Honest Programmer Resume

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Section 1. Soft Skills


  1. I am silent at meetings. I try to make an attentive and intelligent face, even if I do not care.
  2. People consider me positive and negotiable. I always politely and unsteadily report that it is written in task to make kaku. And only once. Then I do not argue. And when I finish the task and it turns out to be what, I do not laugh, and do not say "I spoke!"
  3. I don’t care which kaku to skip. If the customer were interested in my opinion, he would not have hired a project manager, a product oouner, a scrum master, an agile gentleman and a UI designer. These hipsters even form all kinds of opinions, visions and marketing chips.
  4. I am disciplined. I come to work at 9 and leave at 6. I feel so comfortable. I can be late for double payment or if the task is interesting.
  5. I have a good sense of humor and rich life experience. I can easily disrupt the team’s work for half a day with stories of how my Saturday went. But I do it rarely, because I think that I’m paid not for this, but for me to skip a thread of kaku.
  6. I turned it around your timlidism, you yourself know where. I myself can skip some kind of kaku, but with a smart look explain to my subordinates that they should do some kind of kaku above my strength.
  7. I am simply amazing in the presentations. Especially if you need to present an unfinished bottom. I masterfully bypass bugs at the presentation of the program. Once, for two hours, I presented the login window, because the program did not work further. And the login did not always work.
  8. When everything bothers me, I quietly quit, but don’t go to departments and don’t go "Everything is bad, we are on the bottom, everyone is fools."

Section 2. Hard Skills


  1. Inheritance is a godly thing if only 1 child is inherited from the pope.
  2. I use encapsulation only when the Idea is underlined in yellow and writes, this method can be made private. Same thing with final.
  3. I have never used volatile, finalize, and many others.
  4. I do not care what to use: ArrayList or LinkedList. I always use ArrayList.
  5. I can not use getters and setters in Java if I know that no one will read my code. person.name = "john". If I know that someone will read it, I'm shy.
  6. I still did not understand why interfaces are needed in java, except for callback and lambd. All examples with their use are far-fetched and I can make it easier without them.
  7. I do not know how gc works, I have never used it. In general, for 6 years in my memory he was mentioned only once. In addition to interviews, of course.
  8. I have a turnip on the github, but I won’t show it to you. She is my personal, and I skin there as I want. You don’t go home in a tailcoat, come on?
  9. I can and I love to skip the front if I'm tired of the back. I already forgot the reaction and fell behind. But I seem to remember Sencha.

Section 3. Achievements


  1. I made 3 sites that fewer people visited than it did. When I made 2 sites I knew that no one would visit them. (It was expected that they would take over the world)
  2. I made three web applications (ExtJs-Java-Docker) of which two were never deployed in the prod, but I used one twice. (It was expected that they would take over the world).

    When I did them, I knew that it would be so, because I do not believe in users who learn a 20-page manual by heart, I myself presented my work with a printed manual in my hands.
  3. I made a native android application of 8 screens, in which no one went further than the second, it was downloaded 107 times in the Google market (it was expected to take over the world).
  4. Once I fixed the highest-bug for two days, and then I realized that no one had visited this section of the site for about three years. And it was a very healthy section of the site, which spent a lot of man-hours.
  5. I spent about a week for the combo box to go not from above, but to the right.
  6. I led 4 people and we did one project for half a year, which I alone could do in a week. And yes, this is the project from paragraph 2.
  7. I set up query caching in Mongu on an application that has one person a day.
  8. I did a corporate email client, despite the fact that there are hundreds of free ones and all were better.
  9. I did pixel idealization (or what is it called?) At the front.
  10. I redesigned the Material UI library for React because our Kurgan UI freelance designer decided he was better at design than Matthias Duarte, Google’s vice president of design, bachelor of computer science with honors from the University of Maryland, with extra . art education and art history, head of the Maryland Student Art Gallery.

    I never understood why to remake the good things that smart people did for you and gave away for free, especially if you are obviously dumber.
  11. I made a feature for a month, which, with the most optimistic calculations, would have fought back 437 years. (ordering mops for a cleaning lady) at ERP.
  12. I reworked one kaku from scratch 7 times, because the TK was changing. As a result, she became worse than she was.
  13. For 4 hours I figured out why the penny in the bill was rounded incorrectly, moreover, I knew in advance that I could not fix it, otherwise the balance would not converge.
  14. I did a microservice to increase the reliability of the main business logic, and yes, this microservice crashed 20 times more often than business logic.

    But then they made a whole department of 12 people to increase the reliability of this reliability microservice, and now the microservice crashes 20 times more often, makes half-time transactions and loses data without a trace. When I quit, they decided to make a reliability microservice for reliability microservice.

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