Corporate Sandwiches

    - Greetings, colleagues! - Evgeny Viktorovich smiled broadly, standing in front of the assembled audience. - Today we have - a momentous day. First of all, this is the first strategic session with our new director, Nikolai Ivanovich. Secondly, we make significant changes in the format of the session itself, and the period of strategic planning will now be not a year, but three at once. Well, I will not get ahead of myself - Nikolai Ivanovich, you have the floor!

    - Yes, hello colleagues. - the director rose from the chair and stood next to the owner. - The format will indeed be different. As they say, every new broom ... Let me introduce the moderator of our meeting - Olga Razumova, a very intelligent specialist in the organization of sessions! I personally recommended it to the MBA! Olga, great!

    Now it became clear that the fashionable aunt was sitting in the corner with a slight smirk. She rose, imposingly walked along a large white board, attached to the director and owner.

    - Yes, gentlemen, welcome! - I heard a vulgar, unusual Moscow accent. - I will be the moderator of today's meeting, and let me proceed to my duties. First, have everyone gathered?

    Sat top managers began to look around.

    - Where is Sergey? - asked the owner.

    - Sandwiches are eating. - answered Marina.

    - Sergey, what a kindergarten! Shouted Yevgeny Viktorovich.

    From around the corner a CIO appeared. In his hand was a sandwich - fashionable, cut into a triangle and pierced through with a plastic skewer. Sergey's mouth was full, a stupid smile spread across his face. Having reached the place, sitting on a chair, Sergey, as he could, quickly perched.

    - Sorry, the sandwiches in this hotel are very tasty. We need to hold our meetings here and play games more often, just like on a holiday I go every time.

    - Stop clowning! - Marina said quietly and sternly, the director of quality, who was sitting with Sergey at the same table.

    - A che me. - whispered Sergey. - I have a week left, even though we eat buter. Who came up with us to put us at the same table? Well you eat me with shit.

    - You will be surprised what we have come up with for you. - the owner who heard their conversation said loudly. - Wait till dinner.

    Sergey blushed a little, confused and looked at the table.

    - So! - Olga continued. - Before, as far as I know, you worked on the strategy all together, as a team (the owner nodded). Modern techniques, in particular - scrum - have long deduced that the size of a team should be managed. There are about thirty of you here, and this is not a team, but ...

    - The herd ... - it was heard ... Where did it come from? All heads turned, but the source was not found.

    - Well, the flock is so flock. - smiled Olga. - Self-irony is a strong quality inherent in real leaders (with these words Sergey, for some reason, looked up from the table). But, the optimal team size is from five to nine people. That is why we arranged you on the tables, and did not put the chairs in rows, as you used to.

    - There is such a joke. - for some reason, said Marina. - He is loved by quality consultants.

    - Share? - Olga came closer.

    “Well, I don’t know, he's a matershinny ...” Marina hesitated.

    - Not ssy, epta. - suddenly blurted out Olga. - We are all adults here.

    - Okay. Gathered sales managers, thinking how to improve their performance. Someone proposed to rearrange the tables so that they would be on Feng Shui - they say, better sales will go. And next to the cleaner the floors of soap, and he says - I used to work in a brothel, and there, when sales fell, they did not rearrange the beds, but b ... they changed me. Sorry for the mat.

    - Perfectly! - exclaimed Olga. - Bayan, of course, but I like your mood!

    - Well, you ... - Sergey whispered delightedly. - Not expected!

    - Your school. - Marina smiled.

    - So, we broke into teams. - Olga continued. - Each team will be responsible for part of the strategy. The first part of the work is today, it will be a general brainstorming session. We will collect ideas, carefully write down everything, discuss and so on. Then, during the week, each team will prepare its own piece, and the leadership, based on your work, will draw up a general strategic plan for three years. So, Evgeny Viktorovich, announce the breakdown?

    - Yes. - the owner came forward. - Team number one - sales strategy, team number two - product strategy, team number three - production development strategy, team number four - logistics and cooperation strategy, team number five - personnel strategy, team number six - business process strategy.

    - Where are we? - Sergey whispered, leaning over to Marina.

    - What do you think? - Marina smiled. - Quality Director and CIO what, will the sales strategy be written?

    - What about business processes?

    - Well ... Everything is quiet!

    - And the rest of the guys here why? - Sergey pointed his head at Vasya’s logistics director, Tatyana’s HR director and Valentin’s financial director, who were sitting at the same table.

    - How do I know! - Marina hissed angrily. - Quiet!

    On the stage in front of the big board the action was already unfolding. They dragged the flipchart, loaded it with paper, Olga picked up the markers and prepared to write.

    “So, friends, we are starting a brainstorm!” She said happily. - The format is simple. Anyone who wants to come up with an idea for any part of the strategy raises his hand, I give him the floor for thirty seconds, and write down the sentence. Without discussions, without disputes - just write. Agreed?

    Everyone nodded dejectedly, but no one was in a hurry to pull a hand. This went on for several minutes. They began to rustle notebooks, many appeared urgent business in smartphones, most just stared at the floor, so as not to meet accidentally gaze with the teacher.

    - Well, be brave! - cheered Olga.

    - Let me start. - the director decided to break the ice. - Please write down such an item ...

    - Stop! - strictly said Olga. - The format is one for all. Raise your hand, I give the floor.

    Nikolai Ivanovich was a little taken aback, thought for a few seconds, and hesitantly raised his hand.

    - Oh, please! - Olga readily went to the flipchart and prepared to write.

    - I propose to introduce a 5S system in production. This is a good, useful technique that ...

    - Stop! - Olga raised her free hand. - No explanation! Just write it down!

    “Okay ...” the director hesitated, and with small, unhurried steps, retreated to his chair.

    - I have an offer! - shouted from the spot Sergey.

    - Where is the hand? - Olga shouted in response. - Men, hands under the table do not hold, it can be misinterpreted!

    Sergey raised his hand, waited for an invitation to speak, got up from his chair.

    - I suggest nothing more to offer!

    - Interesting. - Olga smiled and scraped with a felt-tip pen on the paper.

    - Stop, wait! - the owner has risen from a chair.

    - Arm! - Olga shouted.

    - The hand will wait. - strictly said Yevgeny Viktorovich.

    - Rules, Evgeny Viktorovich! - Olga did not let up. - One for all, remember?

    - I remember, we will make an exception. I insist, Olga.

    - Then I'm for a sandwich. - offended Moscow moderator said.

    - Sergey, explain. - the owner turned to table number six.

    - Well ... you are not tired yet? Every year the same thing. We all know what will happen now. Sellers will offer to sell more, production workers will produce more, suppliers will buy more. There would be a ballerina, would offer more fuete twist.

    - Uh, do not supply suppliers! - I heard the voice of Vasya, director of logistics. - We will definitely not offer to buy more, we will stock the warehouses.

    - Well, offer to buy less, what's the difference? - Sergey smiled. - You can, without hesitating, get the materials of the past, or before last strategic session, rewrite everything to a flipchart and go together to get some boaters. What is the time to waste, pouring from empty to empty? I apologize, but since we already have such a tone: do not want to shit, do not torture your ass.

    - The tone we have not developed, and I will not tolerate it. - the owner strictly replied. - Here you are not drunk admin friends. I appeal to all. They laughed, and that's enough. We are not a pleasure event, but a serious meeting. The fate of the company is decided. I can not alone decide in which direction and how we will develop. For this, I hired you, top managers and managers to share responsibility with you. And, Sergey, you are no longer right - look at the only item that has been recorded so far - implement the 5S method. I was at all strategic sessions, and I remember exactly that there was never such an offer.

    - According to such proposals it is possible to judge who read the list for the summer. - Sergey smiled. - You always say that managers should read books, we even have a smart library, with business literature. Well, who offered to introduce some new technique, with an incomprehensible name in English, he fulfilled your message - read something.

    - An interesting analogy. - smiled Yevgeny Viktorovich. - So, Nikolai read? But no, he recently came ...

    - Nikolai Ivanovich studied at the MBA. - Sergey answered. - There all these letters from the teeth bounce off like our father.

    - And you, Sergey, read business literature? - slyly squinting, the owner asked.

    - Of course.

    - Come on, come on, suggest something from the reading ...

    - We will write down?

    - Yes. Olga! Shouted Yevgeny Viktorovich.

    Olga, with a sandwich in her hand, quickly ran out from around the corner. I got to the flipchart, looking around. Finally, not finding the best solution, carefully put the bottle on the shelf for markers.

    - So write down. - Sergey began. - The first is to introduce scram in the design department. The second is to introduce TOC in the supply. The third is to introduce Velocity in the same place. In the same place - categorical purchase. In the service of QMS - SPC, FMEA, functional cost analysis, boundary management, in the sales department - Lean, in marketing - growth hacking, in production - six sigma, Kanban, Brilliant ...

    - What is this? - Olga stopped.

    - Soviet production quality management system. - Sergey answered, then smiled. - And the rest of the name did not bother you?

    - No, I was embarrassed by the choice of sales department for introducing Lean. This is somehow ... Unusual.

    - So we are just paper mara. - Sergey shrugged his shoulders. - Anyway, we will not introduce anything.

    - What else is there to write? - Olga asked.

    - Yes. In accounting - controlling, in the financial service - budget-free planning, in the planning and dispatching department - MES, at the same time - OKP and brilliant beauty.

    - What? - Olga stopped again.

    - Saw, Shura, saw. Write it down, Olga, write it down.

    - No, I'm really interested.

    - “Luntik”, the seventh series. We have the so-called abstract planning mechanism, now it is used by suppliers, even if they dispatcher dispatcher.

    - Okay. - Olga shrugged and recorded.

    - So, further ... - Sergey began.

    - Pot, do not cook! - Marina said. - Enough!

    - Yes, perhaps that's enough. - smiled the owner. - Thank you, Sergey. Olga, tear off this sheet and give it to me. We will write on the new. About the 5S method can not be transferred.
    When Olga figured out the flipchart and prepared to record, an awkward silence fell again.

    - May I? - Inna, head of the marketing department, timidly raised her hand.

    - Of course! - Olga supported.

    - I propose to take part in the exhibition of oil and gas equipment in Houston.

    - Stop, wait! - the owner jumped up again. - Olga, do not write it down! Enough already these exhibitions! Inna, I understand your desire to travel around the world at the expense of the company, but I am not ready to bear such costs anymore!

    - But Yevgeny Viktorovich! - Inna countered. - Exhibitions are a key element of marketing in our business! Our customers do not sit on the Internet, but at the exhibition ...

    - No, no, no! You tell me this every year! Here I agree with Sergey. Brazil, Argentina, Bolivia, Colombia, China, Oman, Emirates, Korea, USA, Canada, even Kazakhstan! How can?

    - The budget of the exhibition in Kazakhstan is very small, only twenty thousand rubles ... - Inna mumbled.

    Yevgeny Viktorovich caught his breath. He paused for a moment, took a deep breath and exhaled a couple of times, then suddenly smiled and began fumbling through his pockets. Not finding what I was looking for, I looked around, saw my beautiful leather briefcase, picked it up from the floor and took out a purse. Rummaged a bit, took out a few orange bills, threw on the table.

    - Here! Twenty thousand, Inna!

    - What why?

    - Take and bring me forty!

    - How?

    - How how? Isn't that marketing? Spend money to bring even more?

    - I will not bring tomorrow, there is a payback period ...

    - I'll wait! In a month, bring it! In a year! Bring something!

    Inna's eyes made tears. Having got a little crumpled, she sat down on a chair, took out a handkerchief from her bag, began to clean herself up with a pocket mirror and with trembling hands.

    - Yes, I apologize. - confused Evgeny Viktorovich. - Inna, sorry, I did not mean to offend you. But understand me too.

    - I understood, Evgeny Viktorovich. - quietly said Inna.

    - We will discuss with you later, okay?

    - Yes, as you say.

    - Friends! - suddenly entered Olga. - On this sad note, I propose to interrupt! And the time has come - coffee break! Meet in fifteen minutes!

    The participants of the event grandly, proudly, with straight backs, began to slowly rise from the chairs.

    - Butera! - Sergey shouted, jumped up and quickly moved to the tables with food.

    Chastity and pride disappeared. At first timidly, then more and more confidently, top managers accelerated their strides. A queue quickly lined up to the tables - and not evenly, but only to those places where triangular sandwiches lay on large plates, with melted cheese, ham and lettuce leaves.

    - And really taste, Shergey! - with a mouthful, Tatyana proshamkala, standing next to Sergei.

    - Oh yes, you are the first time. - Sergey, after five bouters, was already content with tea. - Order more, and then our gentlemen will arrange a riot.

    - Yes, sickening. - Tatiana nodded. “Sheysh’s gonna ring up.”

    - So, what have we got here? - rubbing his hands, the director approached the table.

    “Uh ...” Sergey, who was standing nearby, hesitated. - Do you know a joke about food in a big family?

    - No, tell me. - answered Nikolay Ivanovich, looking at the table and quickly souring.

    - No, okay, she is again a matershinny ...

    - But what a difference, it won't be any worse.

    - No, I decided, I will not. Butera ran out, wait a bit, Tatiana went to order more.

    - Oh, sorry ...

    The rest of the eaters looked around guiltily, especially at the owner, who also did not fit the tables yet - he was talking about something to Olga. Some colleagues, who managed to take a few sandwiches on a platter, looked at the director, then at their stocks, but no one dared to make an offer.

    - So, friends! - Olga went to the tables. - Yevgeny Viktorovich and I decided to change our program a bit, since we didn’t work out right away with brainstorming. Now, after the break, we will play a team building game!

    “Your mother ...” muttered Sergei.

    - And what is wrong? - whispered the director who was standing nearby.

    - Now find out.

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