Corporate chat

    - Friends! You climbed over the wall and became a dream team! - spoke enthusiastically Evgeny Viktorovich. - From now on, you will never work like before! Only together, shoulder to shoulder, despite the difficulties and hardships!

    The enthusiasm of the owner has not yet passed on to the managers gathered in the hotel restaurant. After overcoming the wall, people were tired, dented by some. Some furiously cleaned their clothes, jackets and trousers, fouled over with dust in three hours.

    “But the wall is just the beginning!” - the owner continued. - After all, we need not only a large, friendly team, but also a good, warm, sincere relationship between all of you. We can not let personal relationships take place, so - please!

    And the owner pointed to the tables. Unlike previous visits to this restaurant, today the tables were not random, but in two long rows, like at a wedding. But the main difference was the spoons and forks, which ... It was not.

    People, taking the owner's gesture as an invitation, began to slowly move towards the tables.

    - Wait! Shouted Yevgeny Viktorovich. “Noticing anything?” There are no spoons, how are you going to eat?

    People stopped - stupidly, like a herd of cows at the click of a shepherd’s whip. Nobody asked, did not say, even the facial expressions have not changed. Just stopped and waited for what will happen next.

    - And I'll give you spoons now! - said Yevgeny Viktorovich and went to the wall.

    A large black bag, about a meter high, tied with duct tape, stood against the wall. For some time the owner fumbled, opening the package and, finally, took out the spoons. Very unusual.

    First of all, their length was amazing - about a meter. Looking closer, Sergey realized that spoons are the most common, just attached to wooden sticks with thin steel wire.

    - Please, please, friends! - shouted the owner. - Disassemble spoons!

    A simple team was executed quickly - everyone came up and took a spoon. Began to examine them, twirl in their hands, try for strength wire connection.

    - Now that's what. - continued Yevgeny Viktorovich. - Ksenia, where is the list?

    A young pretty girl, an office manager, quickly jumped to the owner, rummaged in her bottomless bag and took out a folded paper in half. I gave it to Evgeny Viktorovich, and took my place in the crowd.

    “I feel that something is wrong ...” Sergey said quietly, turning the spoon in his hands. After thinking for a few more seconds, he said already louder. - Evgeny Viktorovich, can I not eat lunch? I never dine at all, I have this mode.

    - What? - the owner was surprised. - What is the mode?

    - Well, lunch is evil, all the forces of the body are distracted by digestion, and work efficiency drops sharply. I will not be able to be helpful in the afternoon if I have lunch.

    - And what, we now also hunger sit? - Marina entered. “Since the body’s forces are distracted ...”

    - No, it only concerns me. - answered Sergey. - Well, really, I do not want.

    - It is necessary, Sergey. - firmly said the owner. - This is not a simple lunch, but team building. All objections are not accepted. If this is a big problem, eat at least a salad.

    - Didn't Ksenia cook him? - Sergey asked anxiously. Tatiana, standing next to her, imperceptibly nudged him with her elbow under the ribs.

    - Hmm, what's the difference? - Evgeny Viktorovich frowned. - But not at all, everyone cooked in a restaurant.

    “Though thanks to that ...” muttered Sergey.

    - So, well, everything? - asked the owner, referring to the crowd. - No one else on the diet, with an ulcer or enuresis?

    Silence answered no.

    - So. - Evgeny Viktorovich unfolded the sheet. - We are arranged in two ranks, opposite each other. But not in a chaotic manner, but as I say, so that pairs are formed. The first pair is Sergey and Marina.

    “Bliiiin ...” Sergey moaned. - Why Marina?

    - Because you are like a cat with a dog. - smiled Yevgeny Viktorovich. - And after this dinner you will be like ... A cat with a cat.

    Sergey foolishly, shuffling with his feet, stood in front of Marina, who smiled slyly and gently, but playfully said: “Meow, my cat!”. Sergey hastily turned away.

    Evgeny Viktorovich read the entire list, and the crowd assiduously lined up as it should.

    - So! - clapped hands joyful owner. - I want you to take care of each other today, as mothers do with their children, or elderly, grandmothers and grandfathers who love each other. You will feed each other with a spoon.

    The owner was silent, looking from one leader to another. When I stopped at the end of the line, and did not see any reaction, I continued.

    - To feed from a spoon is easy, therefore - not very interesting. But to feed with a meter spoon, sitting on the other side of the table - this is a real concern, which forces you to exert all your strength, to put your soul into what you are doing. The rules are simple. One eats, the other feeds. The one who eats cannot touch anything with his hands - neither the spoon, nor the plates, nor the table. Clear?

    Silence answered again that everything was clear.

    - Well, then I ask to the table! Determine the sequence yourself. First one of the pair eats, then the second.

    People began to sit down. The first few minutes, no one dared to start feeding, just looking around at each other. But, when the pause became awkward, they began to eat.

    More precisely, not to eat, but to feed, i.e. perform an active action. They scooped up the salad and tried to get into his partner’s open mouth. It was problematic to do this - the spoon is long, shaking, the food falls on the table and clothes. The first pig faces appeared - to whom they hit with a spoon on the cheek, someone in the forehead, someone even pecked at the salad.

    Gradually, everyone understood that it was necessary to change the active principle - to move it from the nursing to the eater. Scoop scoop food, lift and hold as smoothly as possible, without trying to get into the mouth. And the eater just grabs a spoon with his mouth, like a mountain ash bird from a tree.

    Now the process went faster and safer. Although, the spectacle, of course, was disgusting - wide-open mouths, in which could be seen the tongue, teeth and caries. But, as in the game with the wall, people already had no difference - if only it would end quickly.

    Lunch consisted of three dishes - salad, soup and mashed potatoes with a chop. With the salad coped quickly - it was securely fastened already dried mayonnaise. The longest were messing with the soup - no matter how hard you try, it was constantly spilled on the tablecloth.

    When it came to the second, immediately there were many vegetarians who refused to cutlets. At the same time, and from mashed potatoes - it was, as in Turkish and Egyptian hotels, not from potatoes, but from a package. Of course, they refused not because of the taste.

    - A compote, too, scoop a spoon? - Sergey asked when he fed Marina everything that was on the table. - And with the bread of difficulty ...

    - I do not eat bread! - Marina said, chewing on a cutlet.

    - Indeed ... - Evgeny Viktorovich frowned, walking along the tables and not taking part in the dinner. - Ok, I will make you a favor - you can take compote with hand and drink.

    - Not, but let's spoon! - Sergey smiled. - Well this is such a challenge!

    - Well, whatever you want. - the owner shrugged. - Let's each couple decide how to deal with compote.

    - Our couple decided to take compote hands. - strictly said Marina. - So the blouse does not wash away from the beets ...

    - You are boring. - Sergey bounced off. - Shoot, shoot like this ...

    - Shot back already. - Marina slyhidnichala. - You have a week left.

    When the dinner ended, there was a queue to the toilet - everyone wanted to wash. Sergei did not get in line - he managed with napkins from the table.

    - Sergei. - rang out from behind.

    - BUT? - turned Sergey. - Who is calling me?

    Olga stood behind. During lunch, she sat in the corner of the hall, and ate with a regular spoon, in splendid isolation.

    - Let's go talk. Now is just a break.

    - And I am ...

    - Come on, do not extinguish. - Olga took Sergei by the sleeve and led to the side. - Do not eat.

    Sergey obeyed. We left the restaurant, wandered through the corridors, and finally stopped at the hotel lobby. There was no one except the girls at the reception desk in the lobby, so you could have a quiet conversation. Sergey sat on the sofa, Olga took the place opposite. Between them stood a small coffee table with a glass top.

    - So, let's be friends immediately. - Olga began. - We will talk like an IT person with an IT person.

    - Are you an IT specialist? - Sergey frowned. - I thought a business coach.

    - Come on "you", ok? It's easier and faster.

    “Okay, business.” Are you an IT person?

    - Yes. I work in a company ... (here Olga said the name known to the entire Russian IT community).

    “Oh, fuck up ...” Sergei was genuinely surprised. - My personal mail you have been spinning for fifteen years ...

    - Say the address, read. - smiled Olga.

    - Not ... And you ... Ie. who are you there?

    - In general, I enter the board of directors. Position will not be called, it is not so important.

    - And how did you get to Chelyabinsk?

    - Nick said, they recommended him to me at the MBA. I read the course there. So met. Invited to facilitate and moderate your strategic session.

    - What to do?

    - Facilitate. Just do not say you did not hear that. Scrum, Edgyl, no?

    “I know that, but the fascists ... How?”

    - Facilitate. - slowly, clearly said Olga. - To facilitate, organize, simplify the work of the team so that it quickly achieves its goals.

    - So you have us here, facilitated?

    - Yes. I also do this in the company - and I am facilitating myself, and teaching others - scrum masters.

    Sergey was silent, then, for no reason at all, smiled broadly.

    - What? - Olga asked.

    “Yes, I remembered the anecdote ...” said Sergey, and he smiled even wider. - You are more careful with such words in Chelyabinsk.

    - Why? Severe Chelyabinsk men? They can not be facilitated?

    - Yes, so I ... Okay.

    - What a joke?

    - Terribly vulgar, I will not tell.

    - Yes EPT ... Come on, just hint.

    - Okay. The battlefield, heaps of defeated enemies, stands on the hill Ilya of Murom. Holds the palm of the visor, looks around the neighborhood - isn’t where else the enemy hid? Here he sees - someone runs in small steps, slouching, skinny. That dohlyak runs up to Ilya of Murom. Who will you be? - asks Ilya. Slouchy answers - I am a journalist, can I have an interview? Ilya asks - what to take? Well, the interview ... - replied the journalist. Ilya stares at him intently, looks from head to toe, then he says - look like what the word invented ... Well, on, suck.

    Olga laughed so loudly that scared the girls with the reception. Sergey even turned red.

    - Ok, I will consider, for the future. - She said, laughing. - Chelyabinsk muzhiks will not facilitate, but they will not understand that way, they will even drag them off to the cave and make them ... Well, you understand.
    Sergey was embarrassed silent.

    - And you yourself - local? Also, severe Chelyabinsk man?

    - No, I'm even harsher.

    - Why? Where are you from?

    - From where wolves are afraid to shit. From the Kurgan region.

    - Where is it? Wait, Kurgan region ...

    - That's it, better not to know. Never go there if you want to live.

    - What's wrong there?

    - It is easier to list what is there - the fingers of one hand will suffice.

    - Well, all the same ...

    - Uranium mines, the disposal of chemical weapons, the river Techa, still fenced with barbed wire.

    - What a river? Why fenced?

    - Radioactive waste was drained into it after the Mayak accident. Bahnul in the Chelyabinsk region, and all the yummy went to Kurgan.

    - A, clear.

    - Well, in the appendage - the almost complete absence of industry, killed agriculture and universal drunkenness.

    - And what good?

    - Nature. Where there are no mines and chemical weapons. There is no industry, so nobody pollutes anything. Wild, primitive beauty. When I go there by car, I always meet roe deer. In Chelyabinsk never seen. Okay, enough about me. What did you want to discuss?

    - Oh, yes ... - Olga roused herself, gathered herself and continued. - Why are you so related to team building? Well, excluding facilitation. Well, there your men are harsh, production workers and the like, but what about you, IT specialist, should understand how important and effective this is?

    - So I understand. As far as it is not important and ineffective. These games work only for idiots who, because of their limitations, do not know how to distinguish between reality and fiction.

    - Explain ...

    - Hello, social schizophrenia ... I heard such a phrase?

    - Somewhere yes ... Where is it from?

    - There was one, Mr. Freeman. In one of the videos he told about how people behave differently, depending on the situation. Well, like at work - on the hind legs, in a cafe with friends - fun and puffed-up cheeks, and at home - sleep, snore, fart and drool. Well, the type here at home, in his bed, they are really real.

    - It will be necessary to reconsider ... Well, and what from this?

    - And the fact that social schizophrenia is not only evil, but also good. It works like the self-defense of a person against any heresy, like your games. An ordinary schizophrenic is considered sick because he does not distinguish between reality and illusion, and the social one even distinguishes it very much. And this is good.

    - Why?

    - Because otherwise he would have come to work, and began to crawl through the walls, or feed everyone with a meter spoon. Everyone understands - it's just a game. Well, like little kids. Do you remember such a word - make-believe?

    - Of course.

    - Adults forget this word, but its essence is not. Came home - you are one person, real. You eat, you wash the floors, you go to the store, you walk with the children. Came to work - you're a different person. Everything that moved you at home does not work at work, because work is such a game. If you play correctly, you will pay money. If it is absolutely correct, yes with cheats, or career steroids, the salary will grow.

    - With what? Career steroids? What is this?

    - There is such a book on the Internet. Honor, interesting. Although you are on the board of directors, you probably do not need it.

    - Right now, wait, I'll write it down. - Olga took the phone and scribbled something there. - Ok, and the games here and?

    - And this is another personality social schizophrenic. In the morning we sat and pretended that we were devising a strategy for the development of the enterprise. This is one game. Then they began to crawl through the wall - this is another game. Now they fed each other with meter-spoons - again a game. Three individuals went through each, three avatars.

    - That is, they are separate, so it turns out?

    - Well yes. There is some kind of diffusion, of course - something flows from person to person, from role to role, but in general they are isolated. Otherwise, a person will go crazy if he starts making presentations with a projector at home, scrubs floors at work, and sits down to shit during the game.

    - You have metaphors ... - Olga smiled.

    - Yes, I know ... But so, it seems, it comes better.

    - Well, yes ... So, it was all in vain? Today, in a sense? Diffusion will not happen?

    - Of course not. No one will ever rush to apply the methods and experience gained in the game, somewhere in his workplace. Work - separately, the game - separately. Well, I do not know ... Boxers are professional. In the ring, they blizzard each other, blood flies, and after the fight they smile, hug, and wish good luck in the next battles. In a fight no longer climb ... Well, except for some, what is his name there ...

    - I realized who you are. It sounds convincing, of course, but somehow ...

    - You can check.

    - How? - Olga has quickened.

    - Right now ... - Sergey pulled his phone out of his pocket. “They climbed over the wall, fed each other — all are now friends and brothers, right?

    - As planned - yes.

    - Here we check. We have a chat corporate in Vatsap, now I will open ... Here, look.

    - What to watch?

    - See, there are no unread messages? For the purity of the experiment.

    - Well, everyone is resting.

    - OK, we will not interfere. So ... through the bottle try.

    - In terms of? Will we drink?

    - Not. Wait a minute.

    Sergey turned the Watsup, and opened in the browser some page filled with different colored diagrams, multi-colored tables and inscriptions.

    - What? - Olga leaned forward through the table, and stared at Sergey's smartphone.

    - Bottle. Well, the type of company performance in real time.

    - Our?

    - In the sense of yours?

    - Well, this is our service? XXX companies?

    - No, not yours.

    - Whose? Yyy? (Olga pronounced the name of another very famous Russian IT company).

    - No, it's samopal. Wait, don't distract.

    - Can I see it too? - Olga did not let up.

    - Well, sit, look, I'm not driving you away ...

    - No, on my smartphone. Wait ... - Olga took her bag, rummaged through it and took out a tablet with an apple. - Give me a link, I'll look at the tablet.

    - There is confidential information.

    - Dig my tomatoes, I need your information ...

    - But, nevertheless ... Is there chrome?

    - Yes.

    - Run in incognito.

    When Olga launched the browser, Sergey picked it up, drove the address, login, password and, waiting for the graphs and tables to appear, gave it to Olga.

    - Actually, yes, it's even more interesting. I'll make a change now, you'll see them right away.

    - Yes, yes, come on. - Olga said, without lifting her head from the tablet.

    Sergey opened another tab in the browser, went into some console, rummaged, opened the document and started correcting the numbers.

    - What are you doing? - without looking, Olga asked.

    - The numbers here are taken directly from the coach, and get into it from the enterprise information systems. The frequency of exchange is 10 minutes. I see that the exchange has just passed, so the next one is in 10 minutes. I fixed some numbers right in the coach, see?

    - The data is updated written ... So what ... Oh, everything turned red.

    - Yes. It was yellow and green - well, like everything is normal or on the verge, and now it's red, i.e. everything is bad. Well, not everyone is straight, but some internal processes. Now let's wait.

    Sergey blocked the smartphone, and put it on the coffee table. Olga looked up from the tablet, and stared at Sergey with interest, sometimes looking at the smartphone.
    Two or three minutes passed in complete silence, when Sergei's smartphone suddenly vibrated, and the LED blinked with a white Watsup signal.

    “Well, it started ...” said Sergey, picked up a smartphone, unlocked and opened the watsup.

    - What is it?

    - Take a seat closer, read.

    Olga walked around the table and flopped down on the sofa next to Sergey. He searched in the settings of the smartphone, found the option to automatically turn off the display, set it to “never” mode, and put the device on the table.

    Contents chatika quickly replenished.

    Aleksey: Marina, what is again at the Quality Control Department?
    Marina: What is the problem?
    Aleksey: Look in the bottle.
    Marina: Alexey, I myself will figure out what and where to watch me. Speak straight.
    Alexey: The Prophecy Check. Again, the details hung on the Quality Department, and in the evening shipping.
    Marina: Nothing is stuck anywhere, stop talking to me! We got it already! OTC is the most disciplined service, always respecting the deadlines!
    Dmitry: Tell someone else ... They are disciplined.
    Marina: You forgot to ask.
    Alexey: Yes, Dmitry, you would keep your mouth shut.
    Dmitry: Why should I be silent? I almost lost a client because of this OTC last month.
    Eugene: So, stop the bazaar! Marina, I demand to immediately deal with the problems in the Quality Department. Delay in shipments is not allowed. I will not almond, the measures will be the most stringent!

    Suddenly, Sergei leaned forward, picked up a smartphone and started typing a message.

    Sergey: Friends, let's be kinder! The problem at the Quality Control Department is just another wall through which we need to climb!
    Marina: Sorry, of course, Evgeny Viktorovich, but I am tired of unreasonable claims! I am ready to incur punishment if OTC is really guilty of something, but I will not allow anyone to talk to myself in such a tone!
    Dmitry: What a tone you deserve, so they talk to you.
    Alexey: Dmitry, that's enough, do not wipe up like a jackal.
    Dmitry: Jackal, you say? Well, come to me again ...
    Sergey: Friends, do not quarrel, please! Remember what we have learned today! As we fed each other with meter-spoons, we laughed and wiped the soup off our face with napkins!
    Eugene removed Sergei from the chat.

    - Your mother. - Sergey said with a smile. - We will not see the final ... Although ...

    Sergey jumped up and ran out of the lobby to the street. A minute later he returned, but not alone, but with Tatiana.

    - Come on, Tatiana, rather, a smartphone on the table. - impatiently said Sergey.

    - In terms of? This is a robbery?

    - No, we want to know what is happening in our Chatika.

    - What is happening there? I don't know, my notifications are disabled.

    - Let's go already!

    Tatyana obediently took out the smartphone, opened the watsup, Sergey rewound it to the place where it was removed.

    Marina: And what did Sergey delete?
    Eugene: Yes, got already. Found time to snot dissolve.
    Dmitry: So he sort of said the case.
    Evgeny: Do you delete too?
    Dmitry: Whatever you want ...
    Evgeny deleted Dmitry.
    Alexey: Sergey is correct, it is still deleted. It will be necessary - add back.
    Yevgeny: Marina, what about OTC? I demand to resolve the issue immediately!
    Marina: I need the help of Alexey.
    Eugene: This is your area of ​​responsibility, decide the issue yourself. Otherwise, I will raise the question of your competencies.
    Marina: I see, thanks. I'll decide now.
    Alexey: Immediately, Marina. Soon the machine for loading will rise, and after the Quality Control Department still need to pack.
    Marina: Wait a minute ...
    Eugene: You can't wait! Solve the issue!
    Marina: The data was updated in a bottle. Alexey, where is your problem?
    Alexey: Now I will look.
    Alexey: Yes, strange, the delay is gone.
    Yevgeny: Marina, did you solve the question?
    Marina: It turns out that way. Or some kind of failure was.
    Eugene: Sergey, you have a question. Was it a failure?
    Marina: You removed it from the chat.
    Evgeny added Sergey.
    Sergey: Yes, soryan, there was a failure, everything is fine already.
    Eugene: approx.
    Marina: approx.
    Alexey: How have your failures already got ...
    Sergey: Who did you get them from?
    Eugene removed Sergei from the chat.

    - So what was it? - Tatiana asked, taking her smartphone from the table.

    - Imitation of a real problem. - Sergey smiled. - And a demonstration of team skills.

    “Hmm ...” Olga said thoughtfully. - Significant, thank you.

    - Contact.

    - Listen, and this is interesting. - Olga continued. - It will be necessary to come up with an exercise for training, a similar plan. Well, so that people sort of solve the real problem, in the form of a game. Just not to know that this is a game.

    - After such a game, you will be drafted in such a way that you will not reach home. - Sergey smiled.

    - We'll see. - Olga smiled in response. “Okay, let's go further.”

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