I know, dear, that you love me and wish me only the best! I will make sure that you can be proud of me, and we will be together again!

Distracted. So, I have been leading programmers in factories for a long time. All factories have business tasks - they are constantly discussed at meetings where I attend. Purchase of new equipment, search for qualified design engineers, cost optimization, import substitution, development of new products, access to the international market. These are even business tasks that I understand. But not one of them will ever be assigned to the IT department. Maximum - they will be attracted to connecting the computer to the machine.

The IT department of the plant has one task - to make everything work. If something does not work, the programmers are blown away - either by users, or by me. If it doesn’t work for a long time, or the jamb affects the operation of the plant, they will bang me. And I don’t like it when they screw me, especially in public, at the general meeting of managers. This is the worst thing that can happen. Especially when they force me to explain the reasons for the failures, what will I tell them? The maximum is “the perpetrators will be found and punished, we will work out measures to prevent this, there are a lot of technical details that you won’t understand.” And if they nevertheless go into details, then I say that the point is the dichotomous majorization of the matrix.

So, a business task is one for which they can screw me up. Therefore, from the very first day I tell programmers that business tasks are the most important. Drop everything and do it. And let others solve business problems, they will never be entrusted to us.

The first contact with this damned programmer, alas, was unsuccessful. I asked what problem he was solving - I thought he would just tell, and I shake my head. No, this bastard opened the source code, and I had to stare at it. Asked about the term - he seems to have called two months. I slowed down a bit, recalling how you recommended working with the deadlines. I remembered the method of half division - well, when the term is stupidly divided in half, it was applied.
At first I almost applied the Pi method - well, when the term is multiplied by the number 3.14. Glory to the gods, I remembered - this is the same method for the higher ones, when they set you the task. And for subordinates - half division. It seems that the first time I did not confuse them in places.

The next business day flew in - the accounting department yelled at me in the presence of the director. They said that we were breaking the deadline for submitting reports, because the programmer was not helping. I, by stupidity, tried to argue with them - they say, what are you treating me with, what reports can be for August? She surrenders quarterly. Then I found out that there are especially large taxpayers in the world, of which that plant is, and they submit reports monthly. I got out, of course - they say, I didn’t know that you were especially large, well, that they said. But the smirk on the face of the head accountant bitch I really did not like.

I left the meeting and went to the toilet. Events like laxative affect me. A step away from failure was! Fifteen minutes he grumbled there until he came to himself - and ran to the programmer. And this freak is sitting, grinning - they say, why are you, like a puppy, running around the first kick from accounting? I don’t react to this for a long time - I know that programmers do not respect those who fall under users. Yes, and do not care, to be honest. My salary is twice as high, and you sit here, such a proud one. But I am the boss, and you are the subordinate. Legs in hands and do. And do not forget to report.

Unfortunately, this incident immediately tarnished my reputation among managers. If before they almost didn’t contact me, they probably wanted to take a closer look, but now, as they say, they’ve already looked closely. There were complaints, some old tasks crawled out, which this fucking programmer could not do for several months or years. I, as you taught, honestly wrote everything in a red notebook, which is for urgent matters. Well, he explained to everyone that now this task will be surely solved, because I took control of it.

The disgust is that the attitude of the director has changed. An item on your roadmap called First Call came well ahead of schedule. The director called me and said that he was already worried - I promised at the interview that I would launch new projects, give results, and show myself. According to the plan, I said that my first project is a task management system.

By the way, thanks for helping out. I accidentally drowned a flash drive with the distribution kit of this system in the toilet - it’s good that you sent a copy. I spent a few days fumbling, but managed to deploy the system to one of the servers - the only one under Windows, was used for an access control system, an old one, but it seemed to be pulled out.

In general, everything as you said: “I began to implement a task management system - I’ve been free for six months”. Well, not everything, of course ... I usually turn off this system in a month. Maybe you’ll talk to the programmer who made it so that he can somehow modify the system? Well, it’s painfully monstrous. Fill out twenty fields to set a task - is it a bust for users of the plant information system?

Unfortunately, no one began to enter tasks into my system. I kept saying how you taught - “transparency is the basis of order”, and “if the task is not written down, then it will not be solved”, and “if there is no problem, there is no solution”. But, because I was not taken very seriously already, no one obeyed.

At the next meeting with the director, he got a whip. I tried to make excuses - they say I'm not to blame, the system is ready, but the enterprise is not. I do not have authority over employees of other units. I tried to hint that he also has no power, since everyone decides for himself whether to use the system or not. In vain, of course, I did it.

He immediately became enraged, and for the first time in a conversation with me, he used a mat. First, I inserted it in ten words, then in five (also the method of half division?), Then there was a continuous stream. The essence is this: power cannot be given, it can only be taken. And one more thing: the manager is the one who achieves the result. I, like, usually say the same thing, but somehow I seem to understand what he had in mind.

Only a damn thing is not clear how this fucking result can be achieved. Can you explain to me? How to force users of the system who do not obey me to enter tasks into my program? Just don’t start, please, about all kinds of soft skills, cross-communications, leadership and opinion centers. Do what you need?

I haven’t come up with anything better than getting a programmer to add all the tasks to the system. All that he receives through any channel - mail, verbally, etc. He, with grief in half, stayed a bit, but began to introduce tasks. True, I don’t know how it happened, but his tasks were recorded without filling in all twenty fields. Hacked, or what?

I decided to develop success. He made him fill in all the fields - analytics, utility classifiers, etc. But I got an unexpected effect - they screwed me up because the programmer stopped doing anything at all. Naturally, I’m talking to him - this nits sits, smiles, and says that all the working time is spent filling in the fields in my system. There was no time to argue and persuade - I just deprived him of the bonus for a month, and I sat down to fill in the analytics myself.

Unfortunately, I did not understand most of the tasks, so I filled the analytics exactly so that I could achieve my goal - to show a plus. Well, as you taught. All tasks were useful for the business. All tasks turned out to be inexpensive in cost. All tasks brought direct income to the business. It’s not a direct IT department, but some kind of business unit.

I prepared a presentation for the strategic session. It’s good that I have an impersonal template - just insert the factory logo, updated numbers in the Excel file, all the graphics in the presentation become relevant, and the reasons and conclusions are the same - well, I'm insanely good and effective.

But then the irreparable happened. I was so happy about the upcoming success that I decided to mark it in a local restaurant. It didn’t go very well - I got drunk, got it in a tablet, and even got harmed. I had to send a programmer instead. I sent him a presentation, said that he had flown to an urgent conference to read the report, and went on to cuddle with a white friend.

The next day in the office they looked at me strangely. At first I thought that it was my pallor - the effects of poisoning still persisted. I covered a bruise with foundation, although maybe it was noticeable, so they smiled or looked away?

But everything turned out to be more prosaic. This bitch programmer opened my presentation and adjusted the numbers. He added my salary to the graphs of expenses for solving problems. I tried not to fight hard, so I didn’t have a very high profitability, but a threefold increase in expenditure immediately reduced our entire “profit type” to minus. I then watched the video from the strategic session, and I had to take a good morning home for half a day - I had never felt such shame. They laughed out loud. And this gandon is with them.

And you imagine - after that he pinned up and asked for an increase in salary! This is what impudence you must have in order to do so! It’s not even that I don’t have the slightest idea how to increase his salary - just how brazen a creature! I naturally sent him. Well, not directly, but as you taught - they say, the wrong moment, you have not shown results, etc.

So this freak himself went to the director and asked to raise his salary! And got an increase of twenty! He, a bastard, had deliberately set things up just like that - first he came to me, and then to the director. So that I, sort of, understand who is worth what. And when I asked how the whole topic with the increase in salaries was arranged here — at the factory — well, who to talk to, how to present, at what point is better — he said that hell wouldn’t share information with me. Like, I didn’t help him, and he won’t help me.

And then he stupidly sent me to dick. Straight in the face. It’s good that nobody was around. After raising his salary, he generally became strange - he sits, does something, tries, tries to tear his ass. I decided to take advantage, and brought him a task - sales people have long asked me to do it. Then he sent me. He says that the director now sets tasks for him directly. And I’m no longer a decree to him. Well, I mumbled something, like, "look, you yourself decided so" - and again on sick leave.

Now it was clear that I could not last long. But, while formal power remains, I decided to take revenge on this nits. I went to the director for a meeting, and for a long time we discussed all the failed projects. Well, as discussed - I tried to somehow justify myself without going into the details of the projects (because I don’t know them), and he looked at the smartphone and sometimes nodded his head.

Finally, I said that I recently found a root problem, according to Goldratt's theory - this is our programmer. Let’s say, I’ll fire him, and everything will work out right away. Then he looked up from the smartphone, looked into my eyes and calmly said this: you are fired.

The final is logical, in general. It’s just the first time I was fired because of a programmer. By the way, I went to him afterwards - I say, you know, why they fired me? He answers - no, I don’t know. I did not understand, bastard, that there was a question with a catch. That he is to blame for my dismissal. That I again go to hell on Easter cakes, look for factories, rent a room in a communal apartment, brew myself a homeless bag and think about you, dear.

Two days later

lettercompiled by you, I sent the programmer. I do not understand, however, why you wrote it, and why - on my behalf, but oh well. And why she indicated the contacts of the company in which you work, and her mobile phone. But you know better, dear.