Corporate napalm

Sergei and froze in an absurd pose, not daring to lower his legs. An expression of fright, mixed with a clear disbelief in the ridiculous situation in which he found himself, did not leave his face.

The commercial director, exhaling a couple of times after forced exercises, clearly calmed down a little and now did not know what to do. His gaze ran from Sergey to his smartphone, and sometimes he looked over his shoulder toward the entrance door to the toilet. Kolya simply looked at the commercial, completely not understanding what to do and just waiting for the team.

Sergei, realizing that they would not beat immediately, he began to think feverishly. What to do? Fight? In principle, it is possible, but what will be the consequences? They will not kill, but suddenly, out of spite, they will call the police? Notice for fourteen days, and then prove that you are not a camel. Ask for mercy? Mercy from what? From whipping? Small trouble. All the same, soon someone will come running to the noise, and the fight will end before it starts.

The decision came completely unexpectedly.

Sergey, as slowly as he could, without taking his eyes off his opponents, began to lift the smartphone and carried it to his ear.

- Did you hear everything? He said slowly, staring at the commercial. - Well. I'm off.

Then he defiantly pressed the screen and the lock button. The commercial squinted, trying to unravel the maneuver and understand the situation it was in.

- Well, gentlemen? - said Sergey, slowly getting up from the toilet. - What are the ideas?

- For starters - wash off the shit for yourself. - filtered the commercial. - And come out, let's talk.

- Drag him? - imitating the tone of the bandits from the dashing nineties, with a nod of his head pointing to Sergey, asked Kolya.

- It will always be in time. - echoed him commercial. - Let him say what he wanted.

- Oh, a familiar scene. - Sergey smiled, already leaving the torn cab. - Sasha Bely comes to the sand pit to offer to settle the case with Mucha in a patsansky way.
Commercial and Kolya followed Sergei when he went to wash his hands. There was no particular reason for this, by the standards of the village, but the legend had to be supported.

- Who did you call? - cautiously asked the commercial.

- To whom he called, he already knows everything. - Sergey answered nonchalantly, wiping his hands with a paper towel.

- What do you want? - continued commercial.

“I mean, what do I want now?” - Sergei made a special emphasis on the word "now."

“Yes, now.” - the commercial's face twisted a little. - Name the amount. I will translate and part. You will go further to milk your cows.

- About cows - it's low. - Sergey answered offendedly. - Put your money in your ass. I want to help.

- Helped already. - muttered the commercial through gritted teeth. - Well, it’s necessary to spoil everything in a couple of hours ...

Sergey did not react. His eyes clouded a bit, as if he had withdrawn into himself. He began to pace from side to side, sometimes he stopped, shook his head and continued to walk. The commercial looked with a tired look to Sergei, Kolya looked at one or the other with confusion.

Suddenly, a man in a black uniform ran into the toilet - apparently, a security guard.

- What happened here? He asked bravely and immediately rushed to the broken booth.

“This is ...” Sergey began to explain. - I felt bad in the toilet, my colleagues heard, came to the rescue, broke the door.

The guard stared at him in surprise, so he looked at the commercial one, who nodded silently.

- And you, excuse me, who? - the guard asked Sergey.

- A new programmer, has not yet managed to take shape. I’m only going for an interview, and now you see how everything turned out ... A heavy flight, pressure jumped, went into the booth and almost lost consciousness. Sorry.

“Not at all ...” the guard was embarrassed. - An ambulance? Or, perhaps, to our doctor to conduct? Luda is a real therapist, will help.

“Thank you, really, not worth it.” I'm already much better. And friends will take a look. If that is done.

“Well, as you wish.” - the guard shrugged and moved to the exit. - I’ll tell the supply manager ... That is, it’s like him ... To the deputy chief engineer for buildings and structures.

- Yes thank you! - shouted after Sergei and continued to think.

“Why are you staggering from side to side like a moron?” - evil said commercial. “Can't you decide how much money to ask?” Pollama and Wali fuck. You will buy all the sheep in the village, harness them to the cart and you will ride the girls. Then they together with you go to the bathhouse.

- Shh! - Sergey importantly put a finger to his lips.

He was tired of walking, and, looking around and not finding a place to sit down, he went to the wall and sat on the courts, resting his back on the column. From the side it was very reminiscent of the famous eagle pose.

- In short, so. - began Sergey. - Conditions of the problem. There is a commercial that pays kickbacks to no one Gene. And not just him. Obviously, with the permission of the general. Or even by his direct instruction. I would venture to suggest that not only Gene. So your products are shit. So?

- Let us suppose. - cautiously answered commercial.

“So it is.” Judging by your turnover, which I assume, we are talking about serious amounts. Since you send them from your card, then you participate in the withdrawal scheme. In all likelihood, an IP has been issued for you. So?

The commercial was silent.

- Well, yes, it’s not customary to talk about it. SP, not SP, not important. Maybe you are listed as a director at some Horns and Hooves LLC, which supplies virtual materials to your plant. It does not matter. The main thing is that everything is in the subject. And the money is spinning serious, and you have risks - do not worry about mom. But there is only one reason: your products are shit.

Sergei stared at the commercial, he reluctantly nodded.

- Further. Such sizes of cash kickbacks, plus the cost of their withdrawal and cashing out, hit hard on profits. But you do not know what to do and how you can live differently. The good news is that you work with retail. Judging by the mock-ups hung in the reception room - with very large retail. So he is not Russian. So?

- It is obvious. - answered the commercial.

- Well, yes ... Since the retail is not Russian, your corruption scheme sticks out somewhere below, at the loss of Genes and the like. With proper quality and delivery times, kickbacks would not be required. So?

- In fact yes. - reluctantly muttered the commercial. - I used to work in a different factory, of a similar profile, we cleanly worked with retailers.

- Excellent, that means the true cause of the problem is understandable - low quality and crap terms. So? Or more prices?

- Prices are normal. The commercial shook his head. - But in terms of the totality of parameters, we lose.

“Fine, that’s better.” - Sergey got up from the courts and again began to walk from side to side.

“What are you doing at all?” Asked the commercial. - I told you, tell me the amount, what are you picking? Are you stuffing yourself a price?

“Well, how stupid you are ...” Sergey answered with a smile. - I solve a problem with many limitations and goals. I don’t know what it is called by science. Well, you know, when you need to not only increase or decrease the value of a function, but also take into account the limitations of variables. One of the variables is you. The second one is standing next to you.

- What for?

- What the hell?

- What for you solve this problem?

- Because she is. - Sergey shrugged. - And I have the opportunity to solve it. Not theoretically, but in practice. After all, gentlemen, I apologize, in my hands? Well, in a way.

Commercial sighed heavily.

- So. - continued Sergey, without waiting for a commercial response. - We need to increase profits in the context of total corruption. At the same time - save commercial and Kolya.

- me? - simultaneously asked the commercial and Kolya.

- Who is the first to answer? - Sergey smiled.

- To me. - Both answered again.

- Okay, I'll start with you. - Sergey poked a finger at the commercial. “I think you're not a bad person.” You help mom, not directly, but through helping relatives. I know exactly how hard it is. It would be much easier for you to buy a new home for your mother than to drag this mediocrity behind you.

“What is it to you?” - viciously answered the commercial.

“Consider me pitiless.” I also have a mom and strange relatives. But I avoid helping them, for I am weak. And you are strong, and I will learn from you. Damn, I say, as the hero of films about Bruce Lee ...

- And me? - suddenly asked Kolya.

- And you, it seems to me, are not so simple, Kolya. Who did you study for?

- To the quality manager. Only I did not finish my studies, because ...

- Seriously? - Sergei's face brightened. - For a quality manager?

“Well, yes ...” Kolya answered cautiously. - And what?

“Did you study well?” In the main disciplines.

- Are you talking about statistics? Yes.

- The formula for the reproducibility index?

“Ah ...” Kolya thought for a few seconds. - So, the bigger the better ... So, the ratio of the spread of actual measurements to the tolerance field.

- The difference between reproducibility and suitability indices?

- So ... Suitability can be applied without confirmed process stability, and reproducibility - only ...

- How to confirm stability without data on the fulfillment of seven criteria?

- So ... Actually, this is not a proven theory ... It seems to be possible according to the normality of the distribution law.

- What criteria are suitable for verification?

“Well, there are a lot of them ... From what I remember - chi-square, Kolmogorov, Shapiro-Wilk.

- Kolya! - Sergey suddenly stepped to the bewildered guy and hugged him, under the surprised look of a commercial. “Now all hope is not you!”

Sergei clasped his hands around Kolya, and he, having stirred a little, also patted Sergey on the back.

- So. - continued Sergey, moving away from Kolya. - One issue has been resolved - Kolya should be transferred to the quality management service. Do you have one?

- Yes. - nodded commercial. “Just what is the point?”

- The point is that your quality management service, like all others similar in our country, is an old, smelly dog ​​shit. They do not provide any product quality, because they simply check for compliance with the criteria established by your own enterprise. Kolya, what is quality?

- Compliance with customer requirements.

- Kolya, I'm already nervous ...

- What? Muttered Kolya excitedly, then he thought for a moment and finally blurted out. - Oh yes! Degree of compliance with customer requirements!

- Who is the consumer of your products?

- Well, the retailer where Gene works.

- And for compliance with whose requirements does QMS products check?

- ours. The fact that technologists have installed.

- Is there any correlation between the requirements of technologists and the consumer?

- I don’t know, to be honest ...

- Well, you’ll find out. You will be the eyes and ears of a real consumer in the QMS. I agree?

- Of course! - Kolya did not cry for joy.

- Well, that's it. - Sergey, without waiting for a reaction, briskly strode to the exit from the toilet.

- Where to? - the commercial shouted after, and Kolya was already stomping after Sergey.

- In the canteen, where else. There the chief engineer is waiting for us. He is responsible for the production? So let's talk with him for the quality and timing.

The commercial reluctantly followed, muttering curses under his breath. Sergey left the toilet and was a little confused - he forgot which way to go. Kolya, who suddenly became extremely quick-witted, nudged Sergei a little in the shoulder and indicated the direction with a nod of his head. Sergei obediently moved in the indicated direction, Kolya walked alongside, and the commercial trailed a little behind.

- Sergey, can you elaborate on the problem that you solved? - asked Kolya.

- Come on “you”, ok?

- Oh sure.

- In childhood, did you like logical riddles?

- Well, not to say that I loved straight, but decided.

“Do you remember, for example, the one about the wolf, goat and cabbage?”

- No ... - Kolya thoughtfully scratched his head.

“She's simple.” There is a peasant, he has a boat, a wolf, a goat and cabbage. We must transport everyone across the river. A peasant and either a wolf, or a goat, or cabbage simultaneously enter the boat. A wolf and a goat cannot be left alone, for obvious reasons. Cabbage with a goat - too. There you have a riddle.

- Decide right now?

- No, at home, think at your leisure. Instead of drinking. - Sergey smiled nonchalantly, and a blush appeared on Kolya's cheeks. - I just gave you an example. This, roughly speaking, is a real task. In life, in business, there are just such. They can’t be solved in the forehead, because there are a lot of restrictions. Well and further people are divided into two types - those who understand the limitations and solve the problem with them in mind, and those who whine and say that the conditions are stupid, and the problem does not need to be solved.

- Like the problem that we have here?

- Well yes. It’s easiest to say - so, I’ll kick Kohl out, I’m also kicking a commercial one for, stop paying kickbacks, we will be clean and beautiful. What will happen?

- Well, probably ...

- Ass will be. Stretch a couple of months, and that’s it. You will sell equipment, first reduce costs, then staff, and, in the end, close.

“So, do we now have to pay these kickbacks all our lives?”

- Of course not. Just do not wave your saber. Well, leave everything as it is, is not worth it. The risks are too great, from all sides. We must get out of this situation, but slowly, wisely, gradually, piece by piece, removing what we do not like.

- In general, it seems to me that this is an obvious approach.

- The obvious is obvious, but not everyone uses it. Try, for a change, to ask all managers what needs to be done for the prosperity of their native enterprise. What do you hear?

- Well, I don’t know, I didn’t ask. Well, I was a simple sales manager.

“And I'll tell you.” It will be nonsense. Ideas like improving the quality of production, buying new machines, entering new markets, reducing or hiring personnel, releasing new types of products, introducing some kind of technique and the like.

- So normal, like an idea ...

- Of course normal. - Sergey grinned. - And the sense of the fact that they are normal? It’s the same as offering any person a healthy lifestyle. Of course, this will help, he will become healthy, cheerful, cheerful and will be able to realize all his life goals, if ...

- If what?

- If you can lead a healthy lifestyle. But he cannot. And the adviser will say - well, I'm sorry, you're not ready, but I'm good for you, because I proposed an excellent solution. Although the solution is worthless - it does not take into account restrictions. For example, weak willpower, lack of real motivation and poor environment.

“Well, what's wrong?” Advice about a healthy lifestyle is really good.

- Good advice that helped. Advice in itself, as a solution, costs nothing if it cannot be applied. And to apply do not give limitations of the real situation, which the adviser ignores.

- Got it. Are there such examples in the work?

- As many as you like. For example, over the past ten to fifteen years, everyone has been crazy about introducing ERP systems. What for?

“I don’t know ... To put things in order, production management, planning, and so on.”

- That's exactly what "and so on." Even if the enterprise just needs planning. Not even a workshop, but an ordinary, simple, volumetric-calendar one. But instead of understanding this limitation and proposing a normal solution - to finalize the planning system - a heavy software product is being introduced for tens of millions of rubles, which simply replaces the already working functionality, and if you are lucky, it adds one cherry to the cake - then planning itself. Which could be done in a week by some craftsman. It's like ... I don’t know ... Burn a hundred hectares of forest with napalm to deal with one partisan.

- And how to find him, partisan? In some cases, probably, the use of napalm is justified.

- In some, yes, but not in my example. There is not even a forest there, partisans are standing in the field and waving a flag. Everyone sees and hears him, because he screams with good obscenity at every operational meeting. Sellers ask when the order will be ready. Producers shout at suppliers when there will be materials? Procurement providers point a finger at financiers when there is money to pay off a lender. They nod to sellers who did not bring money. Sellers close the circle, again shouting at the manufacturers. And then some wise guy gets up and says - we need a modern ERP system. Heran napalm, we will solve all problems in one fell swoop. Although one accurate sniper shot is enough.

- Okay, I get it. - it was clear that Kolya was tired of listening.

- Well, and you gave up. - Sergey smiled. - So every director who is tired of hearing about problems and, for obvious reasons, who is not able to independently penetrate operational activities to a sufficient depth, agrees to napalm. To everyone's joy, because the real problem of the next few years can not be solved - it will be enough to nod your head at the introduction of ERP and greedy integrators who issue bills like an automatic machine.

- Yes, I did not give up! - said Kolya loudly. - You see ... It seems to me that not everything is so simple.

- Everything is simpler than it seems. - Sergey smiled.

- So, here is the dining room. - said Kolya joyfully. “And this ... did you call someone?”

- No one. Just do not tell your relative violent.