Important years. Decisive decade from 20 to 30 years


    Many people, approaching the age of 30, begin to wonder who they are, what they do, what they have achieved and how to live on.
    Mag Jay, author of The Important Years , argues that time from 20 to 30 years is a decisive decade. At this time, we find a suitable job, determine our family, hobbies, friends and the meaning of life. Mag Jay is a psychologist; She specializes in young people between the ages of 20 and 30 and has had many psychotherapy sessions with them. She knows what she writes.
    The article will be useful to young people from 20 to 30 years old and to those who have friends, acquaintances or relatives of this age.


    Defining decade


    It is generally accepted that what happens to a person aged 20 to 30 is not important. Often young people think that all the achievements are yet to come, however, it’s very easy to miss an important moment and in a dozen years to be left with nothing, faced with an identity crisis.

    Our parents lived in a different reality: most people had their first child and family at the age of 21. Girls got married, studying at the institute; the guys got married and got their first job at the same time. Now there has been a tremendous cultural shift and the first child is already 25-26 years old. Young people had time for "knowing themselves", "getting on their feet." The idea that you need to first equip your life and "do not give birth to poverty" is floating in society. This is the root of the problem: thinking that we will succeed, we are burning through the most important years, instead of making the most significant contribution to our whole future life.

    Work


    Below I give a few initial situations at the receptions of the author of the book.
    1. Kate at the age of 27 does not have a job, family, young man, driver's license. Thinking of traveling in Europe in search of himself.
    2. Helen worked as a nanny, went to yoga retreats, waited for intuition, dressed like a workout. I was engaged in one or the other, and for some time I enjoyed life. At 27, friends who had previously envied her adventures began to feel sorry for her. I wanted to do photography, but it did not bring stable earnings.
    3. Ian, at 25, was lost in an ocean of opportunity. There were so many ways around that the choice of one of them became almost impossible. He had the same friends, and his father and mother told him: “You are the best! The whole world is at your feet. ” Ian could not or did not want to determine what capital he had accumulated by the age of 25 and where to move on.

    Some responded to the proposal to accumulate identity capital as follows: “But this is my last chance to have fun.” Someone is trying to find an easy job that does not meet the qualifications, for example, a waiter in a cafe or a seller in a retail store. In essence, this is degradation: if the same time is spent on part-time employment, in the target area of ​​activity, this will be an excellent contribution to the capital of identity. And identity capital, in turn, is what will allow in the future to find a more worthy employment option.

    “What do you want to be at 30? "- this is the key question that Mag Jay asks in his sessions. Not everyone can answer this question, and if they do, it usually looks like a dream. The young man wants to become a designer and work in Lebedev's studio or in Yandex, but does nothing for this. But we know that we need to read a bunch of books, do a bunch of work “on the table” and to order, learn how to work in a large team, become an interesting person.

    Identity capital - personal assets, resources, investments in ourselves. Items in the resume, manner of speaking, approach to solving problems. It is this very identity capital that is not enough to make dreams of what will be in 30 years become a reality.

    It must be said that the answer to the question “who will you be at 30” poses another problem. The fact is that in addition to work there are a lot of things and they need to be planned. For example, the answer to the question is: “I will work in Yandex, I will have a wife, two children and an apartment in Moscow.” You need to plan the preparation and you get something like this:



    From the plan, it becomes clear that the goals are almost real. But there will be difficulties with an apartment in Moscow: to buy it, you need 13 million. This means that you will have to save 217 thousand every month. If you do not forget to eat, you need to earn at least 250-270 thousand per month. And when the children are born, even more. It seems that you need to either revise the goals, or revise the plan of achievement.

    Love


    Who will accompany you all your life is much more important than what institution you graduated from. It is said that a bad wife is a curse, and a good wife is a blessing. The well-being of the family depends on the piety of the wife and her relationship with her spouse. For example, if a woman talks with her friends about her husband as a monkey, then at work they will treat him about the same. These things are subtly related, although this is not obvious.

    Marriage is not a job that can be changed almost painlessly. A failed marriage leaves traces in the soul and at home. We have to solve problems together with the education of children, mortgages and other everyday issues.
    Meg Jay has advised a great many women. They talked about cruel bosses, unrequited love, illness, and other things. But the longest and saddest stories were devoted to unsuccessful marriage.

    Many people of more than twenty years either do not take love relationships seriously, or they think that they should not do this. But for about thirty years, they suddenly suddenly have an acute need for marriage. Listen to what they say:
    Every time someone on Facebook changes their status to “engaged,” “married,” or “married,” I start to panic. I believe that Facebook was invented so that lonely people regretted that their life did not work out.

    My dad always says, "If only you would not become like Aunt Betty." And she is not married.

    Every time a loved one leaves the city and we don’t see each other for the weekend or, God forbid, a whole week, it seems to me that not a week will pass before we get engaged. I so want to consolidate our relationship.

    I do not want to be a balding man at the bar, all of whose friends have already arranged their lives.

    Last year, my boyfriend put a box with a ring under the Christmas tree. But it was not engagement. It still drives me crazy.

    Meetings on Friday and Saturday in the evenings go well until the couples begin to disperse, because being one of the remaining is so bad!

    All that I do where I have no opportunity to meet my future husband is a waste of time.

    The best guy I had was twenty-five. But then I thought that I should not bind myself to anyone. Now I have the feeling that I have missed all those guys who were ready to settle down, and I'm struggling to marry at least someone.


    Family choice


    Family are the most important people in our lives. We can share intimate things with friends, give and receive gifts, and have fun together. But ask yourself: “Who will help me if I get into an accident? Who will take care of me if they find me with cancer? ”

    They say that they do not choose a family, but this is not true. We do not choose our parents, sisters and brothers, but we choose a spouse who has her parents, sisters and brothers. The guy will not marry only the girl. He takes with her and her whole family. Our ancestors knew this very well, therefore, when parents arranged a marriage for their children, they very carefully approached the choice of family.

    It may seem sad because there is no romance. You do not just wait for your soulmate to appear, but you understand: the rest of my life depends on the decisions I make. This suggests that you do not forget about one important fact: your relationship with your life partner and his family should bring you joy not only here and now, but also in the future.

    Cohabitation


    In Western society, it became customary to cohabit before marriage. Over the past 50 years, the level of cohabitation has increased by 1,500 percent. Young people think this is a good way to test relationships and avoid divorce. However, such couples are actually less happy with their marriage; in addition, in their case, the probability of divorce is greater than that of couples who did not live together before marriage.

    And here's the thing.
    Firstly, the standards for cohabitants are much lower than for spouses. We expect less from a partner than from a spouse. Social obligations are also less. There are no obligations with respect to the spouse's family.

    Secondly, during cohabitation, we don’t think about how we will pay for the mortgage, raise children and take care of a sick grandmother. These problems are not discussed, because "we are not married." Cohabitants do not get up at night with their children, do not go on holidays to relatives when they do not want to.

    Thirdly, time is running out. This is especially true for girls: “I got the feeling that I was going through many years, never ending tests for the role of his wife. Because of this, I felt very insecure. "

    Fourth, the effect of closure. In economics, “consumer closure” is a situation where the choice of one option significantly reduces the likelihood of choosing another after investments in something have already been made. When you lived with one person for seven years, it is already difficult to part with him, because a lot of effort has been put into the relationship. The girl thinks that he is about to get married, but he is not going to.
    Among my friends there was a situation when a guy puffed the brains of a girl of 8 years old, and then left for Petersburg with another.

    Compatibility


    Opposites are not attracted. This nonsense works only for casual connections. It is impossible to live long with a person unlike you. Meg Jay suggests using a five-factor personality model to assess compatibility. Try to evaluate yourself and then the person with whom you are building relationships with this model.



    Young people tend to think that the spouse will change: stop drinking, learn to work, love children, want to learn. But 10 years pass, and nothing happens and this is the most common reason for divorce. Unjustified expectations and unfulfilled hopes.

    Mind and body


    Mag Jay writes that between the ages of 20 and 30, the following aspects should be taken into account:

    Brain development


    The most rapid brain growth occurs up to 30 years. By the age of 20, it is growing, and the active formation of neural connections occurs up to 30 years. That is why in youth it is very important to study and learn. Those neural connections that we use are stored and activated. And those that we do not use are forgotten and turned off.

    Confidence


    Confidence is a function of experience. Often we see young people insecure. They do not understand what to do, they have low self-esteem and consider themselves unworthy of something good: a beloved husband, a decent job, good health.

    However, psychologist Anders Ericsson says that to succeed in a particular field, you need 10 thousand hours. Those. if you want to achieve success in sports, your sports experience should be at least 10 thousand hours. If you want to become a good surgeon, gain surgical experience. No professional has become a professional just because he has talent. He just gained valuable experience. 10 thousand hours is five years of work in a given area of ​​8 hours a day, 5 days a week.
    Want to succeed in spiritual practice? - Pray for 2 hours a day and in 20 years you will achieve success in it =)

    Fertility


    The age of marriage is increasing every year. Together with it, the age of birth of the first-born increases. Now we have this age exceeded 25 years.
    “Whether we want or not, but today we have the average age of mothers who give birth for the first time to a child, becoming more and more. Over the past year, he has reached 25 years. This is an alarm. Indeed, a woman wants to realize herself, to establish herself in society. ”
    Olga Golodets, Deputy Chairman of the Government of the Russian Federation, 2013

    From a biological point of view, for most women, the age of twenty to thirty years is the most favorable time for conception and birth of a child. From thirty to thirty-five, the level of fertility begins to decline, and the woman’s ability to conceive a child and bear it drops significantly. At forty, fertility rates make a sharp leap down.

    In 1970, one in ten women after forty did not have a child. Now this is one woman in five. It is said that 40% of young couples in Moscow are infertile. This means that you need to think about the birth of children not at 30, but at least 25. And by this time a worthy husband should already be found.

    The tragedy of our time is that young people put off the most important for later. I know one girl programmer who, at 24, just does what she writes code for days and nights. She says that her children will also be programmers. However, I dare to suggest that if all this continues, she will not have not only children, but even her husband.

    Time can't be fooled


    Meg Jay speaks with his client and draws from her words a plan of life on the time line. As soon as the plan is put on paper, it starts to scare. Shortened dialogue from the book:
    “You're 26 years old now.” When are you going to go to law school?
    - I do not know. Your timeline makes me nervous - so I can’t even think that this will happen next year. But definitely up to thirty.
    - Good. If you enroll in law school at about thirty, you will need [...] In total, this is a minimum of five years. You will not become a real lawyer in less than five years. By that time you will be thirty-five. What do you think about that?
    - It seems to be all right ...
    - Remind me, please, when are you going to get married? At forty? - I marked it on the time line.
    Rachel began to doubt.
    - And give birth to a child at forty-five? Are you sure?
    - No, not at all. I meant that all this is still so far away. I do not want to worry about it now.
    - That's it. You attribute the solution to these issues to a distant, abstract future. When do you really want to get married and have a baby? I asked, wiping off what was already marked on the timeline.
    “I definitely would like to give birth to my first child before thirty-five and get married to this.” I do not want to be an old mom.
    “Now you speak more consciously,” I said, correcting the time line. - So, you think that in the period from thirty to thirty-five years you will go to law school, get married and give birth to a child. These will be very busy years. How do you like the idea that you will have a child while studying at law school?
    - Sounds awful. No, I don't want that. In addition, I may not want to work full day after giving birth.
    - Can you get married and have a baby now?
    - Not! Dr. Jay! I don’t even have a guy!
    “Rachel, your life is not getting longer.” You plan to do all this from thirty to thirty-five years, but you say that you do not want to do all this at the same time.
    - No I do not want to.
    “Then now is the right time to study.”
    “I think I should also stop meeting with random people so often that I don’t even want to have in my surroundings,” Rachel said.


    Draw your life plan on the timeline. This has already been written somewhat higher in this article. Until you draw it, you will live chaotically, you will be thrown back and forth, and you will not advance at all towards the goal of life (if you have one). Writer John Irving says this: "I always start with the last sentence, and then develop the plot in the reverse order, moving to the beginning of the story." Please write your story too. You can right now.

    Links:
    Mag Jay’s book “Important Years” (a book is cheaper on Ozone or in Bookworm than in publishing house)
    Radislav Gandapas about work and family of
    O.G. Torsunov about a man and a woman

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