21 ways to minimize employee retention

    I offer readers of Megamind the translation of the note “21 Ways to Minimize Employee Retention” from the Jon Haddad blog. This is my first translation, I liked the note and wanted to share it.

    To minimize employee retention, it is important to maximize employee turnover and confusion. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but following it you will no doubt achieve success in achieving this goal, unlike your business.

    1. Eliminate any privacy. Employees should feel that they are being watched all the time. Ideally, use an open layout that will help maximize distractions. If an open plan is not available, fill people with small rooms as much as possible. At all times, employees should be able to smell every person’s breath in the room.

    2. Pour your own changes without checking the code, immediately into the wizard. You do not need verification, you are the boss. Choose the most spineless person in the team and make him pour thousands of lines of code not scanned into the project, with which the rest of the team disagrees.

    3. Interrupt people regularly to find out status. Request an ETA, then interrupt them again until this time has come. Keep interrupting them, even after they have completed the task.

    4. Create a vicious circle. To get started, ask for code to be written in 3 weeks, which actually takes 3 months. Complain about bugs, missing features, performance problems. Demand from people to “just blind together.” Continue this cycle until your code becomes unsupported. Plan to rewrite the code with the goal of “We will do everything right this time.” Restart the vicious circle, demanding that this be done in a short time.

    5. Hire people for positions such as “senior architect,” then make a bunch of architectural decisions right before they arrive. Make sure they do not agree with your choice of technology, but hammer them in their throat anyway. Bonus points in the event that you have never used these technologies, additional bonus points if you do not even have a clue how it works. It is important to stick to this choice, even if not a single line of code has yet been written, in spite of any experience that anyone has had with regard to this technology.

    6. Regularly change the bug tracker and communication tools. It is important to retrain every few months on how to communicate between team members and make task lists.

    7. When hiring, find people who need at least an hour, preferably two, to get to work. Let them know that working remotely is part of the corporate culture. But once they are hired, prohibit working from home.

    8. One fine day, without warning, send out a letter, demanding that, henceforth, everyone came to work one and a half hours earlier, starting from the next day. This works best if your office is in the middle of a high traffic area. Do not change the time you go home.

    9. Make sure everything is constantly on. Ask someone to fix the bug, then interrupt it as soon as possible to fix the new bug. Do this on a regular basis. At the end of the day, get angry when most of the bugs are not fixed.

    10. Deny your team a decent iron. It is important that they are unhappy with their 5400 rpm hard drives. Present it as a holiday when new hard drives finally arrive. Let employees know how lucky they are. Tell them to replace the discs in their personal time, at home.

    11. Log in to the production infrastructure and make changes that bypass the system that you use to manage production. Do not tell anyone what you have done.

    12. Dominate people looking directly into their eyes, never blinking. People should be uncomfortable thinking about how apparently your eyeballs are dry.

    13. Stand behind your back and constantly ask questions when they are trying to fix production problems.

    14. Humiliate people in public. Poke them in their mistakes, and never praise for anything.

    15. Set arbitrary, impossible dates. Threaten people if they are not executed. When they are not completed, repeat. If the team stayed late at work, under no circumstances stay with them to help or buy dinner. Go for a drink and post how fun you are on all the social networks you can find. Bonus points if you are there with any of the leaders.

    16. Regularly announce the disgust you feel about the team, especially if the rest of the management thinks that everything is going fine.

    17. Feed people information on a teaspoon. No one should be able to understand your grand plan for the project. If they managed to collect all the pieces of the puzzle, freely use public censure.

    18. Prevent people from writing on their personal blogs for any reason. Everything that the employee does or knows is the property of the company, even if it has nothing to do with what the company does.

    19. Give grades without consulting the people who actually do the work. If they do not agree with the deadlines, shrug and explain that this cannot be changed, and everyone expects that the work will be completed on time. Repeat this every time.

    20. Interrupt the above cycle when everyone is about to quit. Get grades accurate to the hour for each individual task. Do not allow any violation of the deadlines. Add tasks, but do not adjust the schedule.

    21. Delay the performance bonus for a month. If employees quit, punish them either by cutting the bonus or by depriving it. In general, use every opportunity to punish employees as if they were children.

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