How to behave with heavy people

Original author: Tony Schwartz
  • Transfer

Each of us has his own lens through which he sees the world. In this article, we will tell you about three types of lenses that are worth trying when you are exposed to negative emotions .

Do you have a person at work who constantly provokes you? Not listening? Attributes to himself the work you have done? Takes your time with his trifles? Puts himself a know-it-all? Talking only about himself? Are you constantly criticizing?

Our main emotional need is to feel our worth, to feel that you are valued. And if we do not feel this, it unsettle us, upsets the sense of balance, confidence and well-being. Speaking of primary instincts, this can cause a feeling of threat to our existence.

This is especially felt when the person with whom you have difficulty communicating is your boss. The problem is that one who is at the head of other people is often revealed from the bad side.

“Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” said Lord Acton in 1887. “There is nothing worse than a sinless bearer of power.”

The easiest and most attractive way out when we feel underrated is to play the role of a victim. Accusing others of feeling ill is a kind of self-defense. Whatever happens is not our fault. Shifting responsibility to others, we feel better for a while.

By exposing yourself as a victim, you are faced with the problem that you are missing the opportunity to influence your own situation. And when it comes to people you find it difficult, the bitter truth is this: you cannot change them. The only person you can change is yourself.

Each of us has his own lens through which he sees the world. We call it reality, but, in fact, it is a selective filter. And we have the opportunity to look at the world through other lenses. There are three types of lenses that you should try when you are exposed to negative emotions.

Lens of realistic optimism.Using this lens, you need to ask yourself two simple questions when you feel that you are being treated badly or unfairly. First: "What are the facts in this situation?" Second: “What story do I tell myself about these facts?”

Making this distinction allows you to abstract away from your own perceptions, rather than go about it. It also provides an opportunity to look at the situation from the other side.

Realistic optimism, a term coined by psychologist Sandra Schneider, means: telling yourself the most encouraging and inspiring story about the circumstances and look for an alternative way of seeing the situation that will ultimately satisfy you. Another way to find an alternative is to ask yourself: “How would I behave in this situation, doing everything I can?”

Reverse lens. This lens involves looking at the world through the lens of the person with whom it is difficult for you. This does not mean that you need to sacrifice your view of the world, you just need to expand your horizons.

Surely, the one you perceive as a heavy person, looks at the situation differently than you. Using a reverse lens, you should ask yourself: “What does this person feel, and how does this make sense?” Or to formulate the question more clearly: "What is my role in all this?"

Oddly enough, one of the most effective ways to regain your significance when it is at risk is to find a way to penetrate the views of a person who, as you think, devalues ​​you. This is called the ability to put yourself in the place of another.

Like you, others tend to behave better when they feel that they are being noticed and appreciated - all the more, insecurity is usually what primarily causes people to behave badly.

Telephoto lens.Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is the one who unduly torments you, and using the reverse lens method does not help here. He invariably ascribes to himself the work you have done.

When your current circumstances are undeniably bad, the telephoto lens gives you the opportunity to temporarily forget about the present and imagine a better future. Start with the following question: “No matter how I feel about what is happening now, how can I grow and what can I learn from this experience?”

How often does what once seemed terrible to you become completely nonsense after a few months or even opens up wonderful opportunities for you and sets a new positive direction?

My former boss fired me. At that moment I felt terrible, but this event pushed me out of my comfort zone, which, as it turned out, was really necessary for me.

Looking back, the story I am telling myself is this: I learned a lot and learned a lot from my boss because of his shortcomings, and now it helps me a lot. From my point of view, I can understand why he considered me a problem worker, and at the same time I do not feel devalued. And most importantly, the dismissal prompted me to make a decision - the founding of the company, which I now lead. And this decision brought me more happiness than any work that I have ever done.

PS We recommend another article on the topic - How I managed to achieve a feeling of happiness during work .

Translation by Vyacheslav Davidenko, founder of MBA Consult

Also popular now: