These toxic guys: they poison projects

    We make a cautious assumption that you want to get satisfaction from work, to implement interesting and useful projects for adequate remuneration, from time to time to rest with the understanding that life does not go in vain.

    Ah ha, no matter how wrong! What a boring life without a fight? So that you do not relax, toxic guys and girls stand guard over your vitality and constant tension in all sphincters (yes, I did not forget about them either, don’t think).

    So, I offer my fundamental research of the problem to the scientific community. Below you will find a small atlas of these fantastic creatures, their characteristic signs and ways of their destruction of the working process, as well as safety rules, antidotes and other methods of neutralization during project work.

    Cockroaches Corporate (toxicity:)

    Habitat and habits:
    Plant in large corporations, in small companies take root poorly. Cockroaches need to run a lot and approve re-approval of agreed approvals. Maximum movements with negative benefits.

    Implications for the project:
    You need to understand if there is anyone alive, or just cockroaches. If only insects, then the project will not move anywhere, and it is inappropriate to hope for any changes for the better. If, apart from cockroaches, someone else is doing things, then somehow you can go, but with pain.

    Ways of protection:
    Science is unknown large companies without Corporate Cockroaches. If you want without them, then work in small ones. Cockroaches devour your enthusiasm, job satisfaction, good mood, and the meaning and benefit of the entire project. Constantly take tests for the content of these components in your life. If it catastrophically falls, you need to move in the direction of places with a lower concentration of corporate insects. Do not have time to look back, as it turns out that writing reports and other meaningless actions take 80% or more of your working time. Do you grow as a specialist, get experience? What have you learned? Reports to write?

    Kiso Kislomordoye (toxicity:)

    Habitat and habits:
    It occurs everywhere: both among customers and clients, and in your team. Kiso on the client side is dissatisfied with the quality, timing, price, sales, contract, service. Kiso in a team is dissatisfied with your qualifications, your salary, your position. Often whine and complains about you: the boss, lawyers, procurers, colleagues. In the spring, as well as during the menstrual cycles, X10 can be added to aggression and X100 to toxicity. Menstrual cycles are pronounced in both female and male individuals. After a vacation or payment of bonuses, it happens that Kiso will gloom for a couple of days, but do not be deceived by this.

    Implications for the project:
    Only one Kiso on the side of the customer, customer or management can poison your project so much that the whole team will run away or go into the binge, or die from exhaustion on the 1024th revision, and the office will go bankrupt.
    If the team Kiso one, then it is dangerous no more intestinal parasites. And if there are several individuals in a team, run from there into the night, only carpet bombing will save the situation.

    Ways of protection:
    There are people who believe that they can scratch Kiso Kislomordoe behind the ear. Recent randomized, placebo-controlled studies have shown that all of these are indigenous beliefs and nothing more. The so-called ear combers go about usually battered, tortured and poisoned. Best of all toxic kitty dismissed as soon as possible. If you do not have such an opportunity, then try mi-mi-zirovat communication. If this does not work, then it is necessary that Kiso Kislomordoye was sitting in a cage of rigid rules and agreements. As soon as approaching - immediately with a shock!

    Sporun Violet (toxicity:)

    Habitat and habits:
    Often found in freelancing and in small companies. Since corporations require individuals with good ability to lizoblyudstvu, Sporun Vyatlovidny poorly takes root and reproduces in such conditions.

    Consequences for the project:
    Sporun Diatype, unfortunately, is a dangerous catalyst for the toxicity of other more poisonous species. If you have a toxicological vivarium in your project, then Sporun can take care of other creatures, give them unprecedented inspiration, as a result of which the project will rot right before our eyes.

    Ways of protection:
    Sporun Datalid is dangerous only for fauna with thin skin. Obsolete individuals with a thick viscous outer cover quite easily pull it onto the globe by slowly and consistently inserting a finger into the anus in the process of public choral reading of technical assignments and other documents line by line. Once stretched Sporun for some time is easily stopped, even with a transparent hint of repeated line-by-line administration. There is a positive effect: other poisonous reptiles, watching the massacre of Sporun, temporarily lose a fair share of toxicity and even try to enroll in peacekeepers.

    Oskorblyan Ordinary (toxicity:)

    Habitat and habits:
    Oskorblyan is a satellite of Kiso Kislomordogo - it draws inspiration from it. See Kiso? Soon you will see and offended. Sometimes these two fuse together and produce disgustingly toxic creature. However, usually, Kiso disdains, therefore keeps a distance.
    Oskorblyan must throw in, otherwise he does not feel necessary. Do not call a spade a spade, so to speak. You have written not according to GOST! Obviously, you did not study in a technical university! Yes, you probably never worked with normal clients! Yes, you just do not know modern techniques! Yes, you are not just innovative!

    Implications for the project:
    Oskorblyana prot change horses during the change of horses due to the general worthlessness and disrepair. As a result, the ends are not found. Who was doing what? Who were these people? Probably, archeologists will sometime tell us about this, but not earlier than Oskorblyan will be drank from the project, because archaeologists ... What are these archaeologists? It's just some kind of grave-diggers!

    Ways of protection:
    Do not argue with Oskorblyane! Even if you really, really want to! For this there is Sporun Dyatlovidny, let them have fun, and we will work a little while they are both busy.
    It is better to ask him, and what he means by the word GOST and the word “yo!”. It is clear that “Fuuu! You, here, do not even know such simple things! And we came here to learn! ”Well, but still? And here it turns out that Oskorblyan is a fizruk by education ...

    Lizobud Extraordinary (toxicity:)

    Habitat and habits:
    It has a long slippery tongue that can penetrate even the most tight sphincters of the boss. On the one hand, it moves towards the smell of money and nishtyakov, on the other hand, the Unbelievable Lizoblyud can be found even in extremely nischebrodskih regions - apparently, he stuck his tongue in the middle and got stuck.

    Implications for the project:
    Blocks feedback from the team to the leader, turning it into sugar and sticky honey. Two or three assholes, and the intoxicated top-manager is no longer capable of anything. Excellent cohabitation with corporate cockroaches, in its mucus, they fumble even more slowly.

    Ways of protection:
    Well, what can I say? Keep the anus shut! If you do not relax under hypnosis and demand it, then it turns out that the Unsurpased Lizobuds are usually quite capable of working.

    Redirector Irresponsible (toxicity:)

    Habitat and habits:
    It is found in the manual. Evolves from the Unusual Lizoblyud. Since he does not have a developed brain, he is forced to use the mental abilities of those around him. He quickly remembers other people's “clever words” and begins to translate them in conversation with others almost literally, which may lead to temporary confusion of a specialist and even make him believe in his professionalism. The poorly developed brain is compensated by a hypertrophied chuyka. The redirector instantly and accurately catches the slightest changes in the mood of the top management, and any flaws, if they happen, will be smoothed out with their nimble wet tongue.
    It is possible to correctly recognize the Redirector by emails and messages in the messenger with one link (without context), a screenshot or, at best, accompanied by one word: “Look !!!”

    Consequences for the project:
    Redirector Irresponsible eating your work time just on an industrial scale. As the name implies, he adores redirection: letters, tables, estimates, documents - without any indication of what is required of you, and then redirect your answer to someone else. At the same time, he manages to quarrel between two employees who are about each other neither sleep nor spirit. In a monstrous stream of spam, an important introductory message from the client will inevitably sink from him, which he will send in one link or file without comments, which you will find out at the final look at the project. But you cannot make him responsible for this fact, since he immediately forwarded everything - what complaints could there be to him? The forwarding channel is by mood: today is the instant messenger, tomorrow is the mail, the day after tomorrow is SMS. Redirector's e-mail addresses are at least four:
    A client-side redirector is able to bring you to a heart attack. For example, send you a screenshot of the chat with a colleague, from which it may seem that your product is a complete shit. But in the process it turns out that the Redirector considers a fool armless colleague, not you.

    Methods of protection:
    The way of dealing with the Redirector has been used in the army and other security agencies for a long time and with taste: I received a redirect - forward it further. A link to analysts, a screenshot to designers, a table to financiers. From a selective mate on the other side, it will be possible, without delving into it, to understand what it was. Impatient: “I looked? !!” - we answer vaguely: “I have set the task!”
    If you love your team and colleagues, you will have to select a separate junior who will filter spam from important tasks. Although it is still a redirect.
    Toxicity is aggravated by the fact that you yourself can turn into a redirector: either gnaw and cry yourself, or mutate.

    Infernal procrastinator (toxicity:)

    Habitat and habits:
    Lives under the skin of engineers, developers, designers, content managers and art directors.

    Implications for the project:
    Very contagious, transmitted during meetings, as well as through mail and instant messengers. He is often carried by Lizobud with his dirty tongue and corporate cockroaches with dirty paws. It leads to despondency with interruptions to industrial conflicts and non-payment under contracts.

    Methods of protection:
    To quarantine and flog a belt! However, in the presence of the ubiquitous cockroaches and the all-pervading Lizoublya - it is almost useless. Only a strong team helps, in which the members infected with the Prokrastinator Infernal members begin to glow with phosphorus, which leads to a temporary pupation of the parasite until the next deadline.

    Handless suitcase (toxicity:)

    Habitat and habits:
    Occurs in every company without exception. Likes wet key points where it becomes temporarily indispensable. Protects them by the principle of a dog not hay.

    Consequences for the project:
    In order for something to somehow move, you need to walk and beg. If you incorrectly beg, you are offended; if you do not beg, you are offended; if you beg too hard, you are offended; if you beggard too little, you are offended. At the same time, which is doubly surprising, it does not tolerate Lizoblyuds.

    Ways to protect:
    At some point, you realize that it is easier to do yourself than to handle. Do not be afraid of problems with delegation, you can safely resist this temptation. Make a job for him once, a second, and then take the pissing rags and drive the brat out of use.

    Prostun Achotakovy (toxicity:)

    Habitat and habits:
    As a rule, it is found among linear performers with hands and junior executives, as well as freelancers. On the territory of the senior management of the client is effectively destroyed by lawyers and other departments of the Ministry of Standards and Prohibitions. However, in small companies it can grow to the degrees of known ...

    Consequences for the project:
    The danger of this parasite is that they can become asymptomatic and, if lucky, without consequences. But if you are unlucky, the project may be a department, or even the whole company will receive harm incompatible with life. For example, in the form of sources dumped in public in which the cloud of client money is enclosed. Well, what?

    Ways of protection:
    Be safe! In fact, any harmless animal may turn out to be Prostun, so even the cutest attractive face should be forced to sign an NDA, undergo training, take exams in life safety and undergo other circles of the introductory hell. Of course, it will poison the life of the rest of the team (this is another danger of Prostun - he definitely exists somewhere!), So hell must be heated in proportion to the size of what can be lost at once, otherwise the whole team will run away from you.

    Perfectionism Non-Resilient (toxicity: ☣☣)

    Habitat and habits:
    inhabits in ... another department, so that it! Sometimes, in the accounting department ... Now I will explain: “We will not sign your certificate of completion, because on one of the screenshots of the hundred screens that we asked you to insert into the accounting documents, we noticed unevenly standing buttons! Please check all the screens for button flatness and arphographic errors! ”(Author's spelling is preserved). And it can not be influenced in any way! He is in another department!
    Also often this reptile settles in the individual customer.

    Implications for the project:
    And happiness was so close! Some 90 days of deferred payment under the contract, and the money should have come to your account ... But instead, the art director, layout designer, account manager, courier, secretary, mobile developer ... leave the company under the “Farewell Slavyanka” march ... Yes and you yourself with them. Why live like this?

    Ways of protection:
    First page! I beg you, with a microscope, check the first page! Fortunately, Perfectionism is only enough for the first page, so if everything is perfect in it, then there is a great chance to slip. But if you have a single typo in the whole project, and it is, of course, on the first page, then you will be thrown documents in the face, the layout (PDF and web interface are also thrown - do not hesitate!) With the wording: “There are solid school mistakes! Where, look for yourself! How could you pass the project without even bothering to read it ?! I will not look at anything else until I check everything thoroughly! ”
    However, there are also especially fierce critters who read everything, and only a secateur will help here.

    Itaksoydun Mountain (toxicity:)

    Habitat and habits:
    It is found at nuclear power plants, many copies in the army, the navy, in construction and of course in IT.

    Consequences for the project:
    If somewhere through “F” we sometimes have a crust tore off, and under it is the Itaksoidunov family with Lizoklyudami and Sporun, and corporate cockroaches sizzle on you. You think: “Here, crooked, but it worked! And what did I get there ?! ”

    Methods of protection:
    It is recommended to plant Itaksojduna together with Kiso Kislomorda or Perficionismus in the hope that the first one will become a little less crooked, and the other two will perform decisive apoptosis.

    Reschedule Handy (toxicity:)

    Habitat and habits:
    Most often found in sales departments and near top management habitats. It is easy to recognize him by the uterine gurgle: “Comfortable, convenient! Are you comfortable? Everyone is comfortable! Convenient-convenient! Wonderful! ”And appearance - he always looks contented, even with an aspen stake in his side.

    Implications for the project:
    Like many poisonous species, it feeds on your working time, but, unlike most of them, it does the most harm to plans and pipelines, because it loves to move something from place to place, and then change its mind and bring it back. Most of all she loves to postpone meetings, convened and meetings. At the same time, he sincerely believes that it is convenient for everyone, and you are just an egoist, since you do not care about universal convenience.
    Dressure does not give in - science knows no cases of successful training of individuals of this species to report on transference in advance. It was not even possible to teach Transfer to simply cancel the appointments he had appointed - they themselves break down in the process of constant transfers, simultaneously burying your work day completely.
    And still Transfer very much like to transfer buttons. Here, you used the service, attachment or some other tool for a year or two, got used to it, and poke into the right buttons without looking. And then hop! - update, from where did not wait. And there is no your button. And where is she? Shifting moved to make it easier for you.

    Ways of protection:
    So far, it is known about one way to influence the Transfer of the Convenient - to scream at him: “No, it is NOT convenient for me!”. It does not save from the transfer, but he grumbles: “Conveniently convenient” - it is no longer so loud and annoying.

    Investurus Promise (toxicity:)

    Habitat and habits:
    Astral creature that exists in deep space. From time to time, it condenses into the physical body in London or, at worst, in New York and flies to your city for a few hours, so it considers that you should drop everything right now and run into his sticky arms.
    Hypnotizes you with the essence of dough, the sounds of obsession with the topic you are interested in, hallucinations of incredible global success with it. Every time it shuts off your brain somehow in a new way, and you inexplicably spend three to four working hours for a cake and a cup of coffee. Out of politeness, you still decide to “count”, and Investor Promisekus dissolves without a trace in the air until the next lunar eclipse.

    Implications for the project:
    Investurus is parasitic on the minute weakness and unconscious desire to solve the problems of the project with a wave of a magic wand, and not through hard work, resourcefulness and ingenuity. It slows down the acceptance of inevitability and postpones the right steps for business development. Feeds false hopes. However, this can also be a positive effect in the form of anger and a desire to “show them all what they missed”.

    Ways of protection:
    Immediately talk to him about the money and ask to pay for the work done. If you are trying to pretend to be a partner, say that you give partner prices - for your customers it is much more expensive. From this Investurus Promisekus immediately sad and the next time will appear in a much longer period of time. But there will be a must!


    As you may have guessed, I am a seasoned toxo-zoologist, and I have seen a lot in my lifetime: I had to drastically drape from the feral menstrual Kisa and write TK in a bank teeming with Corporate Cockroaches among the sly tongues of Lizyoblyud who felt me ​​in all places.
    It was even necessary to enter into an unequal battle with Oskorblyan, Redirector and Sporun.
    But you know what I tell you. Chin up! The project will collapse, and you still live and live. Take care of yourself!

    In my traveling bag, along with a gas mask, there are such antidotes:
    1. Poisonous creatures are afraid of TK as fire. Read my article "Without TK . "
    2. The clarity of the TK will add X10 to the resistance: “High Definition TK” will help you.
    3. What happens in the poisoned Oskorblyan and other dangerous types of team, I wrote here: "How to get rid of smart employees in your company"

    UPD: New species proposed in the comments:

    Sudimus Psychologius
    Inventor Napoleonic
    Such shitty dudes
    Prokrastinatus Boltologichesky. (Tox. 1b.)
    Ethilophil Duncardic (tox. 3b.)
    Rapid ProtoJunior Fearful Repenting
    Nostradamus Nephew Toxicity 1-2 units.

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