Death report

About the author. Peter Hinchens is a Belgian developer, writer and former president of the Free Information Infrastructure Foundation, an association that fights software patents in Europe. Author of more than 30 protocols and distributed systems, founder of the free ZeroMQ project and the Edgenet project to create a completely secure, anonymous global P2P network, executive director and lead programmer of iMatrix . The author of the books " Culture and Empire: the digital revolution ", " The code of the psychopath ", " Scalable C ", etc.

It's time for my last article. I could write more, there is time, but then I will think about other things: how comfortable it is to sit in bed, when to take painkillers, and about people around me.

Yesterday I had twelve visitors, including my cute little children. You may think that this is tedious, but in fact an endless stream of friends and beloved relatives is like a luxurious hot bath with an endless stream of fresh water.

I was an isolated and lonely young man. A bit autistic, I guess. I was only thinking about work, swimming, my pets, again about work. Thought that people might likemy company was strange. At least my work seemed to matter. We wrote code generators on Cobol. I wrote a code editor that the staff liked because it worked elegantly on everything. I independently learned C, the 8086 assembler and wrote shareware programs. So slowly passed the 90s.

Gradually, I realized that if you talk to a stranger during any fleeting interaction (buying a hotdog or groceries in the store), they will communicate with you with great pleasure. Slowly, like a creeping coffee addiction, it became my favorite drug.

Over time, this became the basis, and then the purpose of my work: to go to unfamiliar places and meet new people. I love the conference because there is no need to apologize. Everyone wants and expects a conversation. I rarely talk about technical matters. See the code if you want.

So I am proud of my real work, which has been going on for decades, to communicate with people, listen and share knowledge, and then combine it all and share with others. Thousands of conversations across Europe, America, Africa, Asia. I do not refuse the ratings that people gave me: creative, brilliant, etc. But in reality, all the models and theories that I have formulated and documented are consistently derived from real experiences with other people.

Thank you, my friends, for this. When I say that I love you, this is not a gesture. You literally provided me, professionally and intellectually.

So I want to write one last model, the last protocol, which is dedicated to how to die, having some knowledge and time in store. This time I will not format the RFC. :)

How did it happen

Technically, I was diagnosed with metastasis of bile duct cancer in both lungs. Since February, I started a dry cough, he was more and more exhausting and made it difficult to concentrate on work. In March, my father died, and we fussed, organizing everything. My cough completely put me out of action. On April 8, I went to my oncologist and said that I was not feeling well. She organized an operative tomography and blood tests.

April 13th - terrible bronchoscopy and several biopsies. April 15 - positron emission tomography. On April 16, I was supposed to go to Eindhoven and give an introductory speech at the NextBuild conference. Instead, I went to the emergency room with crazy side pains, where they did biopsies. I was received and given antibiotics, which removed the pain, and on April 18, my oncologist confirmed that it was cancer. I'm still here, and my doctors are thinking about what chemotherapy I should experience. This is an exotic type of cancer, according to which in Europe there is little reliable data.

What we know for sure is that cholangiocarcinoma practically does not respond to chemotherapy. Moreover, I have an aggressive form of a tumor that is spreading rapidly. In the end, clusters have already appeared in other organs of the body. And this is clear and reliable data.

So that day I told others about the disease and prepared for death.

Conversation with a dying person

It can be very awkward to talk to a dying person (let's call him Bob). Here are the main things that the other person (let's call her Alice) should not tell Bob.

• “Hold on! There is still hope, you have to fight ! ”We can safely assume that Bob is already struggling to do his best. And if not, then this is entirely Bob’s decision.
  
  
• “It's so sad, I'm so sad, please don't die!” My daughter once told me that. I gently explained that it is impossible to argue with the facts. Death is not a point of view. Being angry at the facts or being sad about them is a waste of time.
  
  
• "You can overcome this!" Anything is possible! ”So Alice expresses her hope. False hope is not a cure. Effective chemotherapy or relaxing soothing - that it is a medicine.
  
  
• "They say there is an experimental treatment." These are generally forbidden words for me, and thank God, that rarely have to hear them. Even if there is some miraculous treatment, its price and effort to find it (for others) is too selfish and disproportionate. With ghostly chances of success, as we all know. We live, we die.
  
  
• "Read this chapter of the Bible, it will help you." Such and rude, and aggressive, while tactless and arrogant. If Bob needs religious advice, he will turn to a priest. And if not needed, then why give it. This is another example of forbidden aggressive words.
  
  
• Engage in a slow conversation. This is a passive, predatory form, asking Bob new and new questions about small, stupid things like “I woke you up?” Bob is unlikely in the mood for such an idle talk. He either wants the physical presence of loved ones, or something interesting (see below).

Most importantly, do not need to call and cry on the phone. If you are ready to burst into tears, then hang up, wait ten minutes, then call back. Crying is normal, but self-pity is the most dangerous thing that threatens Bob. I learned to manage emotions, but most of the Beans are vulnerable to this.

Here are things that Alice can say and that will raise Bob's mood:

• Stories about old adventures that they experienced together. Remember those times? Oh, damn, of course, I remember ... so it was great !
  
  
• Medical details. Chained to bed, Bob is likely to be obsessed with all medical rituals, personnel, medications and, most importantly, his illness. I'll come back to what Bob should tell later.
  
  
• Help Bob with technical details. Dealing with life requires a lot of effort and the participation of more than one person.
  
  
• “I bought your book,” assuming that Bob is a writer like me. It may be flattering or sincere, in any case will make Bob smile.

Most importantly, do not express emotions other than happiness, do not add problems to Bob.

Bob's duties

We'll have to work not only Alice. Bob also has obligations under this protocol. Here are at least some of them:

• Be happy. It may sound trite, but it is very important. If you become gloomy and depressed, Alice will suffer every time in your presence.
  
  
• Clearly deal with affairs. I had been expecting death for several years, so I found a replacement for myself in everything I could. For a family, it is impossible to find a replacement. For work, yes, and over the years I have removed myself from a key role in the ZeroMQ community.
  
  
• Get rid of any torment and expense wherever possible. For example, in Belgium euthanasia is permitted. I have already asked my doctors to prepare (Not now! When the time comes ...). I asked people to come and say goodbye to me before death, and not after it. Without a funeral. I donated my remains to the local university if they need it.
  
  
• Be realistic. Hope is not a cure, as I have already explained. If you talk to a doctor, let him be as pragmatic as possible, it’s in mutual interest. I told my doctors that they could try any experimental chemotherapy they wanted. For them, this is valuable data, at least I can somehow help the system that gave me more than five extra years of life.
  
  
• Assume the worst. When my oncologist saw the results of tomography, he called and said his subjective opinion that it was cancer. In both lungs, everywhere. I put the phone down and told the children. The next day I was informed at school, then to my lawyer, then to the notary. Ten days later, a biopsy confirmed the diagnosis. So I got ten extra days of grief and preparation time.
  
  
• Be honest and do not hide anything from others. Grief takes time, and it's much easier to survive Bob's death if you can talk about it with Bob himself. There is no shame in dying; it is not some kind of failure.
  
  

Explanations with children

My children are 12, 9 and 5 years old. Tragedy, and so on and so forth. Grow without a father. It is a fact. They will grow up with my DNA, with my endless performances on Youtube and books.

I explained this to them very carefully, and many times in recent years. One day I will not be. This may not be soon, or will happen earlier. Yes, all people die, even you, little Gregor, death is a part of life.

Imagine that you have a Lego box, and you built a house and saved it. Then you build new houses, but you never destroy old ones. What will happen? "The designer is in the box, daddy." Damn it, yes. Can you build houses after this? "No, actually." We, too, are like Lego's at home, and when we die, our pieces fall apart and come back to the box. We die, and new people are born. This is the wheel of life.

But the most important thing I think is that children should see their parent joyful and relaxed (not because of the pain-killers) and say goodbye to him in recent weeks. I am grateful that I did not die suddenly. I am so grateful that I did not lose my mind.

And I taught my children to swim, ride a bike, roller skate, shoot. Cooking, hiking, living in a tent. Use technology without fear. In three years, Gregor played Minecraft, the keyboard in the left handle, the mouse in the right. At seven, Noemi learned to fire a pistol. They speak several languages. They are confident and learn quickly, like their dad.

And everyone should understand what is the departure from life. This is the key knowledge of a full-fledged person, the adoption of someone's death. We fight for life, of course. And when the battle is over, we take death. I am happy that I can teach this lesson to my children, I did not have such a lesson.

Euthanasia

In the end, I'm so glad I didn't leave Belgium. This country allows the withdrawal of patients at will for patients with incurable diseases or if they have a rather low quality of life. In the first case, the decision of one doctor is necessary. In the second case - the consent of the three doctors and a psychiatrist, as well as four weeks of waiting.

My father chose this option and died on Easter Tuesday. Some of us, his relatives, were with him. This is a simple and peaceful procedure. One injection sent him to sleep, to whom. The second stopped his heart. It was a good way to die, and although I did not know about my illness then, I already wanted to die that way.

I am extremely surprised that in 2016 only a few countries allow this, forcing people into barbaric tortures of disintegration and destruction of their own bodies. This is especially true for cancer, the leading cause of death. Find an opportunity in your own jurisdiction to lobby for the right of man to a worthy death.

My attitude to this

I have never been a coward. My last encounter with death was so everyday for the whole concept of occupational and social risk that I became the predatory character that Allen Ding describes so well . It became quieter when our killer project in the “Game of thrones” style still ended. It was never true, I just became so briefly to do the work, at that time and in that place.

Having years to prepare for the care, I realized a great many delicate plans during this time, so I am completely satisfied. Since 2011, I became an expert in pistol shooting, taught myself to play the piano (and composed many small compositions), saw children grow up and turn into happy, eager personalities, wrote three books, prepared the ZeroMQ community for serene self-sufficient work. What more can Bob ask for?

The staff here is great. I have no complaints, only gratitude to all my friends for the years of joy that you gave me, the medicine that supported my life and energy.

Thanks you! :)

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Note: in Russia, euthanasia is prohibited.