Black news for the boss

    1. From the author

    1.1. These are the answers of the IT manager to his boss on his watch obscene monologue in the style - "When I need your opinion, I will tell you!"

    1.2. These answers will allow the IT boss or someone who is just about to become one to discover a lot of new things.

    1.3. The news will be black. Bad, very bad and even worse. They can even cause cognitive dissonance (brain deformation). So, if you (we have already switched to you?) Have a gentle mental organization, then maybe you don’t need it, and you should not read further.

    1.4. These answers also do not claim to be true, right, or any other absolute truth. This is just another look at the same software development, which, as I modestly hope, will allow you to see the problems of the IT industry with binocular vision. Will make them more voluminous and, therefore, will open them to you on the other and, most likely, unexpected side for you.

    1.5. The author, however, claims to have some experience in IT, since he has been plowing in this business for 35 years, and 25 of them are IT managers.

    1.6. Therefore, I will not speak about what I saw and heard, but about what left the scars in the skin and in the tongue, as old Adises correctly noted.

    2. Do you remember how it all began?

    2.1. Well, talked out? Yelled at? Have you got it? Threw out my emotions? All?

    2.2. Now turn off the emotions and turn on the brain. Forgot where it turns on? Or nothing to include?

    2.3. Included? Go!

    2.4. Do not forget how you got into the IT business? - Remember. You chopped your first loot on sales. Then I bought it cheaper, and there I sold it more expensive. Income! Profit! Margin! Hired guest workers. Income even more! Profit more! Only now the first million had to earn five years. Long…

    2.5. But then, unfortunately, Forbes magazine fell into your hands. Well, who did you see there at the very top in the ranking of billionaires? You dropout Billy! And he chopped up (just a year!) As much as 13 billion! Dollars! American! And he made them on some progers, geeks of unshaven and unkempt. And each such unshaven one year profit brought him 150,000 greens.

    2.6. And here it dawned on you - here it is a kolondike! Here it is real profit! That's where the money is shoveling!

    2.7. Well, how much can such unkempt with a computer and chair cost per year? - Pennies! Green thousands - 50-70. This is the margin! 200 percent! And even 300 percent !!!

    2.8 ... And then you decided to kill two birds with one stone. Earn three million a year (I didn’t even dream of such a thing!) Million, having hired 20 unshaven for his first earned one, and increase his social prestige by becoming the owner of a wow o-l-o-g-and-h-n-o-g-o business, not some kind of buy-sell one.

    3. And now the news

    3.1. About the work

    3.1.1. Bad at first. I don’t know when we can do that crap that you and the salesman sold. Moreover, they concluded a contract with the customer for a fixed price and a fixed time. And now it’s very bad. NOBODY knows when to make this crap and how many man-hours it will take.

    3.1.2. Surprised? Yes, your customer himself does not know what kind of crap he wants! And you and the salesman do not know. And no one knows. This is called UNCERTAINTY.

    3.1.3. Welcome to the quantum world of software development! Here, the cozy laws of deterministic classical mechanics do not work! And where there is uncertainty, there are always risks! No wrong - RISKS! What did you think? 300 percent profit and risk free? - Dreaming!

    3.1.4. And when on the presale I gave you ratings for this project did you listen to me? Have you heard? What did I tell you? There are two ratings. The first, most probable - 10,000 people * hour. And what does it mean? This means that if we sell this assessment to the customer, then our chances are only 50/50. Either we meet it or not. And I also told you (remember!) That there is a second assessment, more or less guaranteed, with a reserve for unknown risks (and there are still known risks that I know and have already taken into account in the plan) - 20,000 people * hour. And it's very good grades! The spread is only 100%. And sometimes 500% and 1,000%.

    3.1.5. What did you hear? For some reason, you heard only what you wanted about 10,000 people * hour.!

    3.1.6. Yes, even. You applied your awesome experience working with migrant workers and calculated that 10,000 people. * Hour. - this is 60 people * months. and, therefore, 20 of your unshaven will do your project in three months. And signed up for this period in front of the customer.

    3.1.7. And then you, so pathetic, came to the office to collect all the unkempt ones and enthusiastically read the assembled speech saying that you simply wrested a project from the customer with profitability of 50 percent (well, yes, well, not 300 percent, grow up to Billy necessary). But in order for you to get it, they, geeks, will have to sweat and work on the weekend, and even overtime, or maybe even learn at their own expense, but they should do this crap exactly three months later! And you “absolutely fuck @ how and what they will do this thing!”

    3.1.8. Remembered? Do you remember that unshaven answered you? - Do not wrinkle your forehead! Nothing answered! Said nothing. And you didn’t hear that. And, so pleased, he drove with the seller to wash the deal. And he was sure that all the unkempt ones had already run to sweat. Shchaz! Nobody even moved. The silence of the programmer is never a sign of consent. Did not know? Here they are geeks. Include this fact in your picture of the world! ONLY AGREEMENT OF THE PROGRAM IS A SIGN OF AGREEMENT. Well, sorry, they geeks. Moreover, no one was sweating, did not even strain! What is the point for them to scatter as much as you like if you raised the bar twice as high as the official world record?

    3.1.9. So, now there’s more news! And she is even worse than all the previous ones! YOU ARE IN TROUBLE! For this period, we definitely won’t do your project. We can all quit tomorrow, and you will hire new progres. But nobody will do your project anyway! And this is never a risk. This is a real problem! And you will not solve this problem, even if tomorrow you find another 20 geeks. Because the world of software development is not only non-deterministic, but also (you will be surprised!) And NONLINEAR. In this world, “2 + 2 = 4” is the exception rather than the rule. Here, more often 2 + 2 is only 1, well, or 2, but sometimes it can be 10. You are in trouble! You have come to a world in which nine pregnant women do not give birth to a baby in one month, despite all the rumors and overtime you love.

    3.1.10. What? Demolishes the brain? Oops ... you haven’t read Brooks ?! Urgently run to learn the materiel, if you have not decided to start an IT business.

    3.2. About the problems

    3.2.1. Where did you get that I came to you to solve YOUR PROBLEMS? That I will run after you with a fire extinguisher, like a child with matches, and put out everything that you set fire to? Shchaz!

    3.2.2. I came to you so that you HAVE NO PROBLEMS with development! And I know how to do it. Because the problem is a materialized risk. And I know everything about risks. Well ... or almost everything.
    3.2.3. And if you will not just listen to me, but try to hear what I tell you, then there will be no problems. Neither you have me nor me!

    3.3. About people

    3.3.1. Next news. Your IT business will be worth something if you have a team! More precisely, TEAM!

    3.3.2. Do you know that in our industry over the past 20 years, the share of successful projects (those that are on the budget and on time) is only one third? And this proportion has not changed over the past 10 years. And this is no longer an accident, but a manifestation of law. Let it be unknown until now (this is again a hint of unknown risks if you do not understand).

    3.3.3. So there you go! The success or failure of your project, and therefore your entire business, is 100% dependent on these unkempt and unshaven ones. And you thought the value of your business is an office with a parking lot and a stylish interior, computers and capital investments in CMMI level five? Forget! IN OUR BRANCH, CAPITAL IS PEOPLE!

    3.3.4. Another piece of news exclusive to you, since you have not read Brooks. So, experience in our industry is nothing. The performance (this is the number of features tested per unit time) of two uncombed ones with the same experience can differ by 10 times. He wrote this back in 1975. Yes, I know that you weren’t in the world then. But not knowing the laws does not cancel these laws ... And recently Glass also shared his observations - the difference in productivity can be up to 30 times.

    3.3.5. More bad news. No one knows how to distinguish these people until he chants.

    3.3.6. And there is news and worse. The performance of the same unshaven, depending on the conditions in which he works, can also vary 10 times. Surprise?

    3.3.7. So here. For your business to be successful you need a Team. A team is something like a sewing machine. You press the pedal, and she scribbles like a machine gun! A team is just the case when 2 + 2 = 10! And only the Team can ensure the competitiveness of your business and constantly put your projects in a third of success.

    3.3.8. Do you want me to be responsible for the result? - Then I, and only I, will determine who will be in the Team and whom to fire nafig. And no matter what your friend this one, whom you should not dismiss. Because one black sheep can ruin my entire basket of apples.

    3.3.9. More news. Very bad or worse - you decide. Do you think that unshaven and unkempt people are hired to work for you in order to achieve the goals written in the mission of your company? Or, at least, in order to chop up more dough for you? - Forget! Each unshaven has his own personal goals. And I have my goals. And together with you, each of us is exactly as long as we, rowing your loot, get closer to our goals. Here is a theory of cooperative games. Am I not very smart?

    3.4. About money

    3.4.1. With what fright did you decide that I work for you FOR MONEY? - For the sake of money, it's call girls who work.

    3.4.2. I do not work for money. But FOR MONEY. Did you feel the difference?

    3.4.3. And if I decide tomorrow that you don’t value my work enough, don’t wait, I won’t come to ask for anything. You just get a statement “on your own,” and I'll go help the boss of another IT company make money.

    3.4.4. Nothing personal just business. Here he is with an employee. And an intelligent IT manager, like Petrykin, is required on every pillar!

    3.4.5. Do you know why you pay me? “Because I know how to make a sewing machine.” And you are not. I not only know, but also know how to make them, and have already done dozens of them (re-read my resume, eh?) And you pay me to make such a machine for you too, so that it scribbles and does not break, and you I’d only press the pedal.

    3.4.6. About the sewing machine. Well, everything is simple. I tell you. It is necessary to find all the necessary details. Then put each detail in its place. Establish interactions between them. Well, there, so that all drive belts are correctly tensioned, there should not be any large backlash between the gears. And you can scribble! True, it will creak and search a bit, until the parts are ground, while the extra cloves break off. So scribbling it at first will not be very fast and not very even. But six months later - scribble, I do not want! Well, there, lubricating with a motivator and replacing worn parts is also my concern.

    3.4.7. So, you and the salesman came up with another mega-product “CD-ejector AI” of the Type, Sidi-ejector with artificial intelligence. “Class! Blow up the market! No one has that! ” And scribbled him. On a typewriter. But he did not fly. Well, really. Not a single sale. Even bots go to the site . Well, and who is to blame that your business is not profitable? Sewing machine? What a fright?

    4. Make an agreement?

    4.1. I AM NOT A FAN, I AM A PARTNER. And we are in ONE BOAT. Well, of course, while you and I are on the way.

    4.1.1. You risk your money.

    4.1.2. And I - my reputation.

    4.1.3. New money can be earned.

    4.1.4. And what about the new reputation?

    4.2. Come on,

    4.2.1. You will determine what and why we are doing. This is your business. Want a CD-ejector AI 2.0? - Ok, stitch!

    4.2.2. And I - WHEN AND WHY. And this is my business. What? Scared? Cheating? - Well, we, it seems, have already agreed that, like, in the same boat. The point is I substitute you and drown the boat?


    4.3.1. Because I can make everything from software that does not contradict the laws of physics.

    4.3.2. And even that which contradicts. But this is already very expensive.

    4.4. And further. YOU CAN'T HELP PROGRAMS - GO OUT DO NOT DISTURB. And this is the last!

    Also popular now: