Very strange training

    Lena was in a hurry. She ran through the corridors, barely holding a bag, bags with handouts and props. An unfamiliar hotel, an unfamiliar city and a stupid taxi driver with a poor navigator, because of which she was late.

    Training should start on time, a few minutes left. Not to say that Lena was very worried - she just did not like being late. Still, behind the colossal experience and reputation of one of the best business coaches in the country. Wait, of course, where to go. But reputation can be stained - they will begin to write in social networks that the training is excellent, only now the coach is late.

    Finally, the doors with the usual hotel rooms ran out - Lena reached the wing with the conference rooms. I pulled one door - closed, the second - too. Hell, it will be necessary to insert the local organizers - did not meet, did not call, did not carry out. Okay, no time.

    The third door was open. Lena looked uncertainly inside — like a student who was late for a lecture — and realized that she had found it. About ten people sat in the big hall, alone men, in suits. At the big white board there was a man in a scarf.

    - Yes, had time! - Lena cried out and ran into the hall.

    People stared at her in bewilderment, then together, as if on cue, they turned their eyes to the peasant in a scarf. He alone was not in a suit - jeans, a dark blue turtleneck, a little sloppy hairstyle. Well, a scarf wrapped around the neck in the European manner. Artist, or what?

    Looks like the public is boring. In general, Lena loved to conduct trainings for businessmen. Better, of course, it is the owners, but the directors are also nothing. They are almost always fun, interesting and do not have to spend a lot of time on the buildup - these people know why they came, and do not waste time. In addition, they pay for the training from their own pockets.

    True, confused abundance of business suits. Usually, if a businessman came to the training in everyday clothes, then we can say with confidence that he is ready to work. A person who came in a suit just for training, and not for a seminar, where he should sit and listen, causes distrust - why the hell was he dressed up? Who is there to surprise with your costume? Around the same businessmen as you.

    - Thanks for the board! - Lena addressed to the peasant in a scarf, who still held a rag in his hands - apparently, he wiped it. - Give, please, take your place.

    The man in the scarf smiled mysteriously and slowly proceeded to one of the chairs.

    - So! - Lena began, folding all her bags and bags into a corner. - Getting started!

    Everyone, except for the peasant in a scarf, as if on cue, took out notebooks and pens - apparently, they were ready to write something down. Bad sign.

    - Yes, you throw your notebooks! - smiled Lena. - We do not have a lecture, the exam will not be!

    Uncertainly, first one, then the second was removed notebooks. The rest, too, followed suit.

    - Our theme is business development. Ideas, approaches, implementation. - solemnly said Lena. - Let's work, play, have fun!

    Her speech was not enthusiastic. A couple of people still broke, took notebooks and wrote something down. Theme, or what?

    - So, I see, the team we have today is thoughtful and conservative. - smiled Lena. - Let's go straight to the point then. Brainstorm!

    This exercise has always swayed businessmen. It is understandable - where else to talk about ideas, if not at the training? When communicating in person, many said that in their companies they don’t have much to say about ideas to anyone - the public is not the same. Employees do not need ideas, as well as, in fact, business development. Therefore, meetings with like-minded people, in a cozy atmosphere, for businessmen are like a vent.

    Lena went to the corner, took a flipchart and pulled him into the middle of an improvised scene.

    - So let's discuss the format. - Lena began to pace back and forth along the flipchart. - Companies are different, the development is not the same, so let's derive some average. Come on, everyone will call the industry of his company.

    - Production. - said one. Several people nodded - apparently they have the same thing.

    - Wholesale. - answered another.

    - Services, B2B. - raised his hand to the third.

    There were no more options. The man in the scarf just smiled, did not raise his hand. Lena thought for a few seconds whether to make a public spanking, but decided that it was too early. We assume that he, too, production.

    - Well! - said Lena. - Production, trade, services. All at once. Let's assume that we have a production and trading company that does ... Well, I don’t know ... Equipment! Some large iron equipment sells it and provides installation, configuration and repair services. Do you agree?

    The heads above the costumes nodded obediently.

    - Wonderful! - Lena went to the flipchart, and wrote on the blank sheet the title “Ideas”. - We need ideas for the development of this business! We do not have a meeting with subordinates here, there are no restrictions, let's make any suggestions! Imagine that you are the owner of this business, and nobody besides you cares about the future of the company. In general, your usual situation!

    There was silence. This is normal, even for businessmen, Lena knew. Someone should start. There are different ways to "knock off", and after thinking for a few seconds, Lena chose the simplest.

    - So, man. - She showed the first businessman. - You are given the right to start. Come on, bolder, any idea!

    The man, for some reason, got up from the chair. Hmm, still a strange public. The mad work of thought was displayed on the face, but there was no result.

    - Well? - tried to help Lena.

    - I do not know ... Maybe SRM implement?

    - Well! - Lena exclaimed happily and scribbled the first idea on the flipchart.

    The man sighed with relief and sat down. A blissful smile spread across his face.

    - So who is next?

    - Maybe a couple of servers to buy? - someone said quietly from the spot.

    - What to buy? - Lena asked puzzled.

    - Well server. - the man also got up from the chair. - For information systems, improving performance and so on.

    - Hm, okay ... Server, so server ... - Lena shrugged and wrote down the item. - More ideas?

    - I propose to increase the competence of management. Said the third.

    - Great idea, just need to specify. - answered Lena. - What kind of management, and how exactly to improve?

    - Well, I don’t know ... Maybe I should train everyone in the IBA?

    - Straight all? And craftsmen shop?

    - Of course not. - the speaker was embarrassed. - Top management, tops.

    - Okay. - Lena's enthusiasm faded away by the minute.

    She went to the flipchart, wrote down the point about the IBA and thought. No, somehow things are not going well ...

    - Friends. - turned Lena to the public. - I suggest to stop and discuss ideas. Do not you mind?

    Of course, no one objected.

    - It seems that you did not understand the purpose of the exercise, although this, of course, is strange. Let me remind you - we need ideas for business development. The first point, back and forth, if you pull an owl on a globe, you can pass for trying to develop a business. But servers?

    The men obviously felt awkward. Began to fidget on the chairs, someone again took up the notebooks.

    - So, whose idea was about CPM? Yours, right? - Lena pointed to the first. He got up again. - Why do you think that CPM will help the business to develop?

    - Well, the introduction of CPM increases sales by 10%. - uncertainly answered the man.

    - Is it written on the booklets of some bitrix? Or amo, how is it there ...

    - Well, this is a world practice ...

    - Stop, why do we need these stereotypes. - Lena raised her palms. - Here, friends, who already have CPM, raise your hands.

    Hands raised almost everything, even the man in the scarf.

    - Now raise your hands to those who have CPM raised sales by 10%.

    Then something happened that the school called "forest of hands."

    - What was required to prove, is not it? - smiled Lena.

    - So maybe it ... - continued to wash standing man. - We have implemented it wrong?

    “Maybe, of course ... No, it cannot.” I am not the first year married, and I know what I'm talking about. You know, I have nine own businesses that successfully exist. The experience of communicating with hundreds and thousands of businessmen at trainings, seminars and exhibitions speaks unequivocally - garbage is this CPM, sorry for my French.

    The man began to blush - whether from shame, or from growing anger. Rather, the first. The rest somehow embarrassedly frowned. Lena realized that she bent the stick, and tried to smooth the situation.

    - Of course, it is impossible to scratch everyone with the same brush. Someone CPM really helps, but not in our situations - let me remind you: production, wholesale, B2B services. Buddy, have a seat!

    The man hastily sat down in his place. Softening worked - some even smiled.

    - We are in fact with you not at the CPM exhibition, so that the syrup can be poured from empty to empty. Both you and I know where the problems with sales come from. Either a product, I'm sorry, shit, for quality or price, or no one needs it, or a delivery curve, or we do not know how to service, or do not get spare parts, or sellers - lazy felt boots. And CPM will not help here.

    The casual and rare use of the words “shit” or “ass” in cultural speech usually acted magically - people began to smile and relax. Thanks to comedy club - for waking up in kindergarten in adults for many years with his jokes about pussy-ass.

    - As for me, the CPM is a fiction, HYIP duralka. Think about it yourself - customer relationship management. Well, isn't it heresy, in a normal business? In retail there, or else where, from the B2C category, it is necessary, of course, to work with the client in various clever methods, but this will be more likely marketing, or even social engineering, but not CPM.

    The men nodded obediently.

    - CPM is like social aspirin for a bad family, or something. Here is a husband and wife, and they have a relationship. If no one fulfills his duties - the husband does not earn money, the wife does not follow the house, neither love you nor caress, children are abandoned and let loose, then what do you need to do? Well, still understand. Get your head out of your ass, and get to work, right? Instead, people begin to read smart books about how to improve family relations. Do not talk about the problems, look at the world positively, make 10 compliments a day. Fuck me your compliments, you better money go earn! And you - cook soup, how much can you eat this gruel! Understand the analogy?

    The men obediently nodded.

    - This is about CPM. This is a technique for managing what is not. What is in the family, what is in the business - it is necessary to create and maintain relationships, and not manage them. To create high-quality products at an adequate cost, and not to conduct a survey - how do you like our services? No way! Well, in the family ... You know what to do.

    Lena decided to stop - after all, it is necessary to conduct training, and not public speaking. It seems that, judging by the reaction of the public, the lunge worked out - they relaxed a little, they came to their senses, maybe they wouldn’t carry a blunder anymore?

    - Ok, go ahead. I’ll skip the servers, that's out of the way ... - Lena smiled. - Or does someone seriously think that by purchasing a server you can develop a business?

    People smiled shyly, but there were no willing to argue.

    “Of course, there are frostbitten CIOs in the world who issue a server purchase for their contribution to business development, and they also require a premium for this, but these are rather jokes.
    Embarrassed smiles began to play on their faces.

    - Well, I'm glad that we are almost on the same wavelength. So, let's talk about the IBA?

    The answer was silence. Well, silence is a sign of agreement.

    - In general, I hope this was a comic idea. She's even worse than CPM.

    - Why? - dared someone from the audience.

    - Are you seriously? - Lena raised her eyebrows. - Damn ... Okay, let's follow the same algorithm. Who has managers trained in MBA?

    Hands raised everything.

    - Well! And now attention, a question: how the company has changed with their arrival?
    Silence again. It is necessary to specify the question. Lord, what a day today ...

    - Ok, I ask differently. Profit increased? New markets have mastered? New products released? Has the number of customers increased? Is there more money?

    The men began to look confused again. What's wrong? Hurt for a living?

    - I suspect that the money has become less. Especially if the managers are smart-ass, and have learned from IBA at the expense of the company in order to enrich their resume. Well, then they asked themselves to raise their salaries - they have the same degree now. Here also go, with degrees. Another question: how has the corporate culture changed with the advent of MBAS?

    Silence again. What is it, even no one to debate with anyone. Only a man in a scarf sits and smiles.

    - I think I will not be mistaken if I say that more smarty words began to sound. Maybe even the introduction of some beautiful techniques began. No sense brought these projects, and brains were carried out to all. Well, well-known jokes about effective managers have come into use.

    Saying the word "effective", Lena showed quotes with her fingers. Felt that again goes too far. Well your mother, what a gentle public today. Hardly what is wrong - fall silent, blush, embarrass, like gymnasium students.

    - I myself studied at the MBA. Long time, really. Do you know what conclusion you gradually reached? IBA is an agonizing monster. Earlier, in the middle of the twentieth century, it was a real topic - only at the IBA it was possible to obtain high-quality knowledge of management. Nowhere is this really taught. You either yourself, in your experience you get everything, or you study at the MBA. Well, or stand at the machine, without options. And now what?

    A light emotional striptease and transfer of attention from the public to themselves had an effect - the guys relaxed a little again and listened with interest, rather than looking away, like schoolchildren who are afraid that they will be asked now. Maybe, well, this training? Arrange them a seminar with revelations.

    - And now the IBA has ceased to be the main source of knowledge about management. If in the twentieth century only Machiavelli was from management literature, now it is a dime a dozen. Who just does not write business literature, even programmers. The main problem is to choose, not to find. But the IBA will never die, although they have long lost their appeal and value. Like magicians, they will let in smoke, they will create a secret, people will move - and zilch! The company will pay half a million, and the person will find out that for ten thousand rubles you can read in fifteen books. Well, or on a couple of trainings. They do not even know how to attract the public. They invite some mediocrity, call them experienced management gurus, and push on the uniqueness - only here, only here! Ugh, damn it.

    Yeah, smiled. It seems that the children's imprint works - they like to listen to someone being angrily scolded. This, of course, great, but how to continue training? Maybe he?

    - In general, you understand. - Lena continued. - If one of your managers asks for an IBA, then the only goal is to get a piece of paper and an increase. Who wants to lead normally, certificates are not needed. Take and do. What he does not know - he will learn, information is a dime a dozen. Well, practice, practice and practice again. Do you agree?

    People nod their heads uncertainly. Lord, how did you get me ... Lena thought about it, and was silent for a few minutes.

    “But in general, you know what ...” she finally said. - I have been training for several years. Usually, everything goes according to plan - useful, interesting, with the right energy. But there are misfires. Well, that is not, and everything, even though you burst. Either the audience did not suit me, or I - the public. There is nothing terrible in this, you will not be forced by force. I do not have a goal to sell myself to you, and sometimes I stop training, return the money and offer to remain friends. It seems that today is exactly the case.

    There was concern on their faces. Fidgeted, they began to look at each other, then they all stared at the man in the scarf. Damn, and did not have time to shake it. Who is he? Informal leader, or what? Local business star? Then I find out.

    - You will be contacted by my managers to discuss the details of returning the cost of the training. And I, with your permission, will take my leave.

    Lena slowly approached the corner where her belongings lay. The hall was silent - it was the last drop. Some herd, it is necessary, well ... Maybe the region is some kind of depressive? I will not go here anymore.

    Lena left the hall, closed the door behind her, walked a couple of steps and leaned against the wall. The last training that was canceled in this way happened two years ago, and the feeling of failure was somehow forgotten. It will be necessary to think about everything, slowly, look for their mistakes, and take them into account in the future. Lena was not afraid of reputational losses - honesty is above all.

    Suddenly the door of the hall opened, and a man in a scarf came out. He looked around, noticed Lena, smiled and walked towards her.

    - Elena, first of all, very glad to meet you! - he smiled. - I learned a lot from you, I was at your seminars, but I didn’t have to attend trainings.

    Lena pulled a smile on duty, nodded. Now he will start singing that the training was very useful, it just happens, blah blah blah. But the man in the scarf was surprised.

    - Was that a flash mob? Or a rally? - he asked.

    - What? - Lena was surprised. - You think that I am depicting an offended wife here, now you must persuade me to come back?

    - No no no. - hastily shook his head a man in a scarf. - I'm talking about your participation in my training.

    Lena raised her eyebrows and stared at the man. Fool, or what? Or play? Local humor?

    - Sorry, I do not understand. - Lena said slowly.

    “Well, this is my training, for IT directors, called“ IT director: techie or manager? ”. My name is Sergey, if that.

    - Your training?

    - Well yes. Or what ...

    - How ... Wait. Is this the Nirvana Hotel?

    - Yes.

    - Well, I have training here for business development, for owners. At nine in the morning.

    - So there are a lot of conference rooms, maybe the error came out ... Did you communicate with Sveta, the organizer,?

    “I didn't see her today.”

    - So you should be searched already ...

    - My phone is disconnected. - Lena began to rummage in the bag. She took out a smartphone, turned off airplane mode. Twelve messages, twenty five missed. Well your mother ...

    - Hmm. - Lena smiled. - Jamb. Training for CIOs, speak?

    - Well yes.

    - So all these guys are CIOs?

    - One and all.

    - And I'm with them about business development. - smiled Lena. - Your mother ... Eprst ... Now I understand where the CPM, servers and ILL are from. Straight anecdote, I hope no one was offended.

    - No, of course. - smiled in response to a man in a scarf. “CIOs are guys with a good sense of humor.” Well, training, more precisely - his piece - was useful to them.

    - Oh well. I don't need to hang these sweet noodles, Sergey. Jamb clear, and personally mine. Although this Light should also be inserted ...

    - No, what a noodle, Elena. The truth was interesting and informative.

    - What is informative? CIOs have learned what is in the world business development? In Soviet times, there was also such a practice - a professor came to the village and told the peasants about new research in the field of astronautics. It's the same here. It is interesting, of course, to listen to something completely abstract, not related to your work, but this is not my genre, sorry.

    - In vain you are so ... - replied offendedly the man in the scarf.

    - Nothing for nothing. - Lena shrugged. - To each his own, as they say. Business development - the owner, and the CIO - the new servers and the degree of IBA.

    - Yes, they ... That is, we ... Not such, in short.

    - Yeah I do not mind. - smiled Lena. - Ok, Sergey, good luck. And my sincere apologies for the spoiled training.

    - Nothing, catch up, make up ...

    - If compensation is needed ...

    - No, thank you!

    - See for yourself, I have no problems ...

    - Maybe back?

    - Where?

    - In the hall, to us. We will conduct training together. I am about my own, about the life of a CIO, and you about my own, about business development. Now that everything is in its place, can it go better?

    - Why not. - Lena shrugged. - Now only, I will call Sveta, I will find out what is there.

    - Well, we are here, if that.

    - OK, deal!

    Also popular now: