How many programmers do you need to have a cup of coffee
The last 28 years of my life was an endless series of transfers from place to place. And for some reason, this trend slowly (though maybe quickly) flowed with me to a new place of work in the form of tradition every month with friends, that is, the IT department, code-named URKPO, to move from room to room, from building to building , hoping to find a better place for himself under Shcherbinkovsky, which the sun never peeks out from behind the clouds.
In one of the transfers, we managed to work next to the corporate coffee machine and, at the same time, addicted to regular coffee libations in the morning and evening hours. In general, we did not make any revolution, but simply confirmed the research of British scientists that in order for something to become a habit, you need to do this for three weeks in a row. Therefore, when a month later, as part of the next move, we were sent to work in the elite place “Plaza”, we began to suffer quietly.
Our suffering was so strong, and the dripping tears so often disabled the keyboard and were so inhibited from writing code that our project managers decided to equip us all with a coffee machine in order to fulfill the quarterly plans.
After long hours of choices, extending from an electric Turk to professional coffee machine machines like a coffee bean on a Brazil plantation to a cup in a Moscow restaurant, we decided that we couldn’t choose anything and agreed to lease the machine.
It sounded tempting. Like a spa romance. No obligations - and always delicious coffee.
But immediately the first unpleasant nuance became clear - to rent a coffee machine, you had to have a Moscow residence permit in your passport with you. Part of us hid our age and marital status - therefore, I didn’t want to give out passports, part of my passport was lost or selected for some working documents, some of my passports did not have the inscription Moscow, and it just happened to me that my red passport was lying on the table in a prominent place, because 3 minutes ago with the help of it I tried to check the straight lines I have drawn on the diagram or not.
Very quickly, we entered into an agreement with the young entrepreneurial owner of the IP, who said that it was a great honor for her to supply coffee for programmers and that she was already flying out with a new machine to us. Very quickly, just that the next day in the evening, an elderly man came to us, explaining that the lady could not. And very quickly, stimulated and inspired by gently threateningly hanging Ferezhka’s key next to the drop database command Seryozha’s finger, I signed a long-term lease agreement without transferring ownership.
Using the machine was easy, and besides, we were very helpful. Therefore, they explained to us the purpose of all four buttons, performing 51 commands in just some 30 minutes, unlike previous stupid saleswomen, whose training, according to our middle-aged man, left him an unimaginable 32.5 minutes. Well, also to me, compared - IT-shnikov and sellers of tights, of course we are smarter!
Unfortunately, when he left and we were left alone with the machine, it was no longer possible to remain in the office, because the last 11-hour bus was leaving for civilization, and we decided to try coffee the next day in the morning.
In the morning, having bought sugar and marmalade, having taken a coffee cup and saucer from home, I arrived at work in 15 minutes to have time to drink coffee in peace and quiet.
But I was far from alone. Four, including Seryoga, who was crunching with his knuckles, and Ilya clicked heavily with his mouse, crowded around the machine.
- Hi! - I said. Skip to the baby? I'd like to try. So I brought sugar.
- Wait, we decide how we will charge cups of coffee.
- What?
- We decide how we will charge.
- But we donated 400 rubles each yesterday? Isn’t it easier to just donate 400 rubles a month and not charge anything?
- Here you are a woman, you can see right away, only adapted to waste! 400 rubles a month! You think what they can mean to people. This is a monthly subscription to Netflix! This is a percentage on a loan for a multicooker! This is, after all, a three-hundred-minute unlimited on MTS-e.
- Uh ... but maybe 400 rubles is easier than that? Did you ask the others? Sure it won't suit them?
- Yes, what is there to ask. And so it is clear that it will not work. There must be a differential system. Everyone will pay in proportion to the number of cups drunk. And the one who drank a cup that exceeded our monthly volume of coffee will switch to a higher tariff, because it will have to reorder a new portion. Now we are just sitting, we are calculating the integral to understand the correction factor and then after which cup it is introduced.
- That is, you can’t drink yet?
- Of course not! Although, let’s we write you one cup on credit. Please leave a receipt.
I went for a piece of paper and a pen.
But Seryozha has already moved to the next level.
- Not. It is not a matter of marking everything on paper. And suddenly someone will sign up for you or these pieces of paper will mess up or their cleaner will throw it away. You need to create a table in Google documents and before each cup you will come up to one of us and he will mark you. Moreover, we will conduct distributed computing, since I can confuse something. Having checked in with me, you will also have to check in with Maxim, and then we will compare our tables.
- Good.
I took another step toward the coffee machine.
“No, there is nothing good,” Ilya intervened. - Are we IT techs or not? Let's write automatic reconciliation of tables. I will make a parser that will parse them and compare them line by line. If something is different, it will send notifications.
- Yes, write. A good idea. Although not. It won’t work. Suddenly, one of us will not be there, but she will want coffee? It is necessary that the human factor is not needed. It is necessary to automate the marking. I have a Raspberry Pi at home - we will connect it to an NFC scanner, lock it to the typewriter, and it will be elementary to get a cup of coffee. Just attach a pass - and that’s it. And if you don’t attach it, it just won’t flow.
“Where will we get the Raspberry Pi?”
- I have at home. And the wife is at home. Now I’ll type her, she will bring. All. So far - no coffee pause. We are working. Have a drink later.
We all withdrew to workplaces. The coffee machine smelled viciously of dusted grain. I wanted coffee. And every 15 minutes we glanced with hope out the window - and if Seryozha is not going to the wife with our salvation from the caffeine.
Closer to dinner she arrived. Two Elijah immediately rushed to code something. Two hours later, we again gathered around the typewriter to cut the red ribbon and drink the first cup.
“No, well, we can't start like that.” It is necessary that bonuses are awarded from each cup - then everyone will drink more cups and pay with a higher coefficient! In addition, you need the opportunity to buy for someone on credit - in case contractors come to our meeting room without passes.
- You say the thing. Let's do.
- Come on. Simple, in a simplified scheme. Each cup has 1 ruble bonus.
- And how to write them off?
- Then we decide. Let's just save them for now.
- So what about coffee as a present?
- Here - so that no one spends excess on coffee as a gift, you will need to write off bonuses.
Then we raise the price of the cup so that we have a reserve fund formed.
- Yes, we raise by 2 rubles.
- So only one goes with bonuses ?!
- One in reserve. At the expense of intelligence and fueling new ideas.
We parted again. From my old memory, I wrote a simple accrual of bonuses to pass numbers. Things began to approach in the evening. At 17 o’clock, 30 minutes before the end of the working day, we again gathered at the typewriter. Everyone was with cups, but they kept them timidly, not really hoping that today they could manage to drink coffee.
First came Natasha.
“No,” the others began again. - What if other departments find out about our idea and want to repeat it? We need to replicate it ourselves throughout the company. To patent coffee for the pass and then use it. Otherwise, no interest. All will repeat.
- Yes, let's replicate and put in all the offices where they like coffee. Take a commission for this. A small, but then our coffee will definitely pay off and you can not celebrate, but just drink it every day
- Come on! Let's!
- Let's call our Know-How “One-touch Coffee”.
- No, it doesn’t sound beautiful! Something needs to be more interesting.
- For instance?
- Let's not embed a card, but face recognition and call it “Delicious coffee at any time - just wink”
- Yes. Perfect!
- Doing it?
- We do it!
- But as?
- Need a camera.
- I have a webcam.
- And with me.
- Here, drag it tomorrow. Let's make recognition.
The bell rang at the end of the shift.
It was time to disperse. We wiped the dust from the coffee machine and left a milliliter of Arabica tea slurping home. On the way I stopped at the cheburechny “U Ashot” and for 70 rubles I made a small cup of coffee in the sand from Karakum. I also bought a pack of pills for a coffee machine at home and drank a couple more cups in case (although, of course, there couldn’t be any such case, certainly not!), What if our business idea doesn’t take off tomorrow. And happy lay down tossing and turning from side to side, as falling asleep with an unusually high level of caffeine in the blood was unbearable.
In one of the transfers, we managed to work next to the corporate coffee machine and, at the same time, addicted to regular coffee libations in the morning and evening hours. In general, we did not make any revolution, but simply confirmed the research of British scientists that in order for something to become a habit, you need to do this for three weeks in a row. Therefore, when a month later, as part of the next move, we were sent to work in the elite place “Plaza”, we began to suffer quietly.
Our suffering was so strong, and the dripping tears so often disabled the keyboard and were so inhibited from writing code that our project managers decided to equip us all with a coffee machine in order to fulfill the quarterly plans.
After long hours of choices, extending from an electric Turk to professional coffee machine machines like a coffee bean on a Brazil plantation to a cup in a Moscow restaurant, we decided that we couldn’t choose anything and agreed to lease the machine.
It sounded tempting. Like a spa romance. No obligations - and always delicious coffee.
But immediately the first unpleasant nuance became clear - to rent a coffee machine, you had to have a Moscow residence permit in your passport with you. Part of us hid our age and marital status - therefore, I didn’t want to give out passports, part of my passport was lost or selected for some working documents, some of my passports did not have the inscription Moscow, and it just happened to me that my red passport was lying on the table in a prominent place, because 3 minutes ago with the help of it I tried to check the straight lines I have drawn on the diagram or not.
Very quickly, we entered into an agreement with the young entrepreneurial owner of the IP, who said that it was a great honor for her to supply coffee for programmers and that she was already flying out with a new machine to us. Very quickly, just that the next day in the evening, an elderly man came to us, explaining that the lady could not. And very quickly, stimulated and inspired by gently threateningly hanging Ferezhka’s key next to the drop database command Seryozha’s finger, I signed a long-term lease agreement without transferring ownership.
Using the machine was easy, and besides, we were very helpful. Therefore, they explained to us the purpose of all four buttons, performing 51 commands in just some 30 minutes, unlike previous stupid saleswomen, whose training, according to our middle-aged man, left him an unimaginable 32.5 minutes. Well, also to me, compared - IT-shnikov and sellers of tights, of course we are smarter!
Unfortunately, when he left and we were left alone with the machine, it was no longer possible to remain in the office, because the last 11-hour bus was leaving for civilization, and we decided to try coffee the next day in the morning.
In the morning, having bought sugar and marmalade, having taken a coffee cup and saucer from home, I arrived at work in 15 minutes to have time to drink coffee in peace and quiet.
But I was far from alone. Four, including Seryoga, who was crunching with his knuckles, and Ilya clicked heavily with his mouse, crowded around the machine.
- Hi! - I said. Skip to the baby? I'd like to try. So I brought sugar.
- Wait, we decide how we will charge cups of coffee.
- What?
- We decide how we will charge.
- But we donated 400 rubles each yesterday? Isn’t it easier to just donate 400 rubles a month and not charge anything?
- Here you are a woman, you can see right away, only adapted to waste! 400 rubles a month! You think what they can mean to people. This is a monthly subscription to Netflix! This is a percentage on a loan for a multicooker! This is, after all, a three-hundred-minute unlimited on MTS-e.
- Uh ... but maybe 400 rubles is easier than that? Did you ask the others? Sure it won't suit them?
- Yes, what is there to ask. And so it is clear that it will not work. There must be a differential system. Everyone will pay in proportion to the number of cups drunk. And the one who drank a cup that exceeded our monthly volume of coffee will switch to a higher tariff, because it will have to reorder a new portion. Now we are just sitting, we are calculating the integral to understand the correction factor and then after which cup it is introduced.
- That is, you can’t drink yet?
- Of course not! Although, let’s we write you one cup on credit. Please leave a receipt.
I went for a piece of paper and a pen.
But Seryozha has already moved to the next level.
- Not. It is not a matter of marking everything on paper. And suddenly someone will sign up for you or these pieces of paper will mess up or their cleaner will throw it away. You need to create a table in Google documents and before each cup you will come up to one of us and he will mark you. Moreover, we will conduct distributed computing, since I can confuse something. Having checked in with me, you will also have to check in with Maxim, and then we will compare our tables.
- Good.
I took another step toward the coffee machine.
“No, there is nothing good,” Ilya intervened. - Are we IT techs or not? Let's write automatic reconciliation of tables. I will make a parser that will parse them and compare them line by line. If something is different, it will send notifications.
- Yes, write. A good idea. Although not. It won’t work. Suddenly, one of us will not be there, but she will want coffee? It is necessary that the human factor is not needed. It is necessary to automate the marking. I have a Raspberry Pi at home - we will connect it to an NFC scanner, lock it to the typewriter, and it will be elementary to get a cup of coffee. Just attach a pass - and that’s it. And if you don’t attach it, it just won’t flow.
“Where will we get the Raspberry Pi?”
- I have at home. And the wife is at home. Now I’ll type her, she will bring. All. So far - no coffee pause. We are working. Have a drink later.
We all withdrew to workplaces. The coffee machine smelled viciously of dusted grain. I wanted coffee. And every 15 minutes we glanced with hope out the window - and if Seryozha is not going to the wife with our salvation from the caffeine.
Closer to dinner she arrived. Two Elijah immediately rushed to code something. Two hours later, we again gathered around the typewriter to cut the red ribbon and drink the first cup.
“No, well, we can't start like that.” It is necessary that bonuses are awarded from each cup - then everyone will drink more cups and pay with a higher coefficient! In addition, you need the opportunity to buy for someone on credit - in case contractors come to our meeting room without passes.
- You say the thing. Let's do.
- Come on. Simple, in a simplified scheme. Each cup has 1 ruble bonus.
- And how to write them off?
- Then we decide. Let's just save them for now.
- So what about coffee as a present?
- Here - so that no one spends excess on coffee as a gift, you will need to write off bonuses.
Then we raise the price of the cup so that we have a reserve fund formed.
- Yes, we raise by 2 rubles.
- So only one goes with bonuses ?!
- One in reserve. At the expense of intelligence and fueling new ideas.
We parted again. From my old memory, I wrote a simple accrual of bonuses to pass numbers. Things began to approach in the evening. At 17 o’clock, 30 minutes before the end of the working day, we again gathered at the typewriter. Everyone was with cups, but they kept them timidly, not really hoping that today they could manage to drink coffee.
First came Natasha.
“No,” the others began again. - What if other departments find out about our idea and want to repeat it? We need to replicate it ourselves throughout the company. To patent coffee for the pass and then use it. Otherwise, no interest. All will repeat.
- Yes, let's replicate and put in all the offices where they like coffee. Take a commission for this. A small, but then our coffee will definitely pay off and you can not celebrate, but just drink it every day
- Come on! Let's!
- Let's call our Know-How “One-touch Coffee”.
- No, it doesn’t sound beautiful! Something needs to be more interesting.
- For instance?
- Let's not embed a card, but face recognition and call it “Delicious coffee at any time - just wink”
- Yes. Perfect!
- Doing it?
- We do it!
- But as?
- Need a camera.
- I have a webcam.
- And with me.
- Here, drag it tomorrow. Let's make recognition.
The bell rang at the end of the shift.
It was time to disperse. We wiped the dust from the coffee machine and left a milliliter of Arabica tea slurping home. On the way I stopped at the cheburechny “U Ashot” and for 70 rubles I made a small cup of coffee in the sand from Karakum. I also bought a pack of pills for a coffee machine at home and drank a couple more cups in case (although, of course, there couldn’t be any such case, certainly not!), What if our business idea doesn’t take off tomorrow. And happy lay down tossing and turning from side to side, as falling asleep with an unusually high level of caffeine in the blood was unbearable.